The Journey Inward
by dianasdaughter
Summary: ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE: Bella agrees to attend therapy sessions after an ultimatum with her parents. How will Bella complete the sessions without revealing her secrets? Bella embarks on a journey to better understand herself and Edward but not before tragedy strikes. New Moon AU
1. Decision

_A/N_

_So, this is my first attempt at a story. This is an AU that has been rolling around in my head, and is slowly starting to creep onto paper - or screen, rather. I'd like to offer a few notes at the beginning_

_1. While this AU is based in New Moon, the timeline is slightly different for a number of reasons. Partly because of when I see part of the plot taking place, but more importantly, as a mother, I can\t imagine leaving my daughter in a catatonic state for that long without doing something. So future chapters, you will notice that the timeline has been bumped up by a few months_

_2. This chapter is in multiple perspectives, but it is not my intention to jump around so much. I now know what other authors mean when they write that a certain character had something to say. So while this chapter has three perspectives, I foresee that proceeding chapters will be done in single voice._

_Please read and review. If You notice any inaccuracies, I would be happy to hear about them_

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><p>September, 2005<p>

~ _Edward ~_

The ability to remember everything perfectly clear for eternity, can sometimes feel more like a curse than anything else. I can remember what my home in every state I have ever lived with astounding clarity, as though I were there minutes ago. I remember what Alice said to me on the porch steps of our house in Chicago on July 5th 1963 at 11:15pm. Not that it was a particularly important day, or an overly interesting topic. It is in my brain now, and with little effort I can conjure up the conversation.

So the pain on her face, that I witnessed minutes ago, is a face I will remember until the end of all ages. The look on Bella's face - crinkled, shaken, broken - matches the fissure that cracked through the centre of my being. And because of what I am, both of these things will remain with my forever. I had to hurt my love. I had to make her believe a lie so that she may live, and move on and be everything that she can be. I had to put her through pain to prevent further potential agony.

If only she could see me for the monster I am, this would be so much easier. Why does she have to be so difficult? Why does she have to be so beautifully, courageously difficult that she would give her first feelings of love to me, someone who isn't, or ever will be deserving of her? I feel torn in two. Half of me, the brave, selfless side knows that she will move on eventually, and be a happier, safer person without me. The other half is snarling, growling, sobbing, and dying because the first half had to make the choice- a safer, better choice for My Love in the end.

_My love_. She is my love. My Bella. If I had a soul, it would have been left behind with her. Now that I have made the choice, I can't go back. I can't return and reclaim that which isn't mine, which was never meant to be mine. How do I frame her in my mind without going insane? Can vampires go insane? I feel at any moment that I am about to find out. I am on the precipice of a mental unraveling. What name do I give to the person who holds me to the earth? Can I call her my love for all eternity? Is she mine? I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve the happiness she will one day impart on another.

At this moment my body begins to heave out deep sobs that erupt from the centre of my belly, and escape my mouth as my knees buckle and I fall to the ground. Where the hell am I, anyway? I looked around at the crowd of trees surrounding me, trying to get my bearings. I just realized I had been running, with no destination. _There is nowhere to run to. _I am far away enough so that I couldn't hear her calling my name. The sky is starting to turn from a dense gray to a creeping pitch black of a moonless night. The damp moss under my knees begins to seep through my clothing, calling me into the groundcover, to sink into the earth and never again emerge. _That could work, _I thought for a moment. Except it wouldn't take away my pain. I have no reprieve, no form of oblivion to turn to. I have only the crack in my chest carving pain into me, and a vision so vivid of my Bella with trembling lips and chin, Bella staring bravely back at me, until I said the words "You're not good for me". And then her eyes changed. Then the spark behind her eyes retreated, leaving only deep empty pools for me to remember for the rest of my days. Perhaps that's what I deserved for making the mistake of pretending that we could be together.

I refocus again, determining my location. I look to my left about 100 yards, and the realization of my whereabouts would have knocked me over had I not already been kneeling on the ground, shoulders sunk and head bent, with my finger nails digging deeply into the soft ground.

The meadow - _our meadow - _is within eyesight, even in the rapidly fading light. A flood of memories return and crash over me like a mighty ocean swell. The peel of her laughter. The thick carpet of her hair spread behind her head as she rested on my arm. I can recall the warmth of her cheek on my chest, and the soft purr of her lazy answers to my pondering as we lay together in the sun. The way the breeze scattered strands of her hair over the book I held, as I recited poetry to her, and gently wafted her scent toward me. Her scent, the sensation that I lusted after in every way that I can imagine, and in ways I could not imagine before I knew of her.

I can't go there. How much torture do I deserve? Maybe I should go there. Maybe this is payback. An eternity of memories damning me to hell on earth for what I have done. Perhaps fate decided that not only do I not fit in heaven, but that I should never really know happiness on earth either. That if I did not die and go to hell, then hell should come to me. That seems fitting.

As kneel and ponder the best place for me to live in the hell I was destined to live out, I remember my family, waiting for me in Alaska. They had gone up to visit the Denali's for a few weeks until our new home was secured, the furniture arrived and we were ready to move in. As much as I want to live out the sentence I deserve for ever putting my love in danger, I needed to return to them. I remember the look on Esme's face as she left two days ago: A mother pining for her son, who was to leave without knowing when he would return. Although few of my human memories remained, her face reminded me of my human mother Elizabeth, when I spoke of going to war. At the time I was young, and self-absorbed. I spoke about going to war as enthusiastically as some spoke about going to college, or getting their first job at the bank, or going on a trip to the sea. Was I destined to bring pain to all the women in my life? No wonder it took me almost a century to find someone to love. I just wish I could love Bella fully without risking her life. All the pain I could experience in my one thousand lifetimes would not make up for her life, were it lost. I will sit with this pain, and hope that soon that her pain will move past her and she will find the future I can never give her.

But right now, I have to concentrate on returning to my family, to Esme and Carlisle, my siblings, because the only one who has earned any measure of pain over this is me.

~_Esme~_

I didn't realize my hands were trembling, until Carlisle's firm comforting grip slid over my lap to still my fingers. I allow the compassion and strength of my husband, the foundation of our family, to seep through my hands and silence the soft heaving in my chest that hitch my breath and tighten my throat. We have been driving for about three hours. I thought I was starting calm down.

Suddenly Carlisle stops the car on a generous shoulder on the road and pulls me into his lap. I lay on his chest, listening to his voice rumble gentle murmurs into my ear. The heaves in my breathing let loose to shaking, uncontrollable sobs that wrack my body and send my head spinning. Thank god I am sitting clutched to my rock of a husband, or I don't know where I would have tumbled - on this earth, in my mind, where my soul would have settled after it falls away from me.

After a few moments, my breath deepens and my shaking body subsides back to a rhythmic heaving. I feel at this moment like I _need_ to breathe. My breath settles me further into his arms, brings me his familiar scent, and gives me a measure of peace that my heart wouldn't allow.

"I can't lose both of them" I whisper. "Edward made a choice, against our advice and now I don't…I don't know what will become of him. I have lost Bella, I cannot lose him too".

Carlisle trembles as he sighs, and his silence caught me. At this moment he has no words of wisdom, no logical outlook, there is no place for a scientific approach. He inhales a raspy breath and shakes quietly, grieving with me. It is my turn to be his rock. I look up and place my hands on his cheeks. His face is contorted his eyes are closed. As he opens them, his soft eyes are clouded with pain, and….shame?

"Talk to me?" I ask him gently.

"I don't know what to say or do to make this better." He said softly. "I wish this were a wound I could tend but I don't know how. I don't know how to make Edward see…"

~_Alice~_

Don't look don't look don't look don't look don't look can't look at her future. Too painful too painful too painful I'm here for him, I'm here for him I'm here for him.

And so on and so on, I repeat my mantra to maintain a thread of balance in this chaotic moment.

I stare aimlessly out the car window. Rosalie and Emmett are in the front of the Jeep, as I am cradled in Jasper's embrace trying to do the impossible in six different ways. I try to love away the pain he feels from within himself and from everyone else. I try to coo words of reassurance into his ear. Reassurance that everything will fall into place as it should, reassurance that our family will stay intact, consoling him into believing that everything will work out in the end. Are these words for him, or for me? I am trying to assuage his guilt, but I don't know how successful I will be. I don't feel he was to blame for anything. Blood was spilled, he was stopped. It could have been worse, but it wasn't. Bella is still alive, although her current emotional state I don't – or rather _shouldn't_ know. Strict orders from my brother.

_My brother. _OK, so I get his pain. He feels he needs to leave his mate to keep her safe. I don't get how he can do this. I don't get how he can rationalize that this is _better. _For whom? For whom is this better? For Bella? I that doesn't resonate with me in the slightest. The incident with James, was, well terrible. No one would wish that upon her. The paper cut – incidental. I thought as a family – all **eight **of us, we could learn from these experiences. We've done that before as a family, we've learned. Was Bella not part of this now? Did she not deserve to learn and grow with us? Did we not deserve to grow with her? How does excluding her from us help her to grow and learn beyond what has happened? I only see isolation, abandonment. You know, for all the times that my family – even Edward – Has relied on me to know how decisions will effect us in the future, why did he, _they_, choose to ignore me now?

Stupid pig-headed cynical self-loathing autocratic brother of mine. He didn't just do this to himself. He has done this to all of us, in a uniquely destructive way. I didn't have to look at Bella's future (even though I did) to know she will be broken in a way that no one around her would even begin to know how to fix. If it weren't for the guilt rolling off Jasper I would run back myself and hold her in my arms and cradle her and tell her we love her. I know she doesn't hold Jasper to blame. She is incapable of condemning someone for their nature. Maybe that's how she could love my stupid favourite brother so much. She saw past his flaws…did she? Or did she simply refuse to acknowledge them? Their love is strong, but young. Regardless, I know this drastic measure of his will have consequences that Edward either can't, or refuses to comprehend.

Esme and Carlisle just up and moved away from their daughter. What the hell? All because Edward panicked and decided to play dictator with our lives? I know that Emmett's torn. His usual jovial manner has been dampened; I've seen his breath hitch, he doesn't even attempt to lighten the mood by cracking a joke. I'm also fairly certain that Rose is confused as well. She doesn't want Bella to become a vampire, she is insanely jealous of what Bella seems to be mindlessly throwing away. But she also knows love, and that by leaving, Edward has forced a future on Bella that she didn't choose.

While I sit here, cradling and cooing, I am also trying desperately not to look into Bella's future. As I am so attached to her, it's hard work to not let my mind go on auto pilot and scan the future to ensure the well-being of my loved ones, and of course this includes her. I don't know where to go from here. The only thing that keeps my need to look for her at bay is my own fear. I will truly admit, I am afraid of what I will find if I look now.

I am deathly afraid to look into the next few days, months, years. I can't bear it. If I look, and it's too painful, then I would be forced to make a choice that is bound to rip me in two.

Because Jasper believes Edward, and Jasper is convinced that he is truly a risk to Bella. He also loves her like a sister, albeit in a distant sort of way, but enough that he wouldn't risk hurting her. He firmly holds to the belief that he can't go back and have her safe. Jazz and I offered to leave for a while, so that Edward and Bella's relationship could carry on, and when she was changed, we would come back. As much as I wouldn't want to be away from her or my family, I could handle that, knowing that our separation would be temporary and that we would all be safe and happy and together again. Stupid Edward of course refused, citing that Jasper was not the only risk we posed to her, and his plan hinged on Bella becoming one of our kind.

Did I mention that I'm really, _really, _angry at my idiotic brother? He can't do anything to make himself happy can he? He won't stay with her, even though he wants her and she wants us too. _Us._ She wants all of us. He won't change her, even though she wants to be changed. He won't allow himself to be happy, even though I know, as a mated vampire, that Jasper's happiness is central to my world. Does he not know that Bella would do this for him? Or does he still hang onto this assumption that anything she did to make him happy would surely not be deserving? Sure, Edward would go through fire to make Bella happy, but he won't do the one thing that would guarantee happiness for the both of them. Why, oh why does he insist that his happiness and reason for existence is so polar opposite from her? That his happiness seals her demise, even though it's clear that her wishes are his truest desire?

I understand Edward better than most, in a lot of ways. I know what it's like to have an extra sense that gives you more information than you would care to have, I get that. I also know what it's like when that sense leads you in the wrong direction. But I don't know how he can't see that his pain is her pain, that her path to joy in this world is also the path that he is destined to walk. That in the end, this is not about souls, or his god, or his version of virtue, it's about the truest, purest feelings that two beings can have for one another, and that by trying to "save her soul", he's doing so at the cost of her heart.

So we drive north, and every mile that separates us continues to create a chasm that I cannot bear to explore any further.


	2. Ultimatum

_A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns all the original twilight characters. No copyright infringement intended._

_December 2005_

_~Bella~ _

So, this was it. After months of my parents' collaborative bargaining, pleading, cursing, manipulating and finally _coercion, _it had come to this. I think Charlie and Renee's conspiratorial tactics led them to talk more in the last three months then they did in their entire short-lived marriage. Supposedly for my benefit, although I couldn't see how what I was about to do was going to be possible, let alone effective.

Three months since Edward left me in the woods. Three months since I tried to follow, in vain, only to find myself lost and a lone in a catatonic oblivion. Memories since September have resembled more of an old home movie – fuzzy, non-sensical, piecemeal. The world has seemed to exist just beyond a pane of glass. It has been untouchable by me. I no longer had a world; I was just a spectator to something that will never really know me again. While everything has felt so distant, it has also made me feel safe – safe from feeling, reacting, and reliving the torture of finding out that the person I loved more than life, didn't love me back. That I was a distraction, and in the end, I wasn't good enough to hold his attention. Really, not surprising, considering who I am, but agonizing enough that I couldn't touch the place in me that this knowledge lies.

Thanksgiving was, thankfully, a blur. I think I remember eating, but I don't remember who made the food. I vaguely remember faces. I don't remember what the food tasted like. I recall words of thanks at the table, and then received a very unpleasant announcement for which I am not at all grateful.

"Bella, your dad and I have been talking…"

Oh, Renee and Charlie have been talking, it seems.

"…We're, well, you know that we're worried about you, and in the past couple of months, we've noticed that your issues have been, well, more than emotional…"

Emotional? I have emotions still? I didn't think someone whose soul has been ripped from them couldfeel those anymore.

"What your mother is trying to say," Charlie began, "Is that we know you don't want to leave Forks, and while I'm not complaining, I don't understand why. The point is though; you have to let us do something. So we have a plan."

Now they've got my attention. At least enough to produce a deathly stare. I am _not _moving from this place.

"Wait now," Charlie cautions, "We have found an alternative. Apparently there is a new youth program being run out of the Medical Centre in Port Angeles. They are accepting evening and weekend clients, so you could attend outside of school hours. What'd ya think? You wouldn't have to move, you could at least finish high school here -"

" – So," I cut Charlie off, "I don't have to go to Jacksonville, or Phoenix, or the-middle-of-no-where "spirit" camp you proposed two weeks ago, but instead I get to be drugged up and have my mind pilfered in the comfort of my own surroundings?"

"Well, when you put it like that, sweetheart…"

"I tell is like it is."

"Bella," Renee interjects, "This doesn't mean you'll be drugged."

"Oh. I'll just have my mind nuked by someone with a fancy degree who's probably never been in my situation."

"- Now you can't assume they don't know you're situation –"

Yeah, I think it's safe to assume so. I wonder how many journal articles they've read on vampire-human break ups. Maybe they were dumped by an impossibly, inhumanly, wonderful and beautiful non-human? Doubt it.

"So we have a proposal Bella. Your mom and I want you to try the outpatient clinic in Port Angeles –"

"Or?"

"Or, we are going to follow up with Dr. Gerandy and have him write a letter recommending that you be placed in a more permanent facility to treat your…issues."

Some proposal, _Dad._

"Char- Dad, isn't there a more appropriate legal term for this kind of…proposal?"

"Bells, listen. I could understand if this was just a mopey teenager, maybe if you cried a lot, or even got a little rebellious. But the nightmares! And the eating…"

"I eat fine. I'm eating as much as I need."

"No, my dear, you're not." Renee said softly.

"Oh, sorry mom, I didn't realize you were suddenly so interested in the food I was eating. If I remember correctly, it was _me _making sure _you're _cupboards were stocked. I'm still the one who cooks here –"

"ENOUGH! Bella, first of all, you have no right to speak to your mother that way, and second, I don't think you've taken a good look at yourself in the mirror lately."

I haven't. The reflection only reminds me of what _he _found inadequate; the body which could not hold his attention.

"You've lost a lot of weight Bella. Your clothes hang off of you, you're skin is dull, your hair is limp. These are signs of Anorexia, Bella. We love you. We love you enough to make you angry, if it means that you will get better. Please consider the clinic in Port Angeles. We don't want to fight with you anymore."

At least someone loves me.

So, after all that to do, for the next three months I would have to live with this thorn in my side. I was at Olympic Medical Center in Port Angeles on a Friday evening, with a very stubborn Charlie with me, and a Renee who has made me promise to email her twice a day. After the fuss I put up about refusing medical treatment, my dad wouldn't let me drive here alone. So there I was sticking out the least dreadful option in my parents' ultimatum.

As I sat there, I made two decisions about what I can and cannot say to this shrink. The rest would either have to be a very carefully constructed and somewhat believable lie (yeah, right) or an evasion of the truth. First and foremost, I wouldn't ever betray the Cul – _their_ secret. It's and odd feeling to want to protect a group of people, yet you can't stand to think their last name. Second, and almost as important, I needed to convince this therapist that I'm really OK, so I can go back to living through numbness. I just didn't know how I was going to do that. How could I speak with someone for an hour a week, on a subject that I couldn't even think about without going into hysterics, and have them believe that I'm OK? The numbness, it was OK for me. It was better than the feeling. Further, I didn't know what feelings a mental meltdown would bring up. I didn't know where it would lead me. I didn't like thinking of that loss of control.

I shifted nervously in the rose colored vinyl chair, while Charlie sat across from me, trying not to look at me for too long. I know this had been hard on him. I wished I could feel better for him. But if I let myself feel anything, I knew my reaction would hurt him more. So in the last few moments before my appointment, I allowed my body to slip back into my numb world, the place in my mind and my heart that I could curl up and be as far from reality and pain as possible.

"Isabella Swan?"

I thought I just heard my name.

"Is there a Ms. Swan here?"

Yep, that was my name. I looked up, and there was a middle-aged woman at a desk looking around the room. I think she was looking for me.

"Bella, the receptionist is calling you. You'd better answer or she might think you aren't here."

That was Charlie talking. I'd better get up and see what this lady wants.

"I'm Isabella Swan." I replied. I headed towards the receptionist, who looked at me with a professional mask that poorly hid the pity she had for me. Her head cocked slightly to one side, her lips turned up just slightly, and her brow crinkled.

"Pleased to meet you Miss Swan. You can head into room three; Dr. Doyle will be with you shortly." The receptionist's smile widens just slightly before she returns to the paperwork at her desk.

"Thanks" I headed down the hall for the worst hour since September.

I found room three, slipped in and sat down. Mercifully I was alone. I had the chance to close my eyes for just a moment, and focus on the task ahead of me. There was no doubt in my mind that the hour I have before me would be anything but therapeutic. I decided to think of the next hour as a mission – talk as needed, don't give away intel to the enemy, and walk out with my emotions as numbly guarded as when I walked in. That's all I could hope for.

Before long, I heard a slight click, click, of a door being opened and closed. A gentle voice spoke, "Hello Isabella, my name is Bridgette. I'm a psychologist here at Olympic Medical Center. I just need to gather a few books from my shelf, and I'll sit down with you in just a moment."

The moment had arrived. I carefully opened one eye, and a petite woman is standing, with her back turned toward a shelf. Her hand gracefully skimmed the spines of the books; as though she knew what she was looking for by the feel of the cover. She was slightly smaller than I, and had rich, dark curly hair that tumbled to the middle of her back. She was little bit curvier than me too. Her hands and arms were pale, but looked as though they might be a honey tan if she weren't here on the Olympic Peninsula. For some reason I was comforted by her small size, though I don't know why. After knowing Alice, I was well aware of the power that can be contained in tiny bodies.

I opened the other eye. The room was small and windowless, but it seems to house a warmth that I couldn't place. The walls were painted a light earthy brown, and there was a large mahogany desk to one end. I was sitting in a cushy leather armchair, and there was a smaller sitting chair to my side, about 4 feet away. I supposed this is where she would sit. The office was lined with dark book shelves, and there was artwork in the room. One was a wood carving of a woman's body, with no head and no legs, cradling an infant-like form at her hips, as though the child might slip from her grasp at any moment. Weird. Not the generic stuff that I usually see in offices. Another was an old oil painting, which reminds me of the paintings in Carlisle's study. Carlisle's study that was no more….Carlisle's paintings that have been torn from my life. Carlisle. Esme. Emmett. Alice. Jasper. Rosalie…_him._

No. I couldn't do this. I couldn't go down that road, especially not here. No where but here. Why did I have to pick out the things that remind me of them? I couldn't really think of them while I did this. I could only think of my mission, and hope that it will mask the rest of the story.

I was awakened from my internal battle by the sliding of some books. Bridgette apparently found what she was looking for, and had a pile of 4 or 5 large books resting in one tiny arm. She carefully moved to my side and placed them on the edge of the large desk.

"So, Isabella –

"You can call me Bella." I responded

"OK then, Bella. That has a lovely ring to it". Her voice smiled.

"Thanks". Wow. My words sounded so rough and abrasive next to her milk-and-honey voice.

Bridgette carefully turned from the books, and headed toward the seat next to me. I took in all her features. Long brown curly hair, petite but curvy, pale. These things weren't so important. Not after she looks up at me. Her high cheekbones, arching brows and dark lashes provided a frame for the only thing that mattered now:

The pair of golden irises staring back at me.


	3. Therepeutic, like an icy lake

_A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns all the characters from Twilight._

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><p><em>Bridgette carefully turned from the books, and headed toward the seat next to me. I took in all her features. Long brown curly hair, petite but curvy, pale. These things weren't so important. Not after she looks up at me. Her high cheekbones, arching brows and dark lashes provided a frame for the only thing that mattered now:<em>

_The pair of golden irises staring back at me._

During the summer weeks I spent with Charlie while I was a kid, I learned a little about swearing. For example, he instructed me that it was vulgar and rude to use curse words, but that didn't mean that I couldn't see them written on his face from time to time. Like the time when I was 10, and Jacob Black and I decided to pull a prank on him. Jacob came running out of the woods near our house screaming that I had been hurt. Charlie jumped up and came to me, only to find my (naturally) pale little body strewn on the forest floor faking a fainting spell. With my eyes closed, I could hear the panic spreading from Charlie's breathing, his incoherent murmurs, to the fumble of his hands in his jacket pocket looking for god knows what. When I suddenly opened my eyes and said BOO! I didn't hear a thing anymore. Complete silence. I didn't need to hear though. I could read every curse word known to creation on his purpling face.

That's when I learned that it was OK to curse in my head.

So now, sitting with Bridgette, I began to have mental diarrhea that purged every vulgar word from the back of my head onto to forefront my consciousness. And I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't learned that from Charlie years ago, that I still would have been OK with my silent cursing, because there was nothing else I thought I could do at the moment.

Reasoning being, that even though she was golden-eyed, she was still a vampire. I didn't know what would happen if I told a non-Cullen vampire. So great. Now I have someone I _could_ tell my whole story to, seeing as though she wouldn't think I was crazy, but I didn't know if I _should _tell it to, seeing as though she may feel obligated to do something with me, since her knowing that I know would put her at risk. God, how I wished at that moment I could be limited to the dilemmas of the average teenager.

"So Bella, why don't you start by telling me a little bit about yourself, and we'll go from there. Shall we?" While Bridgette's eyes were comforting, they were too familiar. They forced me to see other faces that I was trying hard not to see in the next hour.

_A little bit about myself…hmm…well, I'm an eighteen year old senior at Forks High, I enjoy reading – the classics, mostly – oh, and yeah, apparently I lost my mind when my centenarian vampire boyfriend, who previously vouched his love and his life for me, and suddenly dumped in the woods by my house because I'm not good for him. On top of all this he took his whole vampire family with him, who I thought liked me, well, most of them. That included my best friend, who didn't say good bye._ I flinched externally to this internal monologue_. _I'm not supposed to think of this.

My cheeks puffed out with a large exhale. "Well, I've been having trouble sleeping…and I feel a little less motivated at home."

"Do you know why you might feel less motivated at home, why you are having trouble sleeping?" she queried.

Here goes something.

"Well, it sounds silly to say it out loud…I…well you see in the fall…back in September…well, I guess…what I mean to say…is that he, well all of them –"I sighed loudly, "My boyfriend dumped me and his whole family moved away."

"Your boyfriend broke up with you? Well, even though that's a typical teenage experience, I want you to know that it's normal to have strong feelings, especially if this was the first time it has happened. Would you like to talk a little bit about what happened? Dr. Gerandy described your state as 'catatonic' on several occasions. It seems that this was a big experience for you."

I chuckled "Yeah, well, you know, first love" _to_ _a glorious vampire who got bored with me, who had a wonderful family I adored who can't be bothered to call me up. At all._

"First love and first heartbreak are universal experiences."

But no one has loved like him and me. Or at least me.

"Would you like to talk about the events leading to your emotional reaction?" Bridgette continued

No, I would not.

"Are you gonna put me on drugs?"

"Drugs, Bella?"

"Yeah, are you going to give me pills all this go away" I spun my hand in circles around my head.

"Well, medications are options Bella. I'm a psychologist. I can only make recommendations to your doctor. Is that something you are interested in obtaining?"

"No…maybe. I don't know. I don't think so" I concluded.

"Alright." Bridgette answered. "This is our first meeting together. I don't know enough to say for certain that medication beyond what your Doctor has given you is going to help you…deal with the situations that you have.

The little pink pills in my purse jumped at their mention. I haven't taken one yet.

"Listen, I can tell you're nervous," She continued, "That's normal for the first day. How about this: How about I tell you a little bit about my style, and how I like to work with clients, so you can maybe feel a bit more comfortable. Then I can send some stuff home with you to work on, and you can bring it in next week. Does that sound fair?" Bridgette's eyes were too familiar again. What she dazzling me? Or was it just that they made me think of the people I've lost?

"Yeah, sure that sounds good".

Bridgette continued on by describing her "Style" to me. Apparently she's laid back, first name basis and all that. She told me that she wasn't going to feed me ideas about what was going on with me, but hopefully she would ask the right questions that allowed me to open up. Still, don't think that's possible. I wasn't sure if I could fool a human, someone who wouldn't pick up on innuendoes as they slipped, someone who might not pick up on the minute gasps, mumbles and facial expressions as I attempted to dance a thin line between privacy and dishonesty. How could I fool her? I am the worst liar in the world, dealing with a creature who lies through her teeth daily. Never mind her heightened senses. Fuck. I wish she were human. Or in the least, I wish I knew I could tell her everything. But for now, I had to be extra vigilant to make my face unreadable…not something I was ever good at.

I wished they were here. I wish Alice had called me ahead of time. I wish that I could ask Carlisle about this Dr. Doyle, in case he knew her. I wish _he _were here, and he could dazzle and bribe someone into finding me a human shrink. Of course, if they were still in my life, that would be a moot point. But whose fault is it that they're not here? In the end, I guess I wish I could have been more for _him_. Then I wouldn't be stuck here with someone who could, but shouldn't really know what I know.

As I listened to Bridgette's rundown, I strategized on how much more info I could give her. Telling her about them, knowing who she was, felt a lot like diving into an icy lake of unknown depths. I could easily be hurtling myself head first into a place of no return, unraveling the months of oblivion I had artfully managed to wrap around my tender psyche. Or, I could crash head first into another vampire who in the end, didn't really want me, or need me the way I needed them. I wanted to trust her. I wanted her to soothe away the pain of abandonment. But I didn't know if she would, and I didn't want to know what I would find if I had to remove the numb layer that has kept me together since September.

Perhaps, like an icy lake, the only way to acclimatize is to jump in straightaway. I didn't know if I wanted to acclimate to a new place.

Bridgette continued to look at me with her liquid gold eyes, and she spoke soothing words towards my story. She kind of reminded me of Esme, and a little bit of Carlisle. No. I promised myself I wouldn't think of them in this hour. I shouldn't trust her. Look what happened last time I trusted a group of vampires? But I didn't think she was out to get me either. It would be too easy to open up to her, to put my emotions in her hands and peel away the numbness and crawl into the embrace of her soothing voice. But I couldn't be sure of the outcome. Could she help me fill the void within? Or would I face betrayal yet again at the hands of a "good" vampire? I loved _them_. I didn't know her.

Was her presence just a coincidence? I mean, isn't it too convenient that I find a vampire therapist after being abandoned by my vampire family?

What if she's not friendly? What if the golden eyes are somehow faked? Can on

Get contacts in that color?

No, I didn't believe that. By looking at her face, all I could see was warmth, sincerity, and a desire to understand.

And then I realized. I wasn't being asked to jump into an icy lake. I'd already done that. And honestly, it was _really _nice in here, in my frigid surroundings. I'd already been pushed toward the edge of that cliff. I had taken the plunge and I've been under for 3 months. I really had no intention of coming back up. To break the surface would be to become aware of everything, and since the pain in my chest has dulled to slow throb, I had no desire to bring back its sensation at the fullest. No thank you. I liked my dark icy lake, and I was going to stay here. But at this moment if I did want to surface, Bridgette was a practical lifeline. If hers was the hand reaching in, beckoning me to come up for air, then I could conceivably grasp it, face the pain, and have someone who understood how to begin to heal it. Maybe. As much as I liked my frigid home, and as much as speaking aloud the words that trapped me beneath the surface would burn, I couldn't help but want it. I wanted someone to understand, though I risked the shock of sunlight when I surfaced from the comforting darkness.

Through my internal rambling, I manage to squeak out a few vague responses to this vampire shrink. She was very good as a human, really. Graceful, but sure her otherworldly movements were undetected by the untrained eye. Look at me. Bella Swan, vampire expert.

"Well Bella, I know this first meeting has been short, but hopefully we can meet next week and work on your reactions to your…boyfriend leaving. I'd like to give you some work to bring home with you, and we can discuss it next week. What do you think? Do you have anything else you want to mention?

The invitation to say more hung like a life preserver between her and I.

"Well, I guess…"

I could grab the invitation, pull with all my strength and allow the rush of feelings to come back. I am sure however, that this would manifest into a complete emotional breakdown resulting in white padded rooms, hospital gowns and a Bella on more than just one little pink pill.

Or, I could reach just one hand up, above the surface, and find out just how badly the heated air of reality was going to burn me.

"…You know Dr. Gerandy has only been my doctor for a few months. Before that, I was a patient with…Dr. Cul – Dr. Cullen." _ It burned to say that name_. "Do you know him?"

For the faintest moment, I thought I saw her eyes flicker. Was it recognition, knowing? Remembering him? She must know him. How many veggie-vamps are out there?

"Yes, I recall seeing that name, Cullen, in your files. But to answer your question, I have never made Dr. Cullen's acquaintance. Wasn't that also the name of your boyfriend?"

She's never met Carlisle. But she didn't say she'd never heard of him…

I almost doubled over when she mentioned 'boyfriend', weren't we so much more? Wasn't I so much less to him than a girlfriend? "Yeah, Well I was, you know…dating his son. Who apparently became too bored to be bothered by me and..."

I could feel my hand reaching toward the surface. The burn above the waters scorched my fingertips like fire. I was saying too much. Can't think about them. I couldn't break through my cool hospice…but not today.

I just hope it didn't show too much on my face. Or the way I was suddenly hunched over.

"Hmm…I am interested in hearing more about what you're…feeling… " Bridgette reached behind her, and pulled out a plain, black covered book. "For this week, I want you to write about them. Write about what has happened to bring you here, today."

I flipped through the book. One hundred blank pages. One hundred spots to break through the icy surface. One hundred life preservers, lifeboats, pieces of driftwood, reaching arms to pull me from this comfortable place. One hundred places I'd like to avoid, and sink lower into my comfortable nothingness. One hundred crevices to find solace - or different flavors of insanity.

"Thanks. I'll see what I can write."

Well, that's all I can ask for. We'll see you here next week, same time."

I rose from the big puffy chair, previously unaware at how this spot had sheltered me. I suddenly exposed. And a little bit brave.

"Bridgette?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"Do your eyes change color?"

"My eyes...We'll talk more next week. Until then, Miss Swan."

Now I felt stripped bare. Raw. Vulnerable to the fluorescent lights in the waiting room, the nervous shifting from Charlie, and the pity-smile from the receptionist. I wanted something, anything that would help me sink lower rather than floating more dangerously close to the surface that I couldn't risk breaking.

I met Charlie back in the waiting room. He tried to pretend he hadn't been sleeping in the pink vinyl chair.

"Uh…Bells? You left your phone out here. It rang a couple of times while you were in there." He rubbed his eyes. "Didn't answer it. You know how I am with those things like cell phones. Didn't want to mess it up or anything."

I looked at the screen. 3 missed callers, all unknown calls. "Hmm, doesn't say who it is. Must have been Renee, she's always losing her cell phone, or cord, and calling from some pay phone here or there." Maybe the corner of my mouth turned up. Me trying to smile.

Thankfully, the ride home with Charlie was uneventful. He had the grace – or possibly lacked the nerves – to avoid asking me what I had spoken of during my session. The green-lined highway streaked past me, not quite fast enough. Driving the speed limit was oddly reassuring, and yet caused a flicker of loneliness to course through me.

The truth was, I yearned for the thing of which I was afraid to succumb. Perhaps because I knew I couldn't get it from the person I needed. I wanted protection at this moment. I wanted to solace, to seek asylum from this craziness, to have someone who could understand. I needed someone who would believe me…and not leave me.

Could she give me this? Could I tell her I knew what she was without risking my life, or abandonment?

I remember the stories. _He _wants me to forget everything, but I can't. I remember being told of moving from city to city, leaving when someone became suspicious, or realized who they were.

So herein lays the dilemma; I don't tell Bridgette that I know she's a vampire, and I continue on with therapy sessions fabricated so that she doesn't know that I know. Or, I tell her, and I risk her leaving – or worse.

Either way she can't be my asylum. For the first time, my icy lake began to feel unsafe.

My cell phone rang again. Renee again.

"Mom? Did you lose your power cord again? I could send you a couple of extra you know, cheaper than all the money spent at a payphone…"

"Mom?"

Silence.

Dial tone.

Must be bad reception here. I'll call Phil's phone when I get home.


	4. Journal entry 1

_A/N Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended._

* * *

><p>After the exhausting afternoon spent in Port Angeles, I really just wanted to be alone. I directed Charlie to the leftovers in the fridge, explained my fatigue and then all but crawled up the stairs.<p>

Reflecting on the new-found metaphor for my state of nothingness, I breathed deeply and allowed myself to sink deeper into the icy depths of comfort.

Unfortunately for me, it didn't feel quite so comfortable anymore. There were things I still liked about it. The irony wasn't lost on me that the mental respite that I had constructed in which to avoid _him_ was a cold, dark landscape. I think I would have felt less sure of that place had I dubbed it a hot dry desert. I imagine it's the same reason I couldn't leave Forks for Jacksonville. As much as couldn't think his name, or try to imagine his face, I couldn't fathom existing in a location – imaginary or otherwise, where he couldn't conceivably be with me.

And I wondered why my parents tricked me into therapy.

After ducking into my cold haven, I decided to bite the bullet and call Renee. I found Phil's cell phone number and left her a message. I wanted to know if she'd called, promised her a couple of power cords for Christmas if she needed them, and asked her to phone back.

Of course, I kind of wish it hadn't been her. I kind of wish I was being "checked up" on. The idea of that possibility made be both hopeful, and a little angry. I liked the idea that somewhere out there, one of them was still thinking about me, caring how I was doing. But I cringed at the audacity that same person would have to check up on me, say nothing, and leave no message. As though they – whoever 'they' was – allowed themselves to hear my voice, but I was denied any sort of their presence in my life. Not fair, not cool at all. But oh, how I wish it were so.

~O~

Finally on Monday evening, after I had dutifully finished supper, cleaning and homework, I worked up enough nerve to open the black book. I didn't say I was able to write in it. But I was able to stare at the ominous blank pages. Each page was an opportunity, each page a threat. I looked at the book and suddenly I slipped into my icy lake. As I flipped through the pages over and over, the white sheets became gentle waves undulating on the surface of the safe place in my consciousness.

After a few moments, I looked up at the time. It was 3 AM, and I had spent eight hours exploring the wavy surface via the empty book.

~O~

On Tuesday Renee called. She had indeed lost her power cord, and had tried to call on Friday, wanting to know how my therapy session went. Wanting to know what I talked about. I'm glad she couldn't get a hold of me on Friday. I wondered what I would have done if it hadn't been her, which was a moot point anyway, as it was my mother all along.

~O~

On Wednesday Just after supper, I peeked in the journal. The first page called to me – no, it taunted me. It dared me to reach up again beyond those gentle waves to the heat that waited above, to reach out to someone, to something other than the repetitive rambling in my own head. So around 7pm, I began to write:

_Journal Entry #1_

_December 7__th__, 2005_

You're frozen, when your heart's not open*

_I think Madonna had it right long before I ended up in this place._

_Feeling frozen feels good. I can think without feeling here. I don't need a heart anyway. The organ pumping my blood for me must be given another title, because the proverbial place that holds my love is no longer with me._

If I could melt your heart*

_Is that what was wrong? Was yours frozen to begin with?_

We'd never be apart*

_I guess I wasn't able to do that. I simply wasn't enough._

_Funny, it didn't feel frozen all those months. It felt alive. It warmed me, as much as I warmed you…or I thought I did. You never felt dead to me. You never felt frozen. _

_I suppose it was the novelty of me. I seemed to have been an experiment that went on too long for you._

_Why? I know you said you were not worthy of me. I know you told me time and again that you weren't good for me, that I deserved something else. Something "better". But you never told me everything until the end. You never made me feel less than special until that very last week. You had lots of reasons why our relationship was dangerous – some of which I witnessed – and felt – first hand. But you never told me all of it, until the end. You never said you were dangerous because you could break my heart. You only alluded to other things: death, physical harm. I could have handled those things. But a broken heart? You broke me in the way I can't handle, and you didn't warn me. You broke the one thing that cannot be put back together so easily._

_I sometimes wonder you know, if you were real, or if your eyes, your smell were not just a part of my wild imagination. I had few friends in Phoenix, moving here, moving away from my mom was the hardest thing I had ever done at that point. Maybe I willed you into being? Perhaps my brain tried to rectify it's insanity by sending away my imaginary lover._

_But it can't be. You are real_

_You _must be _real._

_No one touches another's soul like that without it being real. Hallucinations cannot conjure the depth of love that I felt for you._

_Bouts of insanity don't come with their own mansion in the woods, complete with a grand piano, a perfectly composed lullaby, and a loving family (well, most them). Apparitions developed in my mind wouldn't leave crescent-shaped scars on my wrist._

_Would they?_

_You said you were dangerous. That I should be afraid. I thought you were talking about how you could hurt my body._

_I never considered my heart and soul. That's what you truly ended up ripping out. _

_I think I am sick, but not in that way – I didn't have delusions of you or our experience. I did not imagine things that weren't truly there. Still, I know there must be something wrong with me because above all else, I know if you came back tomorrow I would go back to you. I'd risk it all again to see you. To know that yes, you did exist, and the months that I spent in love with you were indeed real and true._

By the time I put my pen down, it was well past midnight. It took every bit of strength to continue each sentence. As I was terrified of the outcome, my hand shook as my jumbled thoughts spilled onto the page. I knew my penmanship was horrid, and my writing left something to be desired. Bridgette never said it had to be a 'good' journal entry, did she? This isn't a homework assignment.

No, it's more important than homework. And it should be perfect. I can't let her see my mixed thoughts. The last thing I need is another doctor thinking I'm crazy.

So I ripped the whole thing out.

I looked at the journal, collapsed on my bed and started to sob. In less than a week, I had defiled it. I couldn't even handle a blank book without it causing me to break down. Just one more thing on my list of things to avoid. A handful of names, more than a few places around town, several cities across the country. People with certain hair colors, shapes of eyes, pale skin. Topaz. Almost every genre of music from the past century was not welcome in my life. And now I had to add blank journals to my list of emotional contraband. My world had grown smaller at an alarming rate, and it only seemed to shrink further. For the first time, I began to feel claustrophobic.

I stopped sniffled for a minute and looked around. I then began to bawl more fervently upon the realization that this spot on the bed was where we used to lay together. I didn't want to think about him lying in this spot. I wasn't going to imagine how he would smooth my hair from my face, kiss away my tears. Because he wouldn't do that now that I was no longer novel enough to keep his attention. _That _ reality simply didn't exist anymore. My sobs became more pronounced as I realized that although _I _existed, and _he _existed, _we _didn't exist. Tears began to soak through to my pillow, saturating the plush filling. I cried about Bridgette, because I didn't know where she fit into this. Even if I could tell her my story, she couldn't make him love me. There was nothing that could do that. No vampire therapist on earth could bring back to me what I had lost due to my being human, one that was plain, mousy brown hair, too thin, shapeless and simply not enough. The most Bridgette could do – theoretically – is change me, but then what? I would be stuck in an eternal existence alone, with my love just out of reach. I would be thrust into the small world of someone who doesn't care for me any longer. No, I wanted to be changed because I was choosing _him, _ and I genuinely believed that I was beloved member of his family. For the first time ever, I felt a part of a family. Not just the tag-along daughter or the object of a shared custody_. _But the one I loved simply didn't want me enough. What was I thinking? He was able to be with me for less than a year. Where did I get off thinking that he would want me forever?

Nothing around could bring me relief from memories of him. Even this bedroom didn't belong to me anymore. My cries shook me as my body spun, making objects that reminded me of him morph into a painful kaleidoscope of memory: The blur of color from the bedspread, the reflection from the glass of the window, the pale walls and the rocking chair in the corner. They melded into a spiral and came out again, whispering of a time that I fiercely held onto, refusing to forget, while at the same time I tried to compartmentalize in the back of my head - to not bring to the forefront of my consciousness.

The way that I was living was simply exhausting. I could neither let go of every reminder, nor could I think of it.

I briefly wondered how this had affected Charlie. Now that envisioned his face, I could see how the creases around his eyes has increased, how his hair seemed more disheveled, his clothing was rumpled.

In truth, while I kept up with the facets of my daily life, I had become more mechanical and unthinking when it came to household chores. The laundry didn't get the same attention as it had. My hair was brushed, but never received more attention than a cursory glance in the mirror, more out of habit than anything. Meals were simple, repetitive and uninspired.

Having said that, I realized that I had some major emotional breakdown, and the only attempt at "helping" my father had given me was to avoid saying _his_ name, preferring to call him "the idiot" under his breath, as well as presenting me with various mental health options every few weeks. Most of the "resources" Charlie offered were long-term inpatient solutions. many of them out were of state. My mother enthusiastically followed his lead, emailing me links, having brochures and packages sent to my mailing address, attempting to entice me into another "haven" or "safe place". Did I think that Charlie was being cruel? No. I just wish he tried harder to engage me, rather than sending my pain far away_._ As for Renee, well, enthusiasm was her middle name, and I think she was trying to help from a distance as best she could. And she was trying. After all, Thanksgiving was the first time she had been in Forks during the cooler months since I was an infant. I know she didn't come all that way for the turkey.

So considering I felt all but pushed out the door, I didn't feel too bad that Charlie's clothes weren't folded right away, or dinners were more often made up of ham sandwiches or leftover pizza. If he didn't care to have me around, why would I try any harder to engage myself in his life?

By now, the salty stains on my pillow were eating at me with their closeness. No one to dry them, or kiss them away. The kaleidoscope slowed down, each reminder of him becoming more distinct again, beckoning me from each of their places in my room. After what felt like a few moments, I rose from my bed, as the pillow felt like it was trying to suffocate me. Nothing was in my control. Everything was closing in on me.

The walls began to contract in on me; the window seemed to shrink into a minuscule size. I could hear my breathing accelerate. The rocking chair seemed to move of its own accord; I thought I heard it creaking. The bedspread grew until its edges billowed under me, like it had every intention of swallowing me whole. The pillow grew to three times its size, and the journal, the journal looked as though it would open at any moment, write my story for me, and leave me a bawling, incoherent bystander on standing on the edges of my own life, watching from the sidelines.

I had no control of anything in my life.

My room and its contents continued to grow and shrink away, as though they would close in to swallow me and throw me into a downward spiral and spit me out. The blank book before me threatened to fan its pages at me, to swell like the waves of my icy, safe lake and hurl me onto the shore into the unknown. My world was spinning out of control once again, and this place I had made no longer provided a safe harbor, no anchor to keep me securely hidden beneath the depths of my own denial.

Denial.

And then in the midst of this madness and the confusion that made my head swim, it started to slow down, and I came to an important realization.

Nothing was in my control anymore, because I had placed it all beyond my control.

By placing it out of my own power, I could continue to deny that there was a way to cope with the loss of the family I had grown to love. I could also continue to put off the responsibility I had in taking that first step on my own.

Sure, there were things that were connected to…_them…_that were beyond my control. Fortunately their names were less common than others. I wasn't going to be running into anyone else by the name of Esme anytime soon. School for obvious reasons would always be a reminder. I could maybe buy some new curtains, bedspread, get rid of that rocking chair.

No, maybe I'm not ready for that.

But why had I continued to place other things in that category, things that were uniquely mine, and yet screamed at me of my former friends?

Like this tiny, scary book that felt both like my freedom and my greatest threat. I had given the blank pages so much power. They weren't doors waiting to be opened, nor were they hands reaching below the surface, churning the water like waves, trying to grab me and pull me up. They were neither saviors nor predators who were grappling for their chance at me.

They were pieces of paper. I could do what I wanted with them.

Why had I let _them_, their acceptance and subsequent abandonment invade every aspect of my life? Maybe it was that since March of this year they were my whole life. They were the reason I woke in the morning. _He _was the reason I fell to sleep soundly each night. It wasn't just the woods behind my house that brought me to tears anymore. It was any part of woods, with just the right amount of light, or a fallen log, or a familiar mustiness of the forest floor that sent me spiraling back to that moment in September when my world was turned upside down.

It wasn't just things that they had touched that reminded me of them.

It was other things.

Like Bridgette.

In that moment, I knew. I wasn't afraid of her killing me for knowing what I knew. In the hour that we had spent together, I saw that she was more like Carlisle than anyone. I also knew that vampires that sustained off animal blood needed to be highly committed to their lifestyle, so much so that they wouldn't randomly drink from a human if they could help it. I knew they would run, hide, seclude themselves before they ran the risk of exposing themselves to something they couldn't handle. Right? I mean, it was her chosen profession to help people! It was her job! Momentarily, I felt relieved.

But what was it about telling her that frightened me?

Fear of rejection, in part. But also fear of being reminded of the liquid gold eyes that I loved all those months, the same one I thought gazed upon me in love as well. I couldn't handle being abandoned again.

Would I have chosen to have never met the Cullens? Would, if I could go back, have never experience this family who held so much compassion for each other, as more enthusiasm for their life than I most people I had met?

No. I would have done it all over again.

I loved them. And nothing anyone could do to warn me, or threaten me, or say to me could take that away.

I owned that love. It was mine. No one, not even _he_ could tell me that love did not exist. As much as I felt abandoned, lost, betrayed, I also felt loved at the time in which I was accepted into their family.

I sat cross-legged in the center of my bed for a longtime, staring at the little book with 98 pages in it, and the tattered edges of the first two ill begotten sheets that were sacrificed to my demented thought/writing process. Like a sacred text, I willed the book to speak to me. But it didn't. Because I was supposed to speak. It was my turn to say what I wanted, what I needed.

So with a trembling hand I placed my pen onto page number three.

_December 7__th__, 2005_

_Journal entry #1_

_I realized tonight that it doesn't matter how much I hide my feelings, my experiences from the rest of the world. What matters is whether I continue to hide them from myself._

_I am in control of what I feel, what I remember, what I choose to forget. I choose not to forget. I choose not to let the things in my life which remind me of _him _to continue to have power over me. Because I don't have to forget that he existed. I choose to remember him and his family. I choose to remember that I loved them, regardless of how they felt for me._

_I choose to remember the sights, smells, touches, kisses and all the moments which I believed mapped out love in its purest design. Because no matter what he felt, that's what I felt at the time. If I am honest, that's what I feel now._

_I feel lots of things now. Things I didn't feel, or didn't consider feeling a week ago. I feel betrayed. I feel lost. I still feel love. I don't feel blame. I can't blame him for not loving me because of what I am. I can't blame him for the fact that changing me would not result in igniting a love that simply never was. I can't blame him for seeking out novelties throughout his life. I can't begin to understand the complexity of what he has experienced. I simply don't measure up._

_Tonight I felt so out of control. I felt like the world was exploding and caving in on me at the same moment. I was afraid. I was afraid of coming up from the safe haven I created for myself in my mind, and I was terrified of the burn that the first inhale of air would bring me._

_Air in a place where _he _isn't._

_I was afraid of moving on in a world without him._

"_Though my soul may set in darkness, _

_It will rise in perfect light._

_I have loved the stars too fondly _

_To be fearful of the night." ~ Sarah Williams_

_I know what you are, Bridgette. I don't yet know _who_ you are, but I'm willing to open up enough to find out. Apparently I'm either brave enough or stupid enough to tell you that I know what you are before I really know you. I don't know why, it just feels right. As much as I have a choice in this matter, I know that there are only two options. I stay inside myself and live a non-existence, or I take the only hand that is capable of reaching me, and I let it hold me while I crawl out of this dark place. I have loved people like you. I've been told I should be afraid, but I'm not. There's not much left to fear._

_I need your help._

* * *

><p><em>AN_

The Madonna quotes are from the song "Frozen" from her Album "Ray of Light" (1998)

The Sarah Williams quote is from her poem "The Old Astronomer to his Pupil"


	5. Family

_A/N Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. _

_*Indicates a quotation taken from New Moon, and therefore belongs to Stephenie Meyer. _

* * *

><p>Friday rolled around. Charlie still didn't trust me to drive myself. He had heard the crying fit I'd after my last session, and doubted that I would be capable of maintaining my composure while driving home. He not so silently cursed "the idiot" under his breath when he thought I was listening. I tried to tell him the crying was just me processing. That it wasn't <em>him<em>. This was a half-truth of course. Yes, the crying was about me. Moving upwards and out into a place where I took responsibility and gained a sense of control was a painful process.

And truthfully, it _was_ because Edward had left. None of this would have happened had he not left me. So my father was not entirely wrong. Nor was he correct about why I was crying. Not that I could tell him any of this anyway.

The waiting room felt like a long, awkward dejá-vu. Pink vinyl chairs. Charlie slumped in the row across from me. I earned another pity-smile from the receptionist. Hoping that this repeat experience didn't become routine, I picked up a couple of magazines which turned out to be a bad idea. The first, a _National Geographic_ had a feature on the wonders of Denali National Park in Alaska. One look at that and I nearly doubled over in pain as the unseen force ripped through my insides. I turned the book over and managed to catch my breath, but not before Charlie noticed. He quirked an eyebrow in my direction and I quickly flipped the magazine over. I didn't doubt he would peek at it while I was gone, but I was fairly certain that he wouldn't make the connection, as he didn't know that the Cullens had cousins who lived in Denali.

I moved on to a _Cosmopolitan_. Well, nothing to remind me in this one, except page after page of breathtakingly beautiful people, mostly women. I glanced over at the Denali magazine and decided that I was falling into the same pattern. I was allowing myself to be controlled by things that were not directly related to Ed…to him. I wondered if I could look at the photos of Denali National Park. I imagined myself opening the magazine, finding the panoramic fold-out photo of the cold arctic climate in all its glory…and then I saw myself wondering if Edw…if he had ever hunted there. He if had run through those hills and mountains, if his brothers had played jokes on him there, if his family knew just that spot in the photo I was gazing at. I wondered if they could tell me stories about the land through their eyes…not that they could be bothered with me any longer.

So I opened _Cosmo._

Page after page of blondes, brunettes, redheads. Short hair, long hair, spiky hair, sleek hair. They were all so different, yet all so similar. Long sun kissed legs. Full rosy lips. Thick lashes that framed gorgeous eyes. It wasn't hard to notice that the magazine was void of plain brunette girls who tripped their way through life. I tried to imagine myself in one of the photo shoots sporting 4-inch stiletto heels and a tiny skirt, pouting my ruby lips and leaning on a mailbox while shoving a letter through the slot. I almost laughed out loud until I envisioned the consequences of me in stilettos of any height, and my giggles were stifled by a mental grimace at the pain of my photo shoot self falling. My musings moved on to determine which women in this magazine _he_ would – or could possibly – be chasing at this moment. I am sure any number of these women, even in their real-life, non-airbrushed bodies would make an excellent distraction. One or more of these beauties would probably last more than a year. I mean, once upon a time he settled on me, the novelty that is Bella Swan, and I lasted over six months. I clearly had nothing on the women here.

Of course, I could be totally off track. It could very well be an exciting locale that has caught his attention. I wouldn't blame him. Not after dating a girl who _chose_ to move to the backwaters of Forks, Washington of all places. Why stay with me when he could be mingling with sophisticated women from Paris, Florence, or London? Women who had the world at their fingertips. All I could offer was a tiny bedroom, a couple of novels, and pitifully small CD collection.

My name was finally called by Ms. Pity-Smile to go to Bridgette's office. I fiddled with the magazine in my hand, and quickly slipped it into my bag before heading in to speak with Bridgette.

Sliding into the same comfy chair, I let its depth and insulating features muffle the acoustics of my breathing. As my body heat tried to emanate outward, it crashed into the high arms of the chair and rolled back toward me. Sitting in that chair felt like sitting in a big hug. I tucked my feet underneath myself and allowed myself to relax back. The office looked a lot brighter than last week, and I realized that it was the windows. Last Friday had been sunny, and the shades were drawn. This week there was a light gray overcast, and the shades were pulled back, bathing the room with cool white light.

A painting on the wall beside the windows caught my eye. The bleak scene it offered took my breath away and made me shudder. It was a painting of a young girl falling belly first into a dark abyss. Her arms and legs were spread out, unable to find purchase in the edges of the pit. She was inevitably falling to a painful – if not fatal ending. As a bit of an expert on falling, I happened to know that this was one of the worst ways to land. All around her in the painting, faces gaped at her in shock. Children, babies, and fetuses clung to each other and stared on, frozen in horror. Their mouths formed ominous 'O's as she plummeted into a dark place filled with sinewy, bony feet and other appendages. It was terrifying. I couldn't for the life of me figure why Bridgette would hang this in her office, but I couldn't take my eyes from it either.

"You noticed the Tchelitchew I see." Remarked Bridgette

"Who?"

"Pavel Tchelitchew, that's a print of one of his works. I purchased that at the Museum of Modern Art, where the original is housed."

"Oh… I was just wondering…why you would hang it in here." I started.

"Why not? What do you see when you look at it?" Bridgette questioned.

I explained to Bridgette what I saw in the painting, but in greater detail. I tried to convey the horror I felt for the girl falling, how I felt the children and even the infants surrounding her had betrayed her, and yet they were also victims as they bore the responsibility for something that they weren't capable of changing. I described the sense of helplessness I felt as a spectator. I could neither grab the young girl falling into oblivion, nor could I stop the others from gawking at her. The ones who had the power to change her situation stood idle while she began her descent, and I was in no position to intervene.

By the time I had finished describing the painting, I felt a new and yet familiar wave of despair crash over me.

"Well," began Bridgette, "That is one way of looking at it. That's often the first reaction that people have."

"What! How could you not feel utter despair for that girl? She's falling into an abyss, the whole- the whole freaking school yard is watching her, and the best they can do is stop and stare? What's wrong with them? They were able to stop her and they didn't! I- I bet she didn't even know what was happening! She probably fell into that, never having seen it coming!" I was so angry at Bridgette at this moment. I was almost as angry at her as I was at those children in the painting.

Bridgette calmly let me finish, then queried, "You sound really passionate about the girl in the painting. What do you think it is that causes you to react so strongly?"

I paused and took a deep breath, "Maybe…I guess I feel for her. She looks like she thinks she's all alone, she can't control anything and there's – Oh."

I stopped.

Bridgette waited.

"I guess I've felt a bit like her, lately." I finally answered.

"A bit like her…how have you felt that way?"

"I guess I felt like I was left to fall, and the whole world – my whole world watched on and no one was there to pick me up." Tears started rolling down my face. "I feel like her in that the ones who could have stopped my fall, or grabbed me before I fell too deep had turned away from me, and the only people left in my life were people who were useless to do anything about it. The ones watching me are the ones who can't really understand my descent. They can't really know what it's been like. I can't tell anyone about it. I'm both falling away from those around me, and falling into an unknown, not knowing what I'll find at the bottom, if I make it there." I was truly, truly embarrassed at this point, as the last sentence came out in heaving sobs. The print in question that hung on the wall before me started to blur into a mass of browns, blues, reds and yellows as tears spilled onto my cheeks and I softly sobbed.

Bridgette handed me a few tissues, and I blew my nose into them noisily. I had no shame at this point.

"So I hear you saying that you feel like this girl who has fallen, in that you have lost control and have no one in your life to prevent you from going deeper?" I nodded my head. "and that you won't tell anyone the reasons why this "fall" for you has been so significant?"

"I can't tell anyone why."

"You can't tell anyone why." I could have sworn she was affirming my oath to secrecy as much as she was trying to reassure me that she was listening.

"You know, many people, when they first look at this painting, see a girl falling. But really, I think she's hiding."

"Hiding? You aren't hiding when you accidentally fall down a hole."

"Well, first, there is nothing in the painting to suggest that anything she has done is an accident." I couldn't help but reflect on myself as Bridgette stared at me pointedly. She continued, "Try and look at the painting differently. The 'hole' that you see her in. Try and look at it as though it's a tree. Allow the warm tones on the outer edges of the painting to move into the background, and the cooler, darker tones of the inside to become foreground."

I stared at the painting, and a new story came to life. The girl was not falling at all. She was huddled face first against a tree, grasping at it with her hands, and her feet were firmly planted at the base of the trunk. She was absolutely in control.

"The name of this painting, Bella, is 'Hide-and-seek'"

"She's not hiding." I stated.

"No? Then what do you see her doing?"

"She's seeking." I responded coolly. "All the other players have taken their positions. The outcome of the game rests on her."

"That's an intriguing interpretation."

"That's just like me." I looked up at Bridgette with new eyes, "I'm the seeker. All the others in my life have taken on a position, and it's up to me to decide where to go, what to find, and what to do about it once it's been discovered."

Bridgette smiled. Really truly smiled. It reminded me of the way Ed…ward had smiled at me. Not the dazzle. It was a face-splitting joyous smile that brought a new layer of light to the room. It both lifted me and pained me to recognize his joy in her face.

"I'm glad you see yourself as being more in control, Bella. Just like the game of hide-and-seek however, once you uncover someone – or something, you also place the outcome into a different set of hands. Of course, your feelings aren't a game. There is a lot more at stake if you choose to use your control to uncover things that you would rather had stayed hidden, than if you were playing a school yard game."

Oh, she was totally talking to me in code. I loved it.

"I think I'm the seeker, Bridgette. I think I need to uncover the things that have been hidden – or rather the things that I have turned my back on. It scares me to take the risk of seeing things, acknowledging things that have hurt me, but I have considered the other option, and it's too much work. I can't live like that anymore."

"What do you consider your 'other option', Bella?"

"To continue on as I have. To isolate myself from everything – including my own feelings. To place everything beyond the realm of my own control and responsibility. If I don't 'find' the things I have been trying to deny, they're just going to sit in the background of my life and eat at me. They will be 'what ifs' forever. I'm not willing to let that happen.

"Would you like to see my journal, Bridgette? I didn't write much…"

"Bella, the journal is for you. You write what you like. I have a feeling you have already told me, in so many words, what you've written."

"You're right, I have. But not all of it. I haven't told you that I-" My voice dropped to a whisper, "I know what you are."

Bridgette's eyes didn't flicker in surprise as I thought they would, which told me a lot. It told me that her being here was intentional, and there was no coincidence in me being her patient. Her face however, did relax and her eyes swirled with a tenor of light that I didn't see a moment ago.

Bridgette exhaled slowly. "You're right, and I know that you know. I wasn't sure when – if ever- you'd be ready to talk about it. I guess I have some explaining to do."

"Bridgette, did they, did _he_ send you here?" I hadn't considered this until now, and the thought of it started to make me angry. "Are you telling me that I'm not allowed to have them in my life, but they can send me some _substitute _to help pick up the pieces? Did, Ed…" My voice rasped, "…Edward send you to me?" The pitch of my voice was raised, and I could tell she knew I was becoming angry.

"Bella…Bella, no. The Cullen coven did not send me to you. First, I want you to know that I am here peaceably, I mean you no harm, and that I am here of my own accord. In fact, I'm not sure that the Cullen family – or...Edward, that's his name? – know of my existence. I realize they also hunt animals, and that practice among…people…like us is rare."

"I'm scared Bridgette."

"You should be, Bella. I don't know how long you knew the Cullens, but I have a feeling you knew them long enough to figure out just how dangerous a vampire can be."

"I know. That's all Ed – Edward would tell me – that you're dangerous. He went out of his way to show me how easy it would be for him to kill me, when we were falling in lo…I mean…I know he –" I had to stop. The edges of the hole in my chest felt like they were smoldering, growing and aching to consume the rest of my broken self.

I took a deep breath. I stared at the icy lake of my psyche from which I was emerging. The frigid nothingness called to me. I knew the numb place would act like a balm to the tear in my heart. I looked at the glassy surface of the water, slowly traced a finger along the surface. I dipped in a foot…and jumped back again as the glacial feeling of the waters shocked my body, and reminded me why I had climbed out in the first place. That place would soothe the hole in my chest, but would never heal it.

_If I could melt your heart… _

Deep breath. "I know now that Edward never loved me." Bridgette's eyebrows flickered, and her lips pressed together before she quickly fixed her expression. I could tell she didn't want to give me looks of pity, like that dowdy receptionist out front. "Maybe that's why he was always telling me how dangerous he was. Perhaps he was kind enough to try not to get me to fall in love with him." I could feel my face falling as I slumped my shoulders. The third button on my shirt became very interesting.

"As I was saying," I pressed on, "I am well aware that you are dangerous. I have lived through more than you can probably imagine."

"I could tell that you had" Bridgette quietly affirmed. "I just want you to be aware, before you continue working with me, knowing fully about myself and my family, that surrounding yourself has its dangers. Before you decide, I want to be able to talk to you about the risks and have your informed consent."

I nodded my head in assent. I knew that Bridgette didn't know what I had seen. She knew nothing of James, the ballet studio or my injuries. The winter months required that I wear long sleeved shirts, which conveniently covered the venom scar on my wrist. I had also taken to wearing a thick bracelet cuff to hide most of it. Because she didn't know how thorough my experience was in the danger of approximation to vampires, I was willing to let her tell me. I wasn't sure why, but having Bridgette in my life, felt like a stepping stone towards the Cullens, even though she didn't know them. I don't know why I wanted that, except that I knew deep down that I needed some sort of reconciliation with their leaving me. Edward, he was a different story. He no longer loved me. I still didn't know why his family left with not so much as a good bye note.

"Bella, first I want you to know that my blood lust is under control. Also, everyone in my family is an animal drinker."

Family?

"Having said that, I want to make sure you understand that by speaking about your experiences with me and the Cullens that you are consenting to continuing to be at risk in the vampire world. I believe that considering your unique circumstance, you can open up to me in ways in which you couldn't…or _shouldn't_…to a human therapist. This doesn't mean, however, that you can't choose that route. Although, I have a feeling that you know that you would be leaving out substantial portions of the truth when speaking to a human about your circumstances."

I nodded.

"So the choice is yours. You can stick with me and open up freely, and risk associating with my world. Or I can refer you to a colleague, and you can attempt to work on your issues while circumventing the entire story. The choice is yours."

"I just have one question," I countered, "Why?"

"Why"

"Why are you here to help me? How did you know about me? Did you know about Edward? His family? Who told you? Why do you care if I am sad or not? It's not like I'm the only teenager on earth to get dumped by a boyfriend. If you don't know me, or the Cullens, how did you find me, and why did you bother?" My monosyllabic query had morphed into an explosion of questions

"Well, I would usually start with the first question, but I am sure you can appreciate that it's a complicated story, and the answers to what you're asking tend to…overlap with some other details." Bridgette smirked, as if she told herself an inside joke. "I will tell you a bit about why I care. As an animal drinker, I have chosen to integrate into human society, and in many ways I feel closer to humans than I do to other vampires. I genuinely care about people. As a therapist, I have a natural curiosity and compassion for my clients' well-being. I became informed of your situation, and I felt I needed to act for a few reasons. I can share two of them at the moment: One, I had doubts that there was anyone in your life with whom you could speak, and I had learned that this situation has left you more than 'sad'. You were catatonic, and you have experience substantial weight loss, Bella. Second, I felt that as a vampire, and an animal drinker at that, that if a coven has left you knowing our secret, and had abandoned you under such, unusual and heartbreaking circumstances, that I have a responsibility to ensure your welfare, and make sure that you continue respecting our unique way of life. There are few of us that abstain from human blood. If it became known that an animal drinking coven left an informed human on her own like the Cullens left you, it would not only be dangerous for you, but all human blood drinking covens could become suspect of us. Vampires in general are not very forgiving folk, nor do they easily dismiss unusual diets like that of my family.

I needed to reassure her right away, "I would never EVER tell anyone about the Cullens. I don't want them to get in trouble, or worse."

"I don't believe that you would tell. But the Cullens aren't the only vampires that know of you, are they?"

I thought back. The Cullens had some relatives in Alaska. Could she mean them? No, they wouldn't tattle on their own cousins. Would they? The only thing I really knew about them is that Laurent decided to visit them to try out their diet…

Laurent. He knew about me. He also knew my relationship – or former relationship to Edward. So did Victoria.

Could Victoria rat out the Cullens as revenge? My stomach twisted with the idea.

"Bridgette, you _have_ to protect the Cullens. They could die if the Volturi found out! There are two others who know about me! The whole family could be killed!" My heart started to race as the word tumbled out of my mouth. How was she going to find them? I can't help her; I don't know where the Cullens are!

"Bella, listen. First, my family and I are in no position to help your friends" I winced when she called them that – friends –"and the best way to protect the Cullens is to ensure that there is no proof that they ever told a human who still lives –"

I gulped. I felt the blood drain from my face. I started to sweat. She was going to kill me. She was going to kill me so that no one found out about me, and no one questioned her diet. I am going to die. The room began to spin and black spots began to prick in front of my eyes as the world around me went black. No, I can't faint now. I have to try and get out of this.

Deep inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

"Bella, do you need a moment? You seem ill all of a sudden. Would you like some water?"

I gritted my teeth and tensed my lower jaw. "If you kill me here, everyone will know it was you."

Bridgette's eyes widened and she gently raised her hands, palms up toward me. "That was never my intention Bella. I just want to make sure that you are safe and that you have a place to go, to hide if necessary. If I can keep you safe, then I can ensure that the Volturi will never know who you are, or what you know. I am not going to hurt you." She said the last sentence as though she spoke to a cowering animal.

I let out the breath I didn't know I had held onto, but I couldn't stop shaking. It became clear just who – or what – I was sitting across from.

"If I wanted to kill you Bella, I wouldn't have introduced myself into your life like this."

Slowly my body relaxed, and I took a sip from the water bottle she had handed me. In a raspy voice I queried, "How do you know so much about me?"

"I would love to answer that, but I can't do it alone. I think for you to get a better picture, you should really meet my sister." Bridgette pulled out a cell phone started dialing. "She'll be here any minute."

OK. I'm not going to die. She doesn't want to kill me, she wants to help me, and protect the Cullens. I believed her. There was sincerity in her eyes, and her gentle voice seemed to calm me, even when I was panicking and thought she was the predator. "Bridgette?"

"Yes, Bella?"

Bridgette's eyes followed mine as I glanced briefly at the painting. "She's afraid to seek."

"What do you think she's afraid of?"

I paused. The words poured forth into my mouth, but my lips refused them passage outwards. I knew part of the answer, but I felt foolish answering without being able to back up my statement.

As if reading my mind, she said, "It's OK if you don't know that answer right now. Perhaps your journal is a good place to ponder that thought."

The dam that my lips had formed broke. "She's afraid of finding the people that have hidden from her, and losing them all over again. She is afraid she will find things she had not intended on seeking. She is afraid that she won't find anything and will continue seeking endlessly for something she was never meant to find. She is afraid of failing at an impossible task that she has set for herself, yet she doesn't completely understand what it is she wants." My cheeks became tinted a deep pink after I realized this admission. My face heated with shame, but at the same time, a knot in my stomach uncoiled, and I recognized a sense of relief from something I didn't realize I had held inside.

Bridgette gauged my confession and subsequent reaction, and paused. "Open your notebook, Bella, and write down this quote: 'If that which you seek you do not find first within yourself, you will never find without.' This week, I want you to write down what this means to you."

I nodded as I absorbed the weight of this assignment. There was a gentle tap at the door. "Bridgette?" a tinkling voice called.

"Come in," Bridgette answered in a subdued voice. That must be her vampire sister; no human could have heard that through the door.

The door creaked open, and if I wasn't so securely ensconced in the armchair, I would have fallen right out. Bridgette's sister – no, Bridgette's _exact likeness – _walked through the door. She looked around the room with a twinkle in her eye, and then her gentle gaze finally rested on me. She had long mahogany colored hair that hung in curls down her back, just like Bridgette's hair, but a few inches longer. She had the same arching eyebrows, heart shaped face and rosebud lips as Bridgette, with cheekbones that framed her almond-shaped eyes perfectly. Their necks were equally long and gracefully, with delicate collarbones that framed her neckline. Like Bridgette, Liza was nearly the same size as I was, but slightly curvier. The only other recognizable difference is that Bridgette's exact copy had golden eyes that were a shade lighter than her sister's. I heard a melodious giggle as doppelganger Bridgette carefully reached forward and placed a fingertip under my chin and gently pushed upward, thereby remedying the slack-jawed position my face had taken.

"You must be Bella", said Bridgette's copy. "My name is Liza. It must be clear to you that I'm Bridgette's sister."

"You…I mean…sisters!" I motioned between the two of them. This produced a chorus of giggles from both of them. "When you said sister, I thought, you know another coven member, but you two, you're related!" I must have looked stupid pointing my finger between the two of them, but at that point I was too astonished to care.

"Indeed we are Bella. We are, as you can see identical twins. Our sisterhood is both circumstantial and biological. Liza is my sister, my coven-mate, and my best friend. She is a nurse here in Port Angeles."

"A Nurse! Wow, you should really talk to Carlisle." I let out a sharp breath and paused. I would never see Carlisle again, much less be able to introduce them. "I mean, he's not here, but if you ever get the chance, you should really talk to him. You must have incredible control around blood."

"That I do, Bella. I am actually a Certified Nurse-Midwife, I love helping women give birth to babies." Her eyes took on a distant look, "While my preference is toward midwifery, I am currently working as a nurse filling in for nightshifts."

I wondered what made her want to be a nurse and deliver babies, when she couldn't have any of her own. Then my cheeks heated to an unprecedented level when I realized I had said that out loud. I lowered my eyes and mumbled, "I'm so sorry Liza, I didn't mean…"

"It's quite alright, Bella. Being a midwife is an important part of who I am, and has a lot to do with the fact that I'll never have any of my own. So, Bridgette told me you have some questions, and that it be better if I were here."

I explained to Liza everything I had wondered about, especially the fact that they, strangers to the Cullens, knew that I existed, that the Cullens had left, and also seemed to know that other vampires knew of me –a human who knew the secret.

"Bella," Bridgette started, "Are you familiar with the fact that some vampires have, shall we say, enhanced abilities?"

"Yes I am, I –" I almost blurted out that Edward could read minds and Jasper emotions, and that Alice could see the future, but then realized I should keep that information to myself. "I have…heard of some vampires having gifts."

"We have a gift" Said Liza, "Actually, we in a way have three gifts between the two of us."

Three? I didn't know that was possible.

Bridgette continued, "On my own Bella, I have stronger vision than most vampires. Think of a vampire's vision being something like a zoom lens. A vampire can stand in the forest, and focus their eyes on a point in the distance, and adjust their eyesight so it seems as though that point is up close, just a few feet away. I am able to do that about twice as far as the other vampires I have come across."

"And I," Interjected Liza, "Have more sensitive hearing. If I listened closely, I could hear a pin drop three blocks away. Having said that, I usually block most of those sounds out, or they become much too distracting." Although I heard Liza's words, my mind temporarily became fogged and the edges of the hole in my chest seared as she used the word 'distracting'. Realizing she didn't know what it meant to me, I quickly righted my face expression. Liza carried on, "But together, when we hold hands, Bridgette and I have a far more powerfully ability. Together, we can…view scenes remotely."

"Do you see the future?" I wondered if they were like another Alice when put together.

"No, we see the present. There are limitations to what we can see, but often we can see events that are taking place real time, and then meander through the environment remotely as we need to."

"Is that how you knew…were you spying on me?" I shuddered at what they must have seen and became instantly embarrassed, and a little angry. Were they watching me?

Bridgette instantly reached out to reassure me, "No Bella, we were not spying. We have never intentionally looked in on your life without your consent, except briefly in the past few months to make sure we were still needed here. We usually try to be discreet and careful with our gift, and we us it with caution. I may help if we continue to explain."

I nodded woodenly.

"Usually, we use our remote viewing gift as a means of survival in the human world. It is immensely helpful to know if people are becoming suspicious of who we are, and if we need to relocate. We have a practice of remote viewing the people we know and work with a few times a day, just to make sure they are not talking about us or talking to others about our peculiar lifestyle. I am sure you can imagine that being on top of being vampires, as identical twins we tend to attract unwanted attention."

Usually, to remote view on a person or a location, we need basic information. We need to know a person's name, and where they might be. If we don't know one of those things, we can often use their scent to locate them in a given area."

"So, if you knew my name, and that I lived in Forks, you could find me through remote viewing. But how did you get my name, and why?"

"Oh Bella, this is the good part!" Liza's eyes began to sparkle and she bounced in one spot, not unlike Alice. "Sometimes when we are remote viewing, we get flashes or images of people we don't know. We aren't exactly sure why this happens, but after decades of seeing strangers flash through our minds, we discovered two common denominators about each of those events." I didn't think Liza's eyes could glitter any brighter.

"Which are…?"

"The strangers we see tend to be experiencing some sort of trauma. We have, unfortunately, seen car accidents, deaths of spouses, messy divorces, pets passing away, blowout arguments and even fist fights between people, break ups…" None of those events warranted the excitement emanating from Liza; I've been through some of those things, I should know…

"You saw him break up with me."

"Yes…and we saw you before that. We saw you attacked by the blonde one they called James."

I gasped. They saw me that long ago? "You saw me that long ago? Why didn't you help?"

"For a couple of reasons" explained Bridgette, "First, because we see events in real time, we were too far away to do anything. We were hours away by plane. By the time we saw anything, you were already in the ballet studio with him. We continued watching. We knew we wouldn't get to you, but we also knew from what he was saying that you were connected to a group of vampires. We though if anything happened we would at least have some answers for them." Bridgette's voice took on a quiet, compassionate tone at the end.

"Then we saw the coven that rescued you. We saw they had medical training, and sucked the venom from you. We saw that you were going to live." Liza reassured me. "Keep in mind Bella, we can't go off running around fixing problems every time we spontaneously see a person who experiences trauma. We recognized early on that humans have a variety of experiences, and they deserve the right to live through them and experience them. Our vision of you was unique. It was the first time we saw a descendant with vampires, but they looked like they cared for you so -"

"Descendant, what do you mean descendant?"

"That's the other common thread between the spontaneous events that we see. Long ago, after picking out names, locations, even facial features, we realized that the events we saw spontaneously were all happening to blood relatives."

"Are you telling me –"

"Bella, you are our great niece 6 generations down, from your paternal grandmother's side." Spoke Bridgette.

"That makes me…"

"Our great-great-great-great-great-great-grand niece." Liza stated proudly.

"Holy crow, how old are you two?" That statement made them seem positively ancient.

"We were born in 1815. We were turned when we were 25 years old. Our brother, who was your direct descendant, was quite a bit younger than us, and started a family 11 years after we were changed. His name was Joshua Doyle." Bridgette then softly added, "This is the third, and most important reason we want to help you, Bella. You are of our blood, from our brother's blood, and you have fallen into our world, a world that could hurt you badly. In our brother's memory we felt obliged to protect you. In doing so, we have come to care for you too, Bella."

I am not quite sure how long I sat frozen, my gaze darting between two before me. They felt obliged to protect me, yet Bridgette admitted to caring for me, their niece. My aunts. _My aunts. _ I never had aunts. Now all of a sudden I have two vampire aunts, who could pass for being my older, hotter twin sisters.

As if she could read my mind, Liza said, "It's uncanny how much you look like our side of the family. I see a lot of us in your features, Bella."

"Yeah, well the genetics must have taken a beating through the generations" I laughed darkly, "You two are really beautiful."

"Bella, you know, you do look remarkably similar to us. You are also beautiful." I snorted at Bridgette's comment, but she continued, "In fact, the receptionist, Jeanette, doesn't think you're a client, she has convinced herself that I am using my lunch break time to meet with a cousin from Forks." She chuckled. "I haven't bothered to correct her, I hope that's OK."

"Yeah, it's OK…I just" I began to wonder at the pity smile she was always giving me. "Never mind, another time." I forced a smile onto my face.

Bridgette and Liza sat for a few more minutes with me, but before long my session had ended, and Charlie was waiting for me so I knew I needed to leave promptly. As much as I wanted to stay with them, I had to leave. I enjoyed their company very much. For identical sisters, their personalities were very different. Bridgette was friendly, but seemed to have a subdued demeanor. Her voice was also smooth, like honey. Liza on the other hand, had a sparkly personality that she showed through her body. On top of bouncing with excitement, she also danced from one foot to the other at one point, and used hand gestures emphatically when she talked. Her voice was melodic. Liza's facial expressions were open and expressive, while Bridgette's were tempered, measured and thoughtful. Though they were physically identical, their personalities were complementary. Like two pieces of a puzzle, they completed one another.

The week dragged by slowly. Every once in a while a paragraph or two would make it into my journal. I wrote about the Denali magazine, Cosmo, and my ruminations on where Edward would find a suitable distraction. The quote in my journal smirked at me. I was terrified of answering its foreboding call. While I was perfectly happy to type up school assignments, I cringed at pondering what was going on inside me. The answer to that, I was sure, would only lead to disappointment of the most painful kind.

I pondered all this new information from Bridgette and Liza. I was terrified of making new friends, especially vampire friends. I wasn't afraid they would eat me, as much as they would leave and I would experience a similar pain to that of the Cullens leaving. When I found myself anxious for Friday, so I could visit them again, my brain would remind me to hold back, and a voice would tell me that I was in danger of being abandoned once again. On more than one evening I cried myself to sleep, torn between risking a new friendship with people who might understand me, and being let down again once the novelty of 'the human' had worn off. Even if they were my aunts, it was all the more reason that I be no more than a fascinating specimen to them – a long lost relative – rather than a sentient being with feelings. At the same time, I craved the relationship I could have with them, as friend, niece, and confidante.

To distract myself from well, myself, I continued with my same monotonous routine – school, supper, homework, sleepless night. I was struggling with nightmares, having had the same recurring dream for five nights straight. In the dead of night on Thursday evening, I awoke from the nightmare and snapped. My chest ached from my rapid shallow breathing and despite being the middle of December, my sheets were soaked from sweat. _This has to stop_ I committed to myself. I will not let this control me.

I grabbed my journal:

_If that which you seek, you do not first find within yourself, you will never find without. _

_December 13__th__, 2005 _

_What do I seek? _

_I seek the solace of feeling like I belong with the people who surround me _

_I seek the warmth of feeling loved _

_I seek the fulfillment of loving back _

_I seek family _

_I seek the answers that were denied to me the day they left _

_I seek answers as to why he was dishonest with me for so long _

_I seek accepting and understanding people who will listen to my pain without judgment _

_I seek wholeness _

_I seek to be free from pain _

"_If that which you seek, you do not first find within yourself, you will never find without" _

_I suppose this quote to me is an extension of free will. I will not feel fully loved or accepted by others if I do not love and accept myself. I will not be free from pain if I cannot stop harming myself – body, mind and soul. I cannot love back if I don't trust that I am loved in the first place. I cannot find answers elsewhere, if I don't seek the answers to why I see myself the way I do in the first place. No other person can make me whole. Only I can make myself whole, and I will then see that wholeness reflected in the way that the people I love, love me. _

I began to think about my dream: I was sitting blissfully numb and dark in the middle of my lake, and I was counting. I counted to 25 and then yelled, "Ready or not, here I come!" I swam to the lake surface, and as I rose above the waves, the sky was bright and hot with the mid-day sun, but the surface of the lake was choppy as though it were storming. I was being pulled under again when a cold, sparkling hand grabbed mine, and a milk-and-honey voice said, "Are you ready to seek, Bella?" I suddenly saw that Bridgette is holding me up under my arms, about a foot above the water. I answered, "Yes." But the arms around me changed to _his _arms, and the voice morphed into _his _voice. He held me up above the water, and pulled me against the length of his body. God he felt good. He felt like home. He felt firm yet tender, a cool surface that ignited the familiar heat in my belly. I relished in the feeling of the planes of his chest and stomach pressed against me, and of his strong arms as they encircled my waist. I memorized the places on my body where his large hands gripped my securely. I gazed into his liquid gold eyes, and I could see all the love that was never there. I slowly reached up and brushed a lock of his silken hair from his eyes. As he looked at me his expression darkened and his posture stiffened. His eyes became flat. He stared as though he could see through me. "My world is not for you.*" He then dropped me back into the water, and I sank like a stone, unable to push myself up again.

What was what the dream telling me? What if Bridgette and her family don't like me? What if I am as disposable to them as I was the Cullens?

I don't know if I could survive that twice. I don't know if I can handle being dumped by another family.

What was my other option? I could see a human therapist every week, and come back home to Charlie at night and pretend my life isn't some sort of supernatural soap opera. But then I risked the safety of the Cullens, just as Bridgette said. Even if they left, even if their leaving has left me broken, scarred and more than a little angry at them, I can't blame them for moving on. It's not their fault I wasn't enough for him. I would never want to see them hurt.

Beyond that, I wanted to seek the answers that I thought I deserved. Before they left I didn't for a second believe that the Cullens owed me anything. If anything, I felt like I should pay them back if I could, for their hospitality and their giving. Now I feel that it wouldn't be too much to give me an explanation for their sudden departure. Then again, maybe my presence in their life was the price I paid. It was clear that they never expected me to reciprocate financially, but that perhaps my novelty as a human sufficed. When I ceased to be useful any longer, they left. Even so, a goodbye would have been nice.

That concept certainly made many facets of my relationship with them make more sense: I could see now why they made dinner for me all the time: watching me eat in their home and using their kitchen for the first time must have been fascinating; why they joked with me: they couldn't blush, and if there was anything I was good at it, was having my face turn bright red. I was clumsy – definitely not a vampire trait, but certainly entertaining for people who had super human agility and strength. As far as Edward's attraction toward me – I was mentally silent. I supposed that after spending decades reading everyone's mind, having one that was silent must have seemed curious enough to put up with me for a few months. And now I realized most of all that I didn't care about myself enough to see these things in the beginning, to recognize why they wanted me around.

I immediately felt striking pain when I realized that my role in the Cullens' lives was more complex than I thought, yet just as shallow as I had previously believed. The hole in my chest exploded, its flames licking at me like a fire on the brink of losing control. The most important people in my life since moving to Forks viewed me as nothing more than a circus ringside show. Conversely, my feelings for them had always been, and still were sincere. While the fire in my chest ate at me, I admitted that I still loved Edward with every drop of my being, and though I had clearly been mistaken about their motivations, memories of being with the Cullen family still felt more warm and comforting than any home I had ever known. I cared for them deeply, and I couldn't imagine that changing.

Hindsight being 20/20, I couldn't allow that to happen again. Before I got to know the intentions of Bridgette and Liza any further, I needed to be clear with them that I was not at the vampire world's disposal as a novelty, to be discarded at their earliest convenience.

After the pain in my chest died down enough, I documented the nightmare and my musings in my journal. Afterwards, I pulled my bony knees to my chest and sobbed into my pillow until exhaustion took over and I fell asleep.

* * *

><p><em>AN_

_The print in Bridgette's office is of the Painting "Hide-and-seek" by Pavel Tchelitchew_

_http:/www (dot) moma (dot) org/collection/object (dot) php?object_id=79501_

_"If I could melt your heart", is from Frozen, by Madonna (see chapter 4 reference)_

_The quote that Bella is asked to respond to in her journal is from "The Charge of the Goddess", originally by Doreen Valiente. I added the word "first" to that quote, simply because I think it sounds better and means more to me when it's phrased that way._

_A note on plot and characterizations:_

_I want you to know that the plot will speed up soon. Currently, Bella is working through some stuff that she needs to understand about herself before she can move forward. It's long, it's tedious, and it's necessary. Bella has just come out of a catatonic state. She is much more focused on the world she has made inside herself – to cope with what has happened – than she is with the world around her. As she starts to trust others, the outer world is going to become more obvious to her. Currently, the only thing she can see in herself is her lack of self-worth, and she believes that anything she attempts right now will result in pain, because she isn't valued by the people around her. She will need the patience of the people around her before she can see her value, but she will also need to be able to notice that they are being patient, and attentive, and loving. If you notice from the journal entry, she talked herself into a circle. She has also rationalized that the Cullens saw her novelty as 'payment' for the way they doted on her. This rationale make sense because it reinforces her belief that she is not worthy of their relationship, so she has reframed it to believe that she was an object of fascination rather than a friend/girlfriend. Though she's digging her self out of the hole she's been living in, she's not quite there yet._


	6. The Guilty Psychic

A/N: I know I said in the beginning that I would be mainly sticking to one voice, but Alice has been screaming at me to be heard. I love Alice. Also, as the story unfolds, it is becoming clear to me that it will be written from multiple perspectives, despite my original intent. I'll try not to bounce around too much, but the story as I see it will require a few different Points of View to be effective.

* * *

><p>~ Alice ~<p>

December 2005

When I awoke as a vampire, my world would have best been described as chaotic and terrifying. I was a being, but I didn't know what I was. I was a person, but I didn't know _who_ was, save the note slipped into my dress pocket that told me I was Alice. For a brief moment as I first leaped off the ground, I wasn't sure if "Alice" was a name, or the species to which I belonged. My only sense is that whatever happened to me was not normal, and that the world in which I existed was not run by people like me.

Mercifully, I was able to get a grasp on how the world worked through my visions. That was one thing I knew above all else: That when I made a choice and a scene flashed before my eyes, that I was being given a chance to experience the outcome of that choice before I allowed it to come to fruition. It didn't take long for me to realize that I couldn't go out in the sun or run too fast without getting revealed as "other", that the burn in my throat would be sated by blood, and that I had to be very careful with my strength, as everyday objects could easily fall prey to simple, well-intentioned actions on my part.

After figuring out the basics, my world fell into an order that kept me fed and hidden. Though I was safe, I was still lonely and yearning for something more. I don't think I would have lasted long before going off the deep end if it were not for my visions of Jasper. When I saw him in my mind's eye, my first reaction to him was curiosity, followed by protectiveness, attraction, longing, and then love. I trusted my visions. I trusted them because my knowledge of the future had kept me alive so far. If my visions were pointing me toward more, then who was I to pass it up?

Soon after, I envisioned the Cullen family and I knew that their lifestyle would be Jasper's salvation. Already feeling protective of him in his entirety, I realized that I needed to practice their animal-blood diet in order to fit in. After becoming well-versed in the ins and outs of dining on deer and bear, my sights became set on finding my mate.

In order to find Jasper, my predictions forced me to meander a bit too long for my liking. Having awoken from my change just south of St. Louis, I left Missouri and headed toward Memphis, and then Little Rock. As soon as I set foot in that place, the blasted future sent me packing again. I passed Cape Girardeau, and found my way into the Shawnee National Forest. After entering the forest I realized that my tour of three states before heading northeast was due to Jasper's own indecisiveness. I must say, at the time I was more than a little peeved at his cross –country antics. Couldn't he travel in a straight line? I wandered in that forest for a couple of weeks before the future sent me to Philadelphia.

What I learned from my little adventure is that life isn't always meant to take you in a straight line. Curve balls and detours are often necessary. I found out many years later when discussing this with Jasper, that Maria had had ordered a group of vampires to track him and end him when he was found. This is why he was initially bouncing from city to city. Jasper was continually changing his mind before he moved into the depths of the forest with the hope of weakening the tracking party before he took them out. As a master strategist, his plan was successful, though it took him eleven months before he killed them, and two years before he felt he was no longer being procured by the seemingly relentless Maria. After he was convinced he could safely move on, he left for Philadelphia. Yes, I waited for him in that city for almost three years. Despite what others might have to say about me, I can be very, very patient.

Not long after we mated we were living in Montana. We had just finished hunting, and I was looking over the mountain peaks, noting the curling paths of the deep ravines that etched the landscape. I then started telling Jasper the story of my visions, moving from one city to another before waiting him out in Philadelphia. I also revealed to him that though his road trip made me crazy, it helped me learn a lot about how I see the future. I often wondered however, why I didn't get a clear picture of where he had been all those years while I had waited. The only reason I stayed in Philly, I told Jasper, was that any other vision I caught of him was hazy, and they would often fade in and out before changing completely. Philadelphia was the only constant. Jasper then recounted the tale of Maria's trackers. As he explained to me how the leader tracker's gift worked, he slid his arm over my shoulders, and drew me into his chest. He told that after he escaped from Maria's coven he headed north, he realized he was being tracked by a group of formidable opponents. While waiting in the forest to kill off the tracking team, he lived day-to-day, moment-to-moment. The only firm decision he had made was that when he finished that madness, he would go to Philadelphia. He mainly kept this as a final goal, a destination so that he could maintain a modicum of sanity.

For a soldier and a commander, the fact that he was trembling through this story certainly caught me off guard. It was not until the end of Jasper's story that I knew why. As we were alone at the time, Jasper suddenly looked deep into my eyes and kissed me passionately, cupping my face between his large hands and moving his fingers through my hair. Slowly, he leaned back and shuddered, as he revealed to me the cause of his sudden emotional state. He was unnerved at the idea that I may have met up with him before he had finished off those trackers, and before he felt safe enough to move on. He reasoned that if I hadn't waited for him in Philadelphia, and had met him earlier or ventured into the forest to find him that he would have killed me before I had a chance to speak. He would have assumed I was a part of Maria's tracking group. At that time, he trusted no one. He was constantly living on the edge which left him feeling vulnerable and feral. To survive, he had adopted a 'kill first, ask questions later' attitude. Hearing his side of the story of course gave me pause to consider that everything happens as it does for a reason.

I was reminded of this story as it contrasts with Edward's current decisions, and the clarity and singularity of the direction in which he needs to go. Before Edward left us to hunt Victoria, it was clear that his deep longing was only worsening as the time went on. He mainly holed himself up in a bedroom, or took long runs without hunting. When we did manage to convince him to eat, he would consume as little as possible before running again, or returning to the Denali property to grieve alone. The best path for Edward and Bella was not a multi-state scavenger hunt, but a direct path back towards one another's arms.

After herding us all to Alaska, Edward left after two weeks in a haze of despair poorly masked by his determination to find Victoria. He made it his personal mission to hunt the red head down, as he not only saw her as a personal threat, but also the last unpredictable tie that Bella had to the vampire world. Although Bella had met Laurent, he had settled in as a companion for Irina, and seemed to be coping on our vegetarian diet. Irina was head over heels for him. I can't say I saw the same in Laurent, although he seemed to care for her, and it was plain to see that he was very enthusiastic about her…umm…attentions.

Everyone was mourning Bella's loss in our life. Although Carlisle enjoys taking on the role of the responsible adult/surrogate father, I could tell by his face that he was distressed in leaving Bella behind. He considered her a daughter, and no matter how hard tried to mask his emotions and block his thoughts, it was clear that having to choose between her and his son tore him in two. From what I understood, he finally acquiesced and agreed to move with Edward because Edward truly has no one else in the world, while Bella still has her parents to support her. I think if he could have, he would have put his foot down and forced Edward to think through this decision, and talk to Bella about the incident at the birthday party before he made any plans to leave. But after living with Edward for more than a half-century, I can attest to the fact that you cannot force him to do anything. Carlisle's face still seems fallen and weary, and I wonder how often he questions the difficult decision he had to make.

Esme was in a similar position, but approached her choice in a very different way. As much as she worked to soothe and support Edward, she didn't try very hard to hide her grief in leaving Bella behind. She continued to openly refer to Bella as her daughter, and sobbed at the drop of a hat when speaking of her. In the end, Esme acquiesced to Edward's demand that we all leave, simply because she couldn't let Edward go a second time. The first time he insisted on leaving this family, he broke from our diet to hunt and drink from criminals. We all know that decades later he still carried deep remorse for those years in which he lived away from Carlisle and Esme, and she still vividly recalled the longing and worry she felt for him on his own. She also harbored a certain amount of guilt, feeling that her relationship with Carlisle drove Edward away. It's not just that she couldn't lose another child, but rather, she wouldn't know how to manage if she lost Edward again. Despite her deepest wishes, Edward did leave us to chase after that red-headed demon of a vampire. Esme's pain more than doubled to what it was after leaving Bella. In both Edward and Bella's absences, her only grip on sanity beyond Carlisle was her anticipation for Edward's monthly phone call. After Edward's departure, Esme coped by becoming mostly absent herself; she was a shell of the woman I loved and knew as my mother.

Emmett, as usual, tried to be comic relief in the face of despair. He chose to cut his trip with Rosalie short to be with us, though they often took weekend trips to finish sightseeing and continue their privacy. He tried hard to joke and lighten up the mood of the family, and often reminded us that no matter what Bella is feeling at any given moment, she wouldn't want us to wallow in sadness on her behalf. In his own way, Emmett made it his mission to represent a living memorial of the position that Bella had claimed in our family. He insisted on behaving as though she were still part of us, though separated by distance. He would not speak of her influence in our lives in past-tense. Despite his valiant attempt at keeping a familial torch lit for Bella, his sadness and frustration would often show through, as he became easily angered at those who would, as Emmett described, "Refer to Bella like she's dead."

Rosalie for her part remained mostly silent on the issue. She never hid her feelings for Bella, though she remained quiet on her previously expressed disdain for "the human" that attracted Edward's attentions and affections. Despite what most people believe, Rose isn't as mean as she allows herself to come across, but I think that she doesn't give herself the chance to look as deeply into her own motivations as she ought. Truthfully, she would never have wished this level of grief to descend upon our family for any reason, though she stoically maintained her position that inviting Bella into our lives was a bad idea. Perhaps I was missing something, but it seemed my reasons for loving Bella as a family member are placed within a broader context than Rosalie was capable of accepting. I have been accused of acting out my human life through Bella on more than one occasion, but I think that Rose is equally, if not more so guilty of this act. Rosalie desperately wanted Bella to stay away from the vampire world, because that's what she would have chosen. She really wanted Edward to reject his feelings for Bella, just as he rejected Rose as a potential mate many moons ago. She also coveted my best friend's ability to create children – something that Bella had never expressed any desire to do. If anything, it was plain to me that Rose was more controlling of Bella's future than I was. Considering I actually saw the future, that said a lot.

From the first day that Edward arrived in Alaska, I had tried to talk reason into him. I talked to the point that my own voice was beginning to irritate me. But I had no other choice. I saw the future without Bella, and the glimpses I received of her over the next few months were terrifying.

I have been blamed for his sudden abandonment of our family. While everyone was making plans for our new home, I was still trying to get Edward to go back to Forks. Edward implored to me time and again that I stop looking for Bella's future, that it wasn't fair and that we needed to stay out of her life. In response to this demand, I was forced to continually remind my sweet brother that I don't always control what I see, and that it wasn't my fault if our stupid mistake was devastating her. Perhaps I begged him to return to her one too many times. He was supposed to leave with us for New York State, but left one night without knowing where he exactly he was headed.

I couldn't make plans. Every time I saw a decision that I made for the move to Ithaca, Bella's haggard, worn face would appear in front of me. In my mind, Future Bella's sunken cheeks were stretched over with ashen colored skin. Her lips were cracked, her hair dull and lifeless. The shirt she was wearing in my vision was dirt encrusted and looked like it was dressed on a coat hanger rather than a set of shoulders. Her pants hung loose and low on her hips, with a large rip in the knee. Her shoes had holes in the toes, and the laces were not tied, but rather broken at the ends. Her hands were raw, calloused and cracking. And above all this, she didn't seem to notice her disheveled appearance. Her face appeared to be gazing off into the distance, focused on something, anything but herself. I simply couldn't allow this vision to manifest.

About a week after we arrived in Denali, I found Edward sitting alone in the forest not far from an expansive lake. The landscape around us whispered of the oncoming winter, as wisps of snow pelted us from all sides in a strong wind. Edward was leaning against the trunk of a tall pine, his body crumpled and shaking on the ground.

I hadn't been around him for hours, so I knew that Edward was not reacting to one of my mental slip-ups. Steeling myself and blocking my mind, I cautiously approached him. With the carefulness that one might apply to a bird with a broken wing, I crouched before him and gently laid my hands over his.

"She's everything to me." He rasped.

"I know." My chest tightened, and venom sprung to my eyes, stinging and blurring my sight.

I saw that Edward would like to sit here, and think of good things about Bella. As much as I wanted to show him the image I had of her future, I was too afraid to upset him in that particular emotional state. I released in my mind all the reasons I was so taken with my best friend. I thought about the first time I saw her at our home and the light in Edward's eyes as he gazed upon her. I remembered her throwing away her bashful manners to smile at him uninhibited. I thought of the grace that she carried about her, despite her inclinations towards clumsiness. She always had a way that she held her body that exuded an unassuming pride. In her quiet way, she took up her place in the world without fear. She never cowered. Edward nodded when he saw this image I had of her.

One of the things I loved most about Bella Swan was that she defied all my expectations about what a teenage girl was supposed to be like. Rosalie has accused me of liking her because I got to live out my human teenage years through Bella. This couldn't be further from the truth. If I was a teenage girl, I can promise you my bedroom would have been littered with fashion magazines rather than Emily Brontë. – _Edward snorted here_ – stiletto heeled shoes instead of textbooks, bags of makeup and nail polish, hair products, and dreams of entering the fashion industry. The landscape of Bella's room was a different creature altogether, one riddled with dirty sneakers and disorganized CDs, trinkets and mementos from the friends and family she held dear, and notebooks filled with ideas for stories and poems that Bella would often jot down when inspiration struck.

Edward sighed, and almost smiled at that image.

No, Bella was not me in human form. She was a missing part of my soul in a very different way. She was the best friend that didn't silently and graciously accept my hair-brained schemes, but never tried to change me. For lack of a better cheesy cliché, she was the yin to my yang. Yes, she allowed me to experience humanity, but she also completed a part of me that I didn't know ever existed – a part of me that transcended the divide of humans and vampires. Though I knew that she and I were complete unto ourselves, within each others presence we were a wholly unique force that added something different and potent to our universe.

Edward's voice hitched, "I never knew."

"Knew what, brother?"

"I didn't know she affected you like that. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing for which to be sorry, there is another way than the path we are both walking."

"We would be her destruction. I can't have that. I can't let her die." I could tell that he was talking himself out of following my advice.

"Edward, she's human. She is destined for death regardless, whether 70 years from now or tomor-"

"Enough please. I know she will die, but now she has a chance at a full life of happiness."

"Edward, our family made her happy. _You _were the center of her world, and she loves you beyond reason. The life you are leaving her to lead is a half-life. She deserves better. She deserves you, as you deserve her." I ignored it when Edward huffed at me, "If you don't return soon, you may never see her again. She may be gone from this world."

"You don't know that. You don't remember your human life, and she knows nothing of existing as a vampire for eternity. She's a human, a girl. She may think she wants me now, wants eternity with me, but eventually…" Edward stopped and laid his head on his knees as his shoulders shook, "Anyway, it's not just her physical life I left to save."

"Edward, did Bella ever talk to you about her ideas of heaven, about happiness and eternity?" Edward shook his head minutely, "Beyond wanting to be changed, no." Hearing this, I began to relive a memory for him:

_It was a hot, overcast day in mid July. Bella and I had taken a trip to Port Angeles. It was one of the rare times that she humored me by shopping, although all of her shopping was of the window sort, and she asked that I not buy her anything. In the end, I mostly kept my promise and only bought her 2 pairs of jeans and 3 t-shirts. And a really good pair of sneakers. And some lingerie, but I digress. Around noon hour, Bella mentioned that she was feeling tired, so we decided sit at the docks to watch the boats and hopefully she could catch a cool breeze coming off the ocean. On our way back from the boardwalk, we passed an old brick church, with long stained-glass windows and a bell tower. We saw a woman walk inside._

"_I've never been religious Alice, but I'd like to go inside. It looks like it would be dark and cool in there."_

_We walked inside, and found that it was indeed dim and cool, possibly due to the lack of light. The interior was solely illuminated by the multicolored rays that poured through the stained-glass and the votive candles on a stand in the corner. Much of the church was paneled in a rich chestnut-colored wood that matched the pews and pulpit, and the scent of the lemon oil rubbed on them mingled delicately with the aroma of incense and the subtle undertone of beeswax in the air. The massive pipes from an organ lined the back wall of the church, and dwarfed the keyboards that sat on a second story loft. It seemed the organist would sit with his or her back toward the people while playing, facing the pipes. I found that to be an odd arrangement and I remember remarking on that to Bella._

_Having no human memories, I didn't remember going to church or having particular set of beliefs. I knew that Jasper was raised Christian, and we've had discussions about God and the afterlife, but my opinions were never so set that I could offer a compelling argument for or against any idea._

"_What do you think heaven's like?" Asked Bella as we quietly seated ourselves in the back pew._

"_Well, it's not something I have thought too much about. I don't have any memories that have influenced my ideas, and as a vampire, I haven't had the same worry about mortality and a limited lifespan. I understand that Christians think it's a lovely place that people who have lived a good life go to after they die. I can imagine that means there are lots of shops there, with very nice shoes."  
><em>

_Bella giggled, "There probably is in your Heaven Alice."_

"_Do you think we each get our own Heaven, Bella?"_

"_I think what each person sees in Heaven is different, depending on what they need to see to feel happy. My dad's heaven, for example, is probably a series of rivers full of fish. That's not what my Heaven looks like though."_

_That made me wonder, "What does your Heaven have in it?"_

"_In my Heaven, there is a place for all of you. A place where I can be with Edward for eternity. That probably sounds cheesy, but it's true. It's a place where I can feel like I have a real family for the rest of forever, and I can be myself and be not reduced to the product of a bad marriage. I know that my parents both loved me, but I never had a strong sense of "together". I would like a place in which I don't have to divide my time between family members, like I do with Renee and Charlie. I'd like a place where everyone can be together all at once. I don't think I really want much more than that."_

"_What if we're not allowed in Bella? Vampires aren't exactly on god's 'nice list'."_

_"Then I wouldn't be in my Heaven Alice, I would be someplace else. If this god we are referring to wouldn't let all of you in, then I can safely say that I'd rather not believe in him." Bella appeared thoughtful for a moment. "You know, now that I think about my style of Heaven, it sounds a lot like becoming a vampire." She smiled, then suddenly appeared sad and lowered her head to hide her eyes._

_An organist began to play above us, and the acoustics of the room projected and funneled the tones of the instrument so that they danced and intertwined in the air toward the front of the church. Bella walked to the votive candles, dropped some coins in the collection can, and lit a candle in the house of a god she may or may not believe in._

Edward offered a sad smile at the memory, and I could tell from his face that he was clinging to every image of Bella that was offered from my mind. Through this memory, I tried to impart upon him the concept that not everyone's idea of eternal reward is the same as his, and it seemed that Bella felt her soul belonged with us and nowhere else. I couldn't help but shake the feeling however, that so long as he was separate from her, his memories would only cause further despair and isolation, and so long as she was separated from our family, Bella would be denied her version of complete happiness. I mourned for both my brother and my best friend that night.

~O~

I really hadn't wanted to cause Edward any more pain. I wanted him to go back to Forks, to go back to Bella so that they could both be healthy and happy. Although I wasn't able to determine if showing Edward the vision of Future Bella would cause him to do that, I couldn't stop it from repeating in my head. As my family sat together with the Denali coven and made plans for the upcoming move, I decided to let my vision of Bella slip. I took Jasper's hand for comfort, and from across the room I showed Edward what our absence would do to Bella.

Staring out the window, Edward's back stiffened, his head shot up and a strangled moan escaped his mouth. He looked at me intensely and with an angry spark in his eye he shouted at me, "You think you know everything Alice! You think that going back to her will solve all our problems, you are wrong! Our presence only quickens her death!"

The room fell silent, and nine pairs of eyes bore into me. They knew he'd seen something in my mind, and they knew I had sent it to him intentionally.

"You know this is difficult for him, Alice. Don't you? It's heartbreaking for all of us, but please let's try getting along and working through this together." Esme implored. Ever on the verge of sobbing, I had never meant to hurt Esme, but my anger was so great I couldn't hold in my fury any longer.

"Difficult for him? Difficult for _him?_ She's my best friend! She's my best fucking friend and I left her in the middle of the goddamn night without so much as a phone call to say goodbye!" My voice has risen to a pitch I had never explored, "Our leaving is going to destroy her! She has no one! We were _everything_ to her and we left like she didn't exist, like she didn't matter. If you could take a look at the future Bella I see, you'd see someone else who finds this 'difficult', which, by the way, is a word that is grossly inadequate for the vision that I've had!"

"Alice," Carlisle stated sternly, "I know you are upset, but I am going to ask you to watch your language. We are guests in this home." He swiftly apologized to the Denali coven, and masked the heartbreak that momentarily ghosted across his face.

Guilt washed through me as I heard a sigh, followed by a crack as Edward slumped over and his forehead met the window. "I know this is hard for you Alice, as it is for Bella. No one, _no one_ feels the pain of her separation from us more than I do, I can assure you." Edward had to pause as his breath hitched and he choked back more emotion. "Bringing her into our world and risking her life, just to experience her love was the most selfish thing I have ever done. I am prepared to live with that pain, knowing that she has the chance at a long and happy life. I am sorry this is hurting you, but please stop looking for her future, and leave her be so she can move on." Edward ran his fingers through his hair, jumped to his feet and ran out the door.

Edward's pain radiated through me and quickly tempered my ire. But my belief in this future for Bella was so profound; try as I might, I couldn't help it that my mind kept replaying the vision of her looking as though she were at death's door.

After apologizing to my family for the outburst, I sought out Edward. I found him in one of the small cottages on the property, about 15 miles from the main house. Slumped in the corner of a dark room, he looked back at me with a flat empty gaze that broke me. My favorite brother was in ruins, and beyond giving him my knowledge, I didn't know what to do. I felt at a loss to comfort him. No longer alive with her presence, and no longer aloof and distant as he once lived before he knew her, his love for Bella had forever changed him. After just a few weeks without her, Edward looked more like a walking corpse than a vampire or a man.

"Edward, I never meant to hurt you with the things I thought and said. They were uncalled for, I'm sorry."

Edward's voice was barely above a whisper. "Please don't be sorry Alice, just try to understand me. I had to make the hardest choice in my life, and if I have to hurt everyday to make sure Bella is safe, I will do it." Edward paused. He was barely breathing and his hands trembled. "Imagine, if you had to choose between your own comfort and making sure was Jasper alive and safe, what would you do?"

That thought jarred me. I recalled the conversation on the mountain top in Montana. I thought of the three years I had spent waiting for Jasper in Philadelphia, sitting at the same diner, at the same hour of the evening, with my eyes trained on the door in case he walked through. If I had known he was in danger in the forest, that he was sitting there alone, laying in wait to defend his life, would I have waited in that diner, or would I have gone running to him hoping he would allow me to help him? Though I would never tell Jasper, I would have run to help protect him in an instant. Even knowing what I know now of the risk I would have been taking, I would have indeed placed myself at risk if it meant I could ensure his security and peace of mind.

Edward left the next day.

Although I would offer my life for Jasper's, I would never leave him and subject him to a life without my presence, unless he asked me to do so. Deep down, I knew that he could not fully give himself to another as he had me, and no other creature on earth could love him to the depths in which I have loved him. In my mind, he didn't deserve anything less than the greatest, most passionate, and most tender love in the world and I was certain that I was the keeper of that love. I couldn't accept that Edward's choice led Bella on a road to a better life. He saw his choice as a means of saving her physical life, yet he had not considered the emotional ramifications of making this choice for Bella, and he had not thought of the half-life she would lead without him by her side.

~O~

The vision of Bella has remained the same until two days ago. It was then that I was sitting in our new old home outside Ithaca flipping through some magazines. The rest of the family, save Edward, milled idly around the house carrying on with their various tasks. It so happened that I was looking through one of Esme's home design subscriptions, and I noticed a particular arrangement over a fireplace mantle that appealed to me. Being just shy of five feet tall, reaching the mantle of the massive fireplace in this home required that I stand on a chair, so I acquired one from the dining room and went about my mantle arranging business. I had placed a few items just so, and thought that I should move to the other side of the room to gauge the quality of my work. But I didn't make it that far, as I had was blasted with a series of three visions that shocked me so properly, that afterward I found myself on the floor surrounded by family, with Jasper kneeling at my side.

"You had a vision." Carlisle told me plainly.

This I knew.

"You fell off the chair." Emmett could hardly contain his laughter.

I did not. Vampires cannot fall of chairs.

"You owe me a new floor." Esme stifled a giggle.

If falling off a chair made Esme happy enough to almost giggle, I would do it all day for her. I missed the light her joy brought to our home. Now back to the matter at hand. It was simply not possible that I fell from a chair.

I shifted my weight and low and behold, there was a crack in the hardwood floor that was remarkably similar to the shape of my tiny derriere. As I gaped at the floorboards my family erupted in laughter, save Jasper, who had the presence of mind to focus on my vision. "Was it serious, what did you see? Will everyone be OK?"

Grateful that the damage to the floor had everyone momentarily happy and distracted, I lied. "No, everyone will be fine; it's nothing, just an ice storm that will be rolling in tomorrow afternoon. Drive careful, I see slippery roads."

After the fiasco in Denali, I was told in no uncertain terms that I was to stay out of Edward and Bella's future. My blowup in front of everyone was blamed for Edward's departure from Alaska, as well as the fact that he didn't show up in Ithaca as he promised he would. Though no one bothered to ask me, I knew that he had never really intended on moving along with us. My tantrum did little to change the fact that after he left Denali. I knew that Edward would head across the United States and Mexico, grieving for Bella by day and hunting Victoria by night.

So, when I had three successive visions of Bella in a row I had to make a quick and painful decision to keep them to myself. The visions were unbearable. The first vision depicted Bella in an office looking shattered and resigned to the world, in front of a female vampire that I didn't recognize. In a stroke of luck, I was able to ascertain the timing of the first vision. In the corner of the room in which Bella sat, I saw a desk calendar that displayed this Friday's date. Fortunately, I was also able to see that Bella would walk out of the office unharmed, driving in her truck with Chief Swan.

The last scene in my vision, was the frightening view of haggard, malnourished, dirty Bella. This time however, she was much more vivid, and she spoke. Bella now emerged from a musty, wet cavern, and displayed horrid scar marks along the insides of both her wrists. After scanning the room behind and above me, she looked me straight in the eye and seemed to mouth to me something that looked like, "kept me alive", before the vision faded to black.

With what little information I had, I could only presume her pronouncement of evading death – although just barely, as it seemed – referred to the middle vision, in which I saw myself taking out a safety deposit box in her name, and depositing several items along with a large amount of cash. I would have to study this vision carefully it seemed, to make sure I got everything right. I also know that I would not be doing this until summer, based on the clothing I wore in the vision

That meant for now, Bella was safe. But the vision of her with the female vampire still made me feel quite nervous, and if I am being honest, it also made me feel a little jealous.

My family had made it clear that we would no longer speak of interfering with Bella Swan's life. But it went without saying that I was frightened that my best friend was in a level of danger that Edward did not anticipate when he left her.

Later that evening, I tried to call Bella's cell phone, but it went straight to voicemail. In a panic, I decided to take a tiny illegal peek into her near future, and saw, thank heavens, that she would pick up the phone in a couple of hours. Already breaking the rules I should have stopped there. But, like the bad girl that I am, I gave into the temptation to phone again:

_"Mom? Did you lose your power cord again? I could send you a couple of extra you know, cheaper than all the money spent at a payphone…"_

Hearing her voice again caused my breath to hitch, and I almost didn't catch the strangled whimper that tried to escape my lips.

_"Mom?"_

Hesitantly and sadly, I hung up on my best friend. Though relief washed over me as I knew she was safe for now, I was also filled with deep sadness. I knew if I stayed on the phone a moment longer I wouldn't be able to resist talking to her and it would all go downhill from there. I knew that if I spoke with her, I'd be on the next plane for Washington, disappointing my family and abandoning Jasper. With a lump in my throat, I disconnected the call and stifled the sob that my family couldn't be allowed to hear.

I don't think I need to mention that I will be dipping into Bella's future a little more often now.

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><p>AN I now know why authors beg for reviews. They're like a drug. Indulge me :)


	7. A change in routine

_A/N Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. _

_OK…this chapter did not go at all as planned. Bella has way more to say than I thought she did. This Bella sure has does a lot of thinking. The chapter I thought I was going to write will come up next._

* * *

><p><em>~Bella~<em>

End of February, 2006

As I drove toward La Push to meet up Jacob, the rain pounded my truck with sheets of water so thick my windshield wipers struggled to keep up. At some points I slowed down to 15 miles an hour and narrowed my eyes into a line so tight, I could almost see between the layers of water if it weren't for the thick curtain of eyelashes that threatened to blind me.

I had been going to see Bridgette for almost 3 months now. To my delight, Liza usually popped in 10 or 15 minutes before the appointment finished to hello, or tell me some crazy story that happened during her shift at the hospital, or bring me food. She sure did have a way of attracting strange people she and never ceased to delight in relaying her tales in a dramatic fashion. In addition to getting to know my Aunts better, they also told me that they lived with a third vampire, Alex. He was also a vegetarian. They said they saw him as a brother, although any conversation about him brought about a sad expression on their faces so I tried not to mention him. From what I gathered he was kind and gentle, and spent a lot of time in the wilderness or traveling on his own, checking in with Bridgette and Liza every few weeks.

I wouldn't say that meeting and disclosing everything to Bridgette has made me an overnight success in the sanity department, but I can't deny it's helped either. My whole being still longed for Edward on a level I didn't think was possible. I still found myself procrastinating at bedtime, afraid to finally sleep, feeling his absence where he once lay beside me, fearful of my dreams of him that haunted me almost every night. For some reason my nightmares had taken a different turn, where it seemed he not only rejected me, but managed to bar Bridgette and Liza from my life. I had also begun to have increasingly erotic nightmares, where my mind carried out all the fantasies that I was too stubborn to dwell upon while awake. In each of those, Edward would start to seduce me, only to pull back and tell me that I was not good for him and leave me broken and aroused.

Upon Bridgette's suggestion and guidance, I started learning meditation. If anything, it helped me with my moments of panic in that I was better able to control my racing heart and erratic breathing. Sitting on my bedroom floor, I would spend a portion of the evening before bed allowing my mind to relax, acknowledging negative thoughts, gently pushing them aside, and letting them flow out and away without fighting them. Bridgette – and Liza – taught me that the bad thoughts were not my enemy, they were reactions and I could choose to accept or decline them depending on how helpful they were. With meditation, I also began to have a better sense of tension rising in my body, and found that this trickled down nicely into the rest of my life. I was now able to abate some of my blush in embarrassing situations, and I could almost control my breathing when I became anxious. Sometimes.

In Mid-January, Charlie mentioned to me that since I was looking a bit better, I might want to go out and do something other than school or therapy. To say I was reluctant would be an understatement to the point of almost being inaccurate. Continuing to go to school was bad enough. I still sat alone at the Cullen's lunch table, and I still mentally acknowledged every scene that reminded me of Edward. Going to the gymnasium was even more excruciating than before, if that's possible, as every time I emerged I would remember him leaning on the wall, smirking at me. The list goes on: the cafeteria line up, the parking lot…Biology. After two days in Senior Biology I snapped, and ran home to have a meltdown in the privacy of my own home.

Consequently, Bridgette and I began working on coping with the reminders in my life without completely dissociating myself from reality. She also started helping me re-envision the numb icy lake I created for myself as a safe place to escape, rather than a place of isolation in which I had no control. She taught me that it was a place I created to manage what I had experienced, and therefore I could do with it what I liked. Although not perfect, after a few weeks I noticed myself having more control over that mental image, and using it to my advantage. Due to my increasing ability to feel safe without feeling cut off from the world, I also began to notice things from past months that had never occurred to me before.

For one, I began to notice that Charlie looked terrible. One day after he came home from work, I noticed he had deep purple bags under his eyes. After a thorough interrogation, I concluded that he had slept normally, his day was uneventful, and he wasn't feeling ill. He didn't even have a headache. After supper, I decided to open up the envelope of film I had developed the other day which contained photos from Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve.

Charlie looked the same in those photos.

I looked substantially worse.

Bridgette helped me in being very kind to myself when I came to the realization that my family had been through hell because of me. I began to understand that I was undergoing unusual circumstances that didn't happen during most breakups. I also learned a lot of information that Edward had withheld from me, such as the mating process among vampires:

"_Bella, did anyone ever tell you about vampire mates?"_

"_Umm…I think Alice called Jasper her mate once, but she didn't really explain it, and at the time, I didn't think to ask. I assume it's like two vampires dating, or married?"_

"_Yes…and no." Bridgette explained, "When vampires mate Bella, they develop an extremely strong connection with one another, one that's irreversible. They are permanently changed. No one really knows how the connection takes place, although some people believe that the mating process is permanent because vampire personalities are, in a way, frozen in time. If something, or someone, is able to change the emotional attachment that a vampire has, it becomes a fixed part of who they are. Have you ever considered that you and Edward were mated, in that sense I mean?"_

"_But a mate wouldn't leave another would they, if it were permanent?" I rebutted._

"_I don't know. I don't think anyone has a lot of information about human-vampire mates. I only know that it's permanent, and that there is an overwhelming urge for a vampire to protect his mate at all cost, even if the cost were his or her own death or discomfort. Think about this if you will, and write about it in your journal."_

_I couldn't imagine that I was Edward's mate. For one, we failed on the first indicator of mating – Edward didn't love me. When he found his mate, he would love her permanently. I stifled a sad moan at this idea, and tried to swallow the lump forming in my throat and ease the ache in my chest._

_Sensing my anxiety, Bridgette continued, "I didn't mean to upset you Bella. I just want you to know as much as possible about our world, and you have and will be influenced by things that happen to our kind. I want you to consider the idea that falling in love with a vampire would cause a stronger set of emotions to appear than if you fell in love with a human boy. I don't want you to beat yourself up about something for which you were not prepared. I think when he left, you coped the best way you knew how, and the adults in your family did the best they could to help you. It's not necessary to carry so much blame for what happened to you and how you've reacted."_

I processed all that info, and I tried to make life easier on my dad, which helped me to squash and all visions of Edward out in the world finding his true mate. I started being more conscious of when and what I cooked at home, I tried to do laundry more often, and I even dusted several times a week. Charlie took these all as signs that I was getting better and ready to move on. He was half right. While I was becoming more engaged with the world, my newfound awareness made the pain I felt in Edward's absence more potent than before.

Still, I plodded on with my vow to make Charlie's life easier, so I agreed to his suggestion that I visit Jacob Black on the second Saturday in January. I didn't know how to feel about this. I barely knew Jacob, although we had grown up together, we had grown apart during adolescence, and the idea of being around him felt awkward. I also felt like I should know him and I didn't. He had been to our house several times over the winter. I of course, was present in body only as I had tucked my psyche away in a safe place where I couldn't touch or acknowledge anyone. I also felt like my dad was setting me up on a date. But if I could lessen Charlie's burden and relieve him of some of the stress he wore on his face, I would do this. I would hang out with Jacob Black.

A few days after giving in to Charlie's badgering, I arrived at the little red house in La Push and knocked on the front door. Billy was there, and he directed me to a run down shed where Jacob was working on a car. I trudged my way down a narrow path that had been beaten down and made slippery with slush and mud – a deadly combination for Bella Swan. I carefully tip-toed my way toward the entrance of the garage. As I inched closer, Jacob looked up and gave me a broad smile, his white teeth shining against the warm brown of his skin. His eyes twinkled when he saw me, he lifted a large hand to wave me in and he stood up to his full height – holy cow he was huge! Was he that tall at Christmas? It was all a blur to me. He must be lifting weights or something. The boy who was one year my junior towered over me by more than a foot. Even from a distance of 5 or 6 feet away I felt like I had to crane my neck to look up to him – Which is how I fell flat on my ass.

"Bella, are you OK?" Jacob ran over, squatting beside me.

"Yeah, Jacob I'm fine. I fall all the time, it's no big deal."

"You're all wet. We still have some of Rebecca's old clothes. You could go back to the house –"

"No, I am sure I'll fall again. Really, I'll be fine." Then I shivered.

"You'll get sick like that. Listen, I'll go run and get them, you can change here." Jacob loped off before I could protest.

He returned quickly with an old pair of sweat pants and a sweater and left the garage while I hunkered down behind his car to change. Rebecca was taller than me, so the pants bunched at my ankles and I had to roll the up the sweater sleeves. I felt more ridiculous than when I arrived, but Jacob didn't say anything or seem to notice my odd appearance. Instead, he busied himself by pulling up a stool for me and turning on a space heater. He was dressed in just a t-shirt, a noticeably tight t-shirt, and a pair of jeans. I couldn't get over the size of his biceps, or how his six-pack abs were visible through his shirt.

"Aren't you cold in here Jacob?"

"Nah, I think I've developed a tolerance. With no cable TV and no running car, there's little else to do around here than tinker in my garage. Hey, I got the master cylinder by the way."

"The what?"

"The master cylinder…remember, the part…oh, you probably don't remember when I saw you at prom…I told you about that part –"

"Oh no, yeah your car, I remember now…" I lied. I remembered him seeing him at prom, but not much of what he said beyond wanting me to break up with Edward. Thinking back, it was hard to reconcile that the baby-faced boy who crashed my prom less than a year ago was the same person as this hulking man in front of me. "I just didn't remember anything about car parts, sorry." I looked at him sheepishly. Turned out I couldn't lie after all.

Jacob seemed to visibly relax. "That's alright. Anyhow it won't be long until my car's up and running. I'm almost done for the day, too bad my father had you trek all the way back here in the cold."

"That's OK; it's kind of cozy in here." That was the truth. Between the space heater, Jacob's smile and his easygoing personality, I was starting to relax.

"So…" Started Jacob

"So…" I continued. We both chuckled, and I decided to finish the statement. "My dad thought you could use someone to hang out with…got any movies?"

"Sure, I mean, I don't have any girly movies though." Jacob glanced at me apologetically as he put some tools away.

"That's perfect; I'm not really into chick flicks these days anyhow." I wouldn't want to have a total breakdown while watching a romantic comedy at some boy's house.

"I mostly have some classics – Rocky, Mad Max, Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 and 6 –"

"Star Wars, Let's start with episode 4." I knew those movies well enough to be able to look past the whole Princess Leah love thing and focus on other parts of the plot. "My dad has always been a fan. When I visited in the summer he always did a –

" – Star Wars Marathon" We both said together, and laughed. "Hey, that's right you were there. I didn't forget I just…" I started blushing furiously.

"I know what you mean; you were just totally focused on the memory of the movies. Besides, I know I'm unforgettable." Jacob's broad smile became impossibly larger. I couldn't help but smile back.

With a hand on my arm, we made it back to the house, and Jacob threw my clothes in the wash. By the time the movie was done, I was able to go home with a set of clean clothes and a budding friendship.

So Saturday movie marathons became a weekly routine for Jacob and me. We had decided to aim for classics with sequels. As the weeks went by, we marathoned our way through Star Wars, Rocky, the Godfather and Die Hard. At the end of the evening I often woke up on the Black's living room couch with a giant Jacob sprawled out on the floor, drooling on a pillow and twisted into a blanket. Eventually I became comfortable enough that when I woke up from my slumber, I was able to stumble into their kitchen and help myself to a cup of instant coffee before driving home.

By the middle of February, our "date" was so routine I didn't bother phoning up. I'd roll up in my truck, and as I stepped out I would see Jacob through the kitchen window starting the popcorn maker. It easily became a part of my weekly habits. I was grateful that Jacob never questioned why a teenage girl was requesting movies that tended to focus on blood, gore and fighting. I still wasn't ready for romance movies.

Last week was different, and I was nervous. I hadn't really being doing very well with different up to that point. Since emerging from my dissociation with life, I found it easiest to cope with my increased awareness of the world by limiting myself to predictable routines. Two s ago Jacob told me that his sister Rebecca was visiting for the weekend. She had planned a potluck on Saturday and invited me to join them. I hesitantly accepted. I vaguely remembered Rebecca from childhood, but as she was a few years older than Jake and I, she always ended up falling into an older crowd of kids. While wasn't sure if I could handle having such a big change to my routine, I knew I couldn't attend our matinee marathon and decline the potluck. Plus, Charlie was all for the idea, as he saw it as me finally coming out of my shell and reaching out to people my age. In the end, I decided that attending the party was less painful than missing out on the movies. So with my macaroni salad bouncing on the seat beside me, I pushed my truck onward to the reservation.

When I arrived at the Black's home, I could see Jacob through the kitchen window, and a girl with straight dark hair beside him. Change. Something different. I felt my stomach twist at the idea that plans had changed yet again. Although I knew the potluck was happening, it didn't occur to me that anyone but Jacob would be at home when I arrived. Usually it was just Jake and I who watched movies, and with him I was able to let go a little bit and be myself. I tried to calm down by reminding myself that it was only Rebecca with him. It was her house, too.

Gathering up the courage to face change, I squared my shoulders and headed as fast as I dared through the cold rain to the door. Only stumbling twice, I considered my race against the weather a raging success.

As I entered the doorway, the rush of warm dry air was a welcomed reprieve from the cold wet that was starting to seep through my clothes onto my skin. Although I was only outside for a few seconds, my hair and clothes dripped rain in the entrance of house.

"Holy moses Swan, look at you!" As I took off my soaked jacket, Rebecca sauntered up to me and eyed me up and down. "I haven't seen you since you were what, 13, 14? You sure have grown up!"

I thought back to myself at 13, and realized that I probably did look quite different. As a late bloomer, I didn't even need a bra until two years after that. At thirteen I was skinny, bony and angular; I lacked muscle and curves in all the important places. At least now I had somewhat of a bust line, and my legs and backside had enough definition that I didn't look as straight as a ruler.

"Hey Rebecca, you look great." She really did. With straight glossy black hair that hung down her back past her shoulders, her wide cheekbones were nicely balanced with large, curious eyes. Her full lips were a dark pink, and her smile was broad and welcoming, much like Jacob's. Her body had filled out nicer than mine, with fuller breasts, and wider hips set with a narrow waistline. While I tried to hide the fact that I was also giving her a once over I remembered that she also once looked bony and awkward in her early adolescence.

Rebecca was still eyeing me with a smirk; "I can see why Jacob likes hanging out with you so much," Jake elbowed her in the gut and stared at the ground. Though she was wincing, she managed to squeak out, "You must have a whole line up of guys after you." I tried to hide the grimace, as the pain scorched through me again. The one guy I wanted in that non-existent lineup had dropped out months ago.

"Easy on her Rebecca, her guy, well, he kinda…"

I glared at Jacob; he had just pushed me into a conversation where I had to say something about Edward. I decided it best to just explain it to Rebecca in case someone mentioned it at her party. "Thanks Jake." He shrugged apologetically. "I was dating someone Rebecca, but he and his family had to move. You could say that it's been hard to get past that." Understatement of the century.

"Hey no worries…anyone I knew?" Oh lord. I cringed, thinking of the reputation that the Cullens had at La Push. But still, I couldn't think of how to get out of this question.

"Probably not…you probably never met the Cullens?" I answered in a question.

"Oh sure, sure, I remember hearing of them. The old timey stick-in-the-muds around here have something against them, don't they? I heard they wouldn't even go to the hospital 'cuz one of the docs there was a Cullen. Bunch of crotchety old –"

"Hey, careful what you say now, you don't have the whole story." I nearly jumped from my skin when a guy – a man – who was as tall as Jacob emerged from the back of the house. I hadn't even heard him, until his booming voice echoed down the tiny hallway. He came out from the shadows and the look on his face almost made me pee my pants.

With his hair shorn down to a rough looking brush cut, he eyed me with a sneer that sent chill down my spine. I had never met this guy, and yet he looked at me with disgust. There was never a time more than this that I wanted to jump into the pouring rain, just so I could run back to my truck, take off and hide at home.

"You were dating that Cullen kid, weren't you?" he leered at me. I didn't want to talk about this. I glanced at Jacob hoping he could help me, but he just stared on with a look of shock and disgust.

After an awkward silence I realized he was waiting for an answer, "Uh, yeah. Edward Cullen."

"Let me tell you something," He barked "You should consider yourself better off without that no good stinking yellow-eyed lee…" He caught himself before he presumably bellowed out something derogatory

"Enough Paul, you're being mean," Jacob started.

"I'm not being mean, I'm being helpful. I bet she knew better than to hang around that family. Hell, she should even be allowed on the res-"

"Paul!" Rebecca interrupted, "Stop it. You're not being helpful; you are being rude and demeaning. Either be polite to _my _guest, or get out."

Paul quickly shut up, though he seemed to keep an eye on me. For a man so big, it was odd to see him all but cower in front of a girl who was only a few inches taller than me. Odd.

I set my salad for the potluck on the kitchen counter and then quickly headed toward the living room with Jacob. "Who's that guy? I asked quietly after he was out of earshot. Embarrassingly, my voice was shaky. I was scared of this Paul guy, and I didn't scare easily.

"I'm really sorry about that Bella, I didn't even know he was here, I just got in. That's Paul. He's one of Sam Uley's friends. He's was irritating before, but I just can't stand him now. Rebecca's back in town for all of 4 hours, he sees her once and professes his love to her. I think Rebecca's all weirded out about it too, but she's letting him hang around. I've always known her to be a patient person, but it's just too weird the way he's been acting, and the way that she seems to be accepting his presence. I asked her about it all, and she didn't say much. Just said she feels bad for him and doesn't mind him hanging out here. Strange.

"Who's Sam?" I had never been interested in the groups that hung around La Push, though I did vaguely remember that name. I recall it from the night I was lost in the woods, the night Edward…Anyway...talking about other people seemed to keep me from thinking about the Cullens, about being confronted and nearly having to defend them to this Paul.

"Sam is the royal dickhead of La Push, that's who Sam is." Jacob retorted back without an ounce of remorse in his voice. "The guy was dating Leah Clearwater for more than a year, and then up and dumped her one day _for her cousin. _Leah is devastated. He's been walking around this place like he owns every goddamn square inch of it with his little gang in tow. On top of it all, the elders all love him. I even heard one of them calling him a 'godsend'. Whatever. Rebecca has it right when she calls them all foolish old codgers." For the first time, the happy Jacob I knew was gone, and was replaced by a bitter, angry Jacob that obviously had a negative opinion of this Sam character. I couldn't blame him, and I couldn't think of what to say in response to his rant. So I decided to change the subject.

"So what's on the agenda? Movies first, then potluck?" Jacob's darkened eyes brightened immediately.

"Definitely movie first, the potluck could go all night. We don't have as much time though, so it'll be just one movie today."

"I guess we'll just have to make do." I pouted as long as I could, before Jacob's snicker forced a smile onto my face.

After the popcorn was made, Jake and watched our movie. Not long after it finished, guests started filing into the tiny house. Luckily the rain had abated to a drizzle, so guests spilled onto the back porch. I saw a few people I recognized, but mostly new faces. I tried to avoid those. I wasn't interested in being introduced as 'that girl that was dumped by the Cullen boy'.

As I was milling about aimlessly, my dad came in. As much as I didn't want to talk to strangers, I really didn't want to spend the evening sitting with my dad while he debated fishing stories and baseball statistics, so I wandered out to the porch hoping to get some fresh air.

Being mentally absent for a few months had taken its toll on me. After my self-imposed seclusion, the reality of who I was and what had happened was often overwhelming. It felt perceptibly worse in situations in which I subjected my tender state to throngs of people who had no idea what I was feeling. I felt the familiar pull that my brain gave when I was tempted to mentally check out. Though I have never been addicted to a substance, I was beginning to wonder if I was addicted to my own brain. I was working on controlling the safe numb place in my mind, but at times like this it tempted me of its own accord, calling me like a siren to block out my discomfort and return to floating in a psychological sea of nothing. It felt what I thought a powerful drug might do to my awareness of my surroundings. At that moment I yearned for nothing more than to reject lucidity and fall into a state where time and space were meaningless. That's when Rebecca gently grabbed my arm and pulled me from my dangerous musings.

"I wanted to apologize about earlier, about Paul."

"Don't worry about it; you can't control what other people say." I mumbled.

"I know, but he said it to you in our home. I want you to know that I don't agree with what he said. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I promise I can listen without throwing insults around." She smiled gently at me.

"Thanks, I guess I am just taking this break up harder than most." I replied numbly. I didn't want to expose myself here, but at the same time, I just wanted a friend who would listen. Rebecca had never met Edward, and didn't seem to share the opinion that the rest of La Push had about the Cullens, so she seemed like the most likely person to be able to talk to with the least bias. It's not that I didn't value Bridgette and Liza, but I knew it would feel different to be able to talk to someone as friend, like girl talk.

"It's OK, you know, to feel so strongly. He was your first love, wasn't he? Everyone has to go through it." Yeah, everyone goes through months of catatonia and dissociation when they get dumped the first time, I thought.

"I had it bad for him," I admitted. I knew I was going to cry but suddenly didn't care. There was finally someone who would talk to me like I was a regular teenager, and it felt liberating. I felt a few tears run down my face as I started blabbering uncontrollably, "He told me he loved me. He told it to me _a lot_. He told me he would always be there, and every day he acted like he cared – really, really cared about me, every aspect of my life. Even things that I don't think most boys care about, you know? He was interested in what college I wanted to go to, and what I aspired to do after school. Whether my truck was tuned up, the oil changed, the tires properly inflated." I added the last part with a laugh pushed out through my sadness, "And then he up and leaves. He tells me his family is moving to L.A., and that he didn't care for me enough to be in a long-distance relationship. He didn't want me moving with him." My voice broke, and had to wait to continue. "You know, I think I could've handled it if I wasn't allowed to move with him, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea. He said I wasn't good for him. The first guy that ever likes me, and I'm not good enough." I ran my face over my hands before looking up to see who had witnessed my break down. Fortunately everyone was too wrapped up in their own conversations, and without realizing it I had been led by Rebecca to a secluded corner of the porch for more privacy.

"Men are dogs," Rebecca reasoned, and then laughed a little. "You can't base your self-worth on whether some guy has accepted you. _You _have to accept you, everyone else comes after that. Bella, I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you are one beautiful little woman. I know a whole dorm full of guys who drool after girls like you" I scoffed at the last part of her statement, but she continued, "I'm serious, and it's not just because of your looks, though you are really pretty. There's something about you that allows your beauty to shine from the inside. I don't know you well enough to say what it is, but I can see it." Rebecca's voice had dropped to a tender low tone, and she tilted her head to one side. I smiled at her compliment, but I could tell she wasn't convinced that I believed her. "And by the way, _no one_ deserves to be lied to like that. It's one thing if he fell out of love with you, or wanted to end it with you, but he should have been honest when those feeling started. It's rotten for any guy to treat you so well and then turn around and say you aren't any good. He shouldn't have dropped it on you like that. As I said, men are dogs". She crouched down to look at my face, and carefully swept a lock of hair from my eyes

Rebecca paused, then stood up to her full height with an idea lighting her face, "Let me prove it to you." She declared. I looked at her quizzically as I watched the metaphorical wheels turn about in her head. "Let me prove that you are a catch, and that you are good enough – probably too good – for any guy. My sorority is having a party next Saturday, I want you to come."

Party? Sorority? College? I could barely handle a potluck. "I don't know Rebecca, you're in Seattle, and that's way too far and where would I sleep and –"

" – And you can bring Jake. I know you trust him, I can see it. Besides, he just got his car running a couple of days ago, and I think it's safe enough to get you there. I know that you are both in high school, but you look old enough to be a freshman, and hell, Jake looks like he's in his 20s what with how he's bulked up. My roommate graduated last term and no one has taken the empty bed in my dorm room, so you can sleep there. It's a co-ed dorm, so Jake can sleep on the floor. Don't worry about a thing, you'll have a blast."

I wanted to argue, but I felt like the decision had been made for me. I could think of a million reasons _not_ to go, but none of them were things I wanted to tell her. I liked talking to Rebecca. I wanted her to like me, not think I was a freak. There was only one thing that could get me out of this:

"It sounds like fun, but I don't think your boyfriend Paul –"

"Boyfriend?" Rebecca laughed, "Hardly. I can't say I don't like Paul, but let's say there are some kinks to work out before he earns the title of being Rebecca Black's 'boyfriend'. Even if I did feel about him that way, I'm not pursuing anything until I graduate. That boy's gonna have to wait at least until May before he even gets a date with me." She smiled so smugly at that idea. She must have been way more confident than I could ever be, as she seemed convinced that Paul would wait for her. Rebecca added quietly, "Don't worry. So long as you don't tell anyone in La Push about this party, Paul won't be there. Just keep it hush hush, OK?"

I agreed to keep it a secret, and in the end I told Rebecca I'd get back to her during the week about going to Seattle. If I found a potluck so hard, I couldn't imagine going to a college party and being expected to act like a normal girl. I was hardly a normal girl on a good day.

After enduring the emotional upheaval of attending a potluck, I welcomed the mundane solitude of my life with open arms. On Sunday I finished all the cleaning chores in the house, and I attacked the rest of my homework with fervor. I was done so quickly I decided to answer some emails from my mom, and then I started reading ahead in English as I had completed the novel we were currently studying.

My newfound energy for all things domestic continued throughout the week. By Tuesday night I had organized every closet in the house, and had also separated a bunch of Charlie's stuff and mine to be donated to charity. I had dusted my way throughout the home, cleaned the fridge and the oven and had also made doubles of all the meals I prepared, to be frozen for later use. When the freezer had been filled, I noticed my grandmother's old box of recipe cards, so I decided to organize those as well.

It wasn't until I was in the attic on Wednesday straightening out our supply of Christmas decorations, that I realized I was avoiding something. I also realized that I knew what I was avoiding, and I was hoping if I didn't think it, then it wouldn't be true. Unfortunately, that wasn't working, as my thoughts still nagged me, no matter how hard I tried to push them away. Not wanting to leave a task unfinished, I cleaned the attic. It was close to midnight when I had prepared for bed that I finally gathered enough courage to sit down in front of my journal.

_February 15__th__, 2006. _

_I'm really, really angry._

_I'm really, really angry with Edward Cullen, because he lied to me. For months, he led me to believe that he loved me, and then he 'unloved me' in less than a week. I still don't know when he stopped loving me, if he ever started, but I know that at some point there must have been some dishonesty going on. I know things changed after my birthday. Perhaps that was the catalyst, the straw that broke the camel's back if you will. But I also know that just before that fateful day, Edward emphatically expressed love for me, often. He must be an excellent liar, because even in my memories of him, I recall seeing love in his eyes. I'm really angry that his dishonesty cost me so much of my life and my well-being. I am not angry that he never pretended to want to change me. If anything, this is only proof that he never felt for me to the depth that I did for him._

_I'm really angry at Edward's family. I am angry that they made me feel so loved, and wanted and a part of them, and then they left like I hadn't existed._

_I'm not angry at Jasper for trying to drink from me. I can't be mad at him for acting upon his instincts. I still have many days in which I think they should have just let him kill me and gotten it over with. Death would have been less painful than the last 5 months._

_I am not angry at Rosalie. Even if she was rude about it, she never pretended to care about me._

_I think most of all, I'm angry at myself. I am angry for letting myself wallow and mourn for people who probably haven't thought about me since their departure many months ago. I'm angry at myself for being so wrapped in my own fruitless grief that Charlie and Renee suffered, spent countless hours offering me help that I adamantly refused, and stood by me at a time when I deserved their love the least. I am angry that I spent so long trapped inside myself, when all this time I had a true friend in Jacob. If not for him, I would also say that I am angry at myself for making the stupid mistake to stay in Forks, mistakenly believing that Edward would return and still love me. That is clearly not the case._

_I'm angry at genetics for the short end of the stick, even though I know I can't blame something that's random._

_I would say I'm angry at god for all this, but I stopped believing in a benevolent god a long time ago. If there is a god running this world, he spiteful, and hurtful and mean, and I can't be angry at him for ruling with his true nature._

_I'm angry at romantic movies because it always works out in the end._

_I'm angry at that Paul guy I met. Just because._

_I'm not angry at Rebecca, even though she's right that all men are dogs. I still don't believe her that any and all guys would want me. I'm grateful that she made me realize that the Edward's lies to me were wrong._

_I'm really angry that I can't stop thinking about Edward no matter how hard I try, and when I think about him I still can't stop thinking about how much he means to me._

_Most of all, I'm angry at myself for falling short of what I wanted to be to Edward. Because, goddammit, even if he stood here, and I could find a way to hurt him like he hurt me, I wouldn't do it. Though I wasn't enough for him_, _I still love the bastard and I don't know how to stop._

_So, now that I know I'm angry, I don't know what to do about it._

Tearful, I placed the journal on my desk and laid down to rest. Staring at the ceiling, my mind buzzed with emotions: With the anger that just spurred my journal entry; love for someone who was gone from my life and a deep longing to be desired, to have someone who wanted me in every way and who I wanted in every way.

Sadness spilled over onto my cheeks and rolled down my neck and shoulders, and I my body shook until it was claimed by a dream:

_It was the end of August, and Edward and I visited the Fall Fair. Arriving just after dusk, we laced our fingers together, and he eagerly led me through the entrance wearing a smile that would rival most children. As we took in the sights and sounds of the midway, I could feel Edward watching me, and I grew a little self-conscious._

_"What?" I finally asked him._

_"I just love seeing your reactions," He murmured, "Your happiness makes me happy."_

_I blushed the thought of that and continued on, letting Edward be happy. I couldn't help but feel excited as the background was filled with the squeals and screams of people braving the tilt-a-whirl and other rides, the lights from the game stalls and the smells of food being sold in trucks._

_As we entered one of the passenger cars on the Ferris wheel, it occurred to me that the internal thoughts from all the people in addition to noise of the fair might be too hard on Edward's brain._

_"Are you OK Edward, with the noise? There must be a million thoughts being thrown around here."_

_He brushed my cheek with the back of his hand, "I'm fine, love. Just like the external voices, mental voices in this place have a way of blending in with the background chaos." He gave me a curious smile, "and thank you."_

_"You're welcome, but I'm not sure what you are thanking me for."_

_Edward sighed thoughtfully, "For being you. For thinking of me. Rarely does anyone ask if the noise in my head is bothering me. Unless I expressed discomfort, they assume that I am OK."_

_"I love you," I stated simply, " and I love to take care of you."_

_Edward gazed into my eyed intently, "It's more than I deserve, but I'll take it. I'm selfish that way. I love you too, Isabella Swan. I can't imagine not loving you: Madly, fully, unabashedly, reverently." He gave me a soft kiss that seemed to hold promises of something more._

_As we ascended in the Ferris wheel, an intimate bubble surrounded us that felt electrically charged with desire. At the top of the ride we stopped, and we were alone as we could be while in public. Edward slowly put his arm around me, and looked longingly at me before ghosting his fingers under my jaw. He tilted my chin up with his left hand and ever so gently placed his lips over mine, moving in the way that sent sparks down my belly and incited a delicious ache between my legs. He then took it a step further, and did something he had never before allowed. With his thumb, he carefully pulled down my lower lip and allowed his tongue to graze the entrance of my mouth. I opened my kiss to allow him in and he tentatively explored with his tongue. I whimpered at the taste of his mouth in my own. Though I was never one for dancing, It felt like our mouths and lips and tongues were moving in some sort of erotic rhythm. I could dance like this every day for the rest of my life. My skin began to flush, and as Edward briefly broke away I could hear him panting as heavily as I was._

_I decided I must have done something right, because I was by taken surprise as Edward again pushed our boundaries further. Our lips met once more, and as I slid my hands up Edward's chest, he shuddered, snaked his left arm under mine and grasped my shoulder from behind. Ever so slowly, he moved his hand down and across the side of my breast. I couldn't help but whimper as I then felt him graze my hardened nipple. A low growl rumbled through his chest. Moving in slowly, his hand memorized the tip, the swell, and the underside of my breast. The din from the noise of the fair below us became muted by the soft moans and breathy sighs that escaped our lips. My lower belly tightened and I yearned for friction between thighs, but I was too afraid to move lest I interrupt this perfect moment._

_Feeling the car move again, we broke away, breathing heavily. Edward leaned back, smoothed some hair away from my face and cooled my heated cheeks with the palms of his hands. When we exited the ride Edward leaned forward from behind me, brushed his lips to my ear and said, "You are the most beautiful creature I have ever known Miss Swan. I am luckier than I ever imagined possible."_

I awoke with a gasp and looked around. Despite being February, the air in my room felt heavy with heat. I then realized that my fingers were nestled snugly between my legs, slick and warm from my arousal. As I pulled my fingers out my nerves jumped and sizzled. My hand slid back down to appease the ache in my wakened body, and as I moved my fingers over my clit and fondled one of my breasts with the other, I imagined that Edward was at my side, touching me, exploring me, making me gasp, and enjoying it as much as I was.

I rose just before dawn. Although my body still felt limp, my mind was racing. What was that? It wasn't a dream – it was a memory. Everything in my dream had happened - down to the last word - the weekend before my birthday. I'd never before dreamt a memory. I wondered if a part of my brain was trying to tell me something. I couldn't think about at it the moment, so I jotted as much as I could remember into my journal and started getting ready for the day.

Throughout the day, my thought returned to this dream. What was so special about it? Maybe nothing. It could be fate, or subconscious or a devious god making me relive something that would never happen again.

I wasn't ready to figure out why my brain taunted me with that memory. Besides, I had more pressing matters to attend to as I had not yet completed the dubious task of responding to Rebecca's invitation. Almost every inch of me screamed 'No!' to going to her college party, except my gut. My intuition was sitting like a little red-tailed devil on my shoulder, egging me on, whispering things I didn't want to hear into my mind. Why would I go, why would I put myself through that embarrassment? I tried to turn the volume down on the devil and focus on school.

As I stepped out from my last class and jumped into my truck, the devil came back with a vengeance,

_Don't you want to know for sure, get it over with? _ Said the little she-devil.

"**Get what over with? I'm not sure what enlightening information I will pick up at a college keg party." **I responded. I knew I was talking aloud in my truck, and I didn't care. Everyone thought I was a freak anyhow.

_You want to find out if you are wanted._

"**I already know that. I already know I'm not. Not in that way, anyhow."**

_No, you don't. So the vampire didn't want you. Big deal. There are lots of "humans in the sea" you know._

"**There's only one I want. He's gone"**

_But would this really be about that? _

"**I don't follow."**

_Is this really about wanting someone, or finding out if you are wanted, if you are desirable? Wouldn't it feel good to have someone want you in _that _way, in the way that he never wanted you?_

"**But then I'd be just like **_**him**_**. I'd be pretending I was interested when I wasn't. I would hurt someone."**

_You haven't met enough college boys, my dear. The ones who find the love of their life at a college keg party didn't go there looking for it._

"**Then why would they want me?"**

…

"**Oh. I'm not like that."**

_Maybe that's your problem._

When I got home, I called Rebecca and over the phone she helped me pick out clothes for my weekend in Seattle.


	8. Desired

_A/N Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. _

* * *

><p>"Bella, you're just going to have to trust me. You look great." Rebecca took at step back to admire her work. I was sitting on a stool in her apartment in Seattle. It was finally Saturday, and I was getting ready for this big party that Rebecca promised to be, "A blast."<p>

After I accepted Rebecca's invitation I was a wreck. The idea of functioning beyond daily tasks left me frazzled and unable to focus. I had many opportunities to practice calming my breath and relaxing my muscles. Paradoxically, I found that the more I experienced panic, the better I got at working my way through it. 'Practice makes perfect', I supposed.

But as I drove to Seattle with Jacob, My breaths became faltered and a familiar feeling clenched my chest. My hands wouldn't stop trembling. It didn't go unnoticed.

"You OK there Bella?" Jacob questioned.

"Yeah, I just…I haven't been out in a while. I've never been to a college party. I'm nervous."

"Ah, don't worry about it. You're cute, the guys will go crazy."

"I think that's why I'm nervous. I've never been with anyone but…you know,"

"Edward." Jacob added forcefully. "You know, his name can't hurt you."

"It's not his name, Jake, it's all the memories that go with it."

Once I arrived in Seattle, I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt slightly better after I convinced Jake to pull over for a trip to the restroom where I was betrayed by the contents of my stomach. Once we arrived at Rebecca's apartment and I saw Rebecca my chest relaxed, and I started to feel like I could breathe.

"I am going to trust you that this is OK for your party Rebecca, but to be honest, I feel really…bare. It's still February, remember?" I could feel a draft over my exposed back, "Oh, and believe me, you don't want me in these shoes. I promise you I'll break a bone. And it might not be mine."

"If you insist, wear these boots, they'll look good with the jeans." She tossed me a little pair of low heeled black boots and studied me, "How are you with makeup? You don't need much…"

"I'll need help with that too. In fact, when it comes to stuff like this, the only thing you can trust me to do is brush my hair," I laughed nervously.

Rebecca didn't laugh, instead her brows stitched together in thought, "Didn't…Edward? Didn't he take you on dates? Did you not dress up?"

I thought back to some of our dates, a shock of pain coursing through my chest. I took a deep breath, readying myself to carry on. Maybe if I could push past the pain, I would come to a point that I would be able to make the most of the good memories I did have of us.

"We went on a few fancy dates. He took me to prom. He made me feel beautiful that night. Like I was the only woman in the world." I smiled faintly at that distant memory, though I could feel a few tears springing to my eyes. Despite the horror of dealing with James, and having a walking cast, and not really wanting to go to Prom, Edward had made me feel really special. I felt surprisingly beautiful that night, and I couldn't help but compare this to how I felt when he left. But this didn't answer Rebecca's question, and it wouldn't help to start crying right now. I took in a cleansing breath, "His sister Alice would do my hair and makeup, and she'd help with my clothes." My voice hitched. Pushy little pixie. Edward wasn't the only one I missed.

Rebecca seemed to read my mind, "You were close with her, too, weren't you?" All I could do was stare at the corner of the room and nod. My chest felt too tight to accomplish more of a response.

"After the prom, Edward gave me a break for a while. He knows I don't like dressing up, and that I'm terrified of dancing. So during the summer we often did simple things. We took hikes, we would read together – we both enjoy the quiet – we would sometimes go to Port Angeles and walk on the pier. A few times we came here to Seattle - to art galleries, museums, bookstores. We're both bibliophiles, we had some pretty intense discussions about our choice of books. We went to the Fall Fair the weekend before he left." I smiled at my memory/dream, and then I began to feel sad and angry, wanting nothing more than to turn back time and have all of that – and none of the last 6 months – happen all over again. I could feel hot tears scalding the edges of my eyelids and coursing down my cheeks.

After a while, she spoke up again, "You still have some strong feelings, even after all this time."

I thought about that carefully, "I thought about what you said. It's wrong that he lied to me, and I'm angry. It's not my fault that he left me in that manner. I wish it hadn't happened. But I used to think I was so unhappy because I was lacking something, that I wasn't enough for him. Now I realize that I am also unhappy because I really didn't get closure. His choice to leave surprised me, and I didn't say goodbye to his family at all. At the same time, I can't shake the idea that I still love him, love them all. You'd think after almost 6 months, I'd at least be able to imagine loving someone like I do him, but I can't. That's part of the reason I decided to come tonight," I confessed, "I wanted to see if secluding myself is just making my reaction to his absence worse, and I also think I need a boost in confidence."

Rebecca smiled, but her face remained pensive, "Can I be honest with you Swan?"

"Uh…Sure." I didn't like where this was headed. But I had already managed to say all these personal things to her; she earned a moment to say something back.

"So…Edward," She began, "Took you to fancy places, made you feel beautiful while you were with him, and he helped you have a good time even in places in which you were uncomfortable. Have I got that right?" Rebecca eyed me speculatively, and when I confirmed her observations, she continued, "Edward really seemed to enjoy the fancy shit, didn't he? But," Rebecca continued, "He still took you to museums, and bookstores and boat watching, and all sorts of every day things, because he knew you liked those more, correct?" I nodded and started to respond, but Rebecca held up a finger, "Plus, the night of the potluck you told me of all those other things: He cared about where you went to college, what you would do with your life, whether your car was running well…" Her voice drifted away

I added quietly, "He liked all those things too, though. He said the boats at the pier reminded him of living in his hometown, Chicago. He loves books and museums as much as I do. As for my truck," I huffed, "He hated the thing. I'm not sure if he hated it more because it was slow, or because he thought it ugly." I wasn't sure where Rebecca's train of thought was going, but I felt I needed to reassure her in my steadfast knowledge that Edward leaving me was purposeful and permanent. As painful as it was for me to admit it, he didn't love me anymore.

"Are you sure you were dating a high school boy?" Rebecca laughed. Oh, if she only knew. "Because, he doesn't sound like one. You make him sound more like a devoted husband than an emotionally unreliable teenage boyfriend. I may not be a therapist, but I have listened to many a break up in my past four years, " Rebecca stated, "I gathered a bit of a reputation in the dorms for handing out really good dating advice, so I've heard a lot. And what I've heard was a lot of the same story, that didn't sound anything like yours." I continued to listen. I wish she'd been around during the few days that Edward was moping, before he left.

"What strikes me, Bella, is that most girls in retrospect can clearly see all the shitty things their jerk boyfriends were doing, even things they didn't notice at the time. But that's not what I hear from you. I saw you the other night, I saw that you were pissed off, and you were processing. I see that you are trying hard to move on, but it's like you have nothing to move on to…or rather, nothing negative to move on from.

Rebecca took a deep breath, and then laid out her diagnosis to me, "I don't think he left your because he doesn't love you." She said softly.

"That's crazy," I retorted, "He so much as told me so. I mean at the time, he said he would always love me 'in a way', but he didn't want me with him. He made it quite clear that he wanted it over."

"Oh, I believe that," Countered Rebecca, "I can see by what you told me that he wanted to end it, but it's not because he didn't love you. I don't need to have met him to see that there was something going on. Is there anything you can think of?"

I couldn't tell her about my birthday party, but I decided I needed to wrap this up. It was becoming way too intense for me, "I can't think of anything to say at the moment. But if I think of anything, I'll let you know…" I mumbled.

Rebecca could sense my need to change topics, so she began talking makeup, comparing me to different seasons of the year – why I'm not sure – and then helped me apply color to my face. After a few minutes, Rebecca ushered me into the bathroom to inspect her work in the full length mirror. I must say, the stunning brunette staring back at me was a looker. I swear she winked at me.

My dark hair hung to the middle of my back in large riotous curls. My make up was subtle, but I noticed that the eye shadow that Rebecca had applied made my eyes look larger, and my eyelashes looked darker and thicker, which emphasized their round shape. Rebecca didn't apply foundation, declaring my skin 'perfect'. I was glad for that , as I hated having that thick stuff smeared all over me. The only other makeup was on my lips, which had a pink gloss on them, slightly darker than my natural color. Overall, I felt quite comfortable with the work she'd done.

My comfort level diminished quickly once I looked below my neck. Rebecca had chosen one of the tops that Alice had purchased for me before she left – one that had never seen the light of day after its purchase. The top was dark plum, which Rebecca said looked 'exquisite' with my dark hair and fair skin, and began with a choker-style, sequined neckline. That's where the modesty ended. The silky fabric was gathered at my neck, and then stretched out at my waist to wrap around my sides. It then gathered again at the center of my hipline, and was attached with a piece of sequined fabric that resembled a belt. The result was a top that from the front looked like a diamond stretched across my chest and torso.

Rebecca then turned me around and held a mirror up, so I could inspect the back of the top. I squeaked when she pulled my hair away and my exposed back was revealed. The back was simple. Too simple. In fact, it would be unfair to say it had a back, as there really wasn't anything but for a few sequined straps about two inches wide, crossed over my shoulder blades. The result of the cut and lay out of the fabric left my sides exposed from my hips to just under my arms, and my back was nearly bare. I had never worn anything so revealing, not even swimwear. Heck, I had bras that gave me more coverage than this shirt. Speaking of bras, this top did not accommodate one. I remembered when Alice picked it out she held it up to me and surmised that my breasts would look great in this top, and that I could get away with no support for one night. I had to admit, after looking in the mirror, my boobs didn't look that bad. They felt bare though, and I was strategizing a way to keep my nipples from hardening when I went out in the cold weather. I didn't want to attract attention to my bust that quickly. I mentioned this to Rebecca, and she threw me a cropped leather jacket.

I began to like these clothes a little more. I put on the jacket and I felt…kind of naughty. I felt a rush of adrenaline. I never recalled being excited about clothing before.

After our careful inspection, Rebecca and I were ready to go. I at least felt comfortable that Rebecca's outfit was just as revealing as mine. She wore a burgundy dress with straps that tied behind her neck and fitted her bustline perfectly. The skirt of the dress flared at her hips and ended in a couple of gauzy light layers just above her knee. It made me feel better that I knew she wasn't going out for any reason but to have fun; she wasn't bringing or looking for a date, or trying to hook up with someone.

"My friends and I go out like this for fun," Rebecca had assured me, "We dress up to feel different than the frumpy student role we have to play all week. This is a release. We get to be something else that we have inside of us. It's all for fun. Trust me." I trusted her.

Jacob was waiting in the living room while we had changed. As we stepped out of her bedroom, Rebecca giggled and he looked up. His first look was of disgust, but I soon realized that he was looking at his sister in an outfit in which a young man would not like to on see his sister. Then he saw me.

After picking his jaw up the floor, Jacob stuttered, "Man, I came all the way here to pick up college girls, and all this time I just had to get Bella into _that!" _Jake was shameless. Perhaps it was his reaction, or my new found comfort level, but something came over me and I felt comfortable showing off a little bit, for practice. I turned a slow circle and smirked at him.

"Umm…Bella?" Jake asked, "I think there's….I think you forgot something"

I looked at him mortified. What was wrong? Did I just flash something? I crossed my arms over my chest and backing up toward a wall. I then noticed Rebecca laughing hysterically.

"What's wrong?" I Squealed

Jacob blushed, embarrassed. "I thought, well, something was missing. It doesn't look like it could really hold…much up." His blush darkened and he averted his eyes to inspect the ceiling.

I then realized that Jacob had just figured out I wasn't wearing a bra. I wasn't expecting such an immediate reaction, but Rebecca gave me a wink, so I just decided to brush off his reaction, "Come on Casanova," I grabbed his arm, "There's a college girl out there waiting for your phone number." Jacob flashed a wicked smile and let me lead him out the door.

Truthfully, Jake didn't look bad either. Though I didn't think I could see him as more than a platonic guy friend, I did have eyes. His well-toned torso was visible under the grey shirt he wore, and the black jeans he had on were just tight enough to be suggestive, without being creepy. Although he looked good, I added in the Casanova line on purpose to remind him that he wasn't here _with_ me.

After a short walk we arrived at the sorority house. All the lights were on, casting a warm glow against the dark shadows and inky blue sky of evening. The low thumping bass of the music playing could be heard from the outside. The background was filled with the chatter of conversations, punctuated by the occasional hoot or squeal.

As we pushed through the crowded house, Rebecca introduced us to several of her sorority sisters, who regarded us with benign dismissiveness. My self-conscious side caused me to look around to others at the party. Though my first reaction is to hunch my shoulders and try to act invisible, I found that I felt oddly at home in this sea of strangers. No one was going out of their way to point me out, label me the new girl, or advertise my arrival on the front page of a student newspaper. I liked that I seemed to be blending in. To my relief, Rebecca also stuck by me so I didn't feel abandoned. She was kind enough to introduce me to a few people. Jacob had already taken off, with a sea of heads following his direction like the wake of a boat. He did not go unnoticed by a good number of the female attendees.

Eventually, Rebecca handed me a plastic cup. "Coke. Just coke." She whispered against my ear. I thanked her, sipped my drink, and took up residence in a corner scanning the crowd, while she excused herself momentarily to find a sorority sister.

After a few moments, standing in the corner began to feel exactly like the sentiment of, 'being alone in a crowd'. After Rebecca's form had receded into the swarm of people, I felt my anxiety creeping back in. I didn't realize until she had left that I was using her as a security blanket to quell my fears. I began to chant a little mantra to push through the anxiety, and I focused on my empty cup. Even if I wanted another, I wouldn't know where Rebecca had retrieved it, and I would feel stupid asking for a Coke. The busy room seemed too packed to move across and look for things anyhow, so I decided it was better to stay put until Rebecca returned.

"Hi," a deep voice said beside me, launching me out of my reverie.

"Oh! Hi," I said, I realized I had jumped a bit when I heard the unfamiliar voice addressing me.

"Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you," said the deep voice, "I…uh, you just looked a little lost, that's all. I'm Mark, by the way." I looked up and saw a man in his early twenties. He had dark brown hair, olive toned skin, but oddly he had sparkly blue eyes when most people with that complexion would have brown. As I looked up and our eyes locked, his expression softened, and a smile crept across his face. I had to look away, as his smile was slightly crooked, and reminded me a little too much of the smile I now only saw in my dreams.

"Hi Mark." I said to his brown collar.

Mark let out a breathy chuckle, "And you are…"

"Oh! I'm sorry, my name's Bella."

"Nice to meet you…Bella," He stretched out my name like his voice was trying it on for size, "So, do you go to UW?"

"uh…no, I'm just friends with Rebecca Black. My dad lives in Washington, and I grew up knowing her family."

"So, do you go somewhere else?"

"Yeah… the University of North Florida. English Major. You?" I was grateful that I had practiced a cover story with Jake before I had arrived.

"Pre-Med." A wave of pain washed through me, as I thought of Carlisle…and Edward with all their collective medical degrees. I needed to change the subject, but Mark cut me to the chase.

"So, your cup's empty. Want a refill?" I hesitated as to whether to tell Mark to just put Coke in it.

"Yeah, Coke please."

Mark laughed, "Coke and…?"

Oh God.

"Coke and…surprise me?"

I accidentally caught a glimpse of the crooked grin, "OK Bella, I'll get Coke, and surprise you." He disappeared into the crowd, and I let out a sigh of relief.

Mark was back soon, my cup refilled and a bottle of beer in his other hand. He handed me the cup. So Bella, do you have a last name?

"Swan, Bella Swan. You?" I took a sip of my drink.

"Mark Dwyer". And ohmygod what burning concoction did he put in here with a drop of Coke? I nearly spit it out, but was able to force the fiery liquid down my throat. My cheeks flamed red, and Mark noticed.

"You OK there, too strong for you?" I wondered if he had done it on purpose, and if he had, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.

"No, no, it's good. Just bad timing. My mother married a guy named Dwyer. Phil Dwyer. Are you any relation?"

"Not that I know of. Are they here in Washington?" Good, I think successfully changed the subject.

"Uh, no. Florida. I guess Dwyer's a common last name." I forced a laugh, "Just wanted to make sure I didn't have any unknown step-siblings running around Washington State." The only thing that kept me from dying of embarrassment of my bad joke was the relief that it seemed to take Mark's focus off the fact that I nearly spewed my drink all over his shirt. Tentatively, I took another sip of my coke and whatever. Flames licked my throat, but it wasn't as bad as the first time.

I then realized that Rebecca hadn't returned, so I took a moment to scan the room to look for her. I saw her standing in an opposite corner. Our eyes connected momentarily, and she gave me a thumb's up sign. I cocked my head and tried to give her a quizzical look, but she didn't pick it up, as someone else had grabbed her attention.

"So, Bella," I jumped again. I had all but forgotten about Mark. "A little skittish tonight?" He chuckled again, "There are some quieter rooms downstairs," My eyes widened, "There are still people down there," He added quickly, to reassure me, "But not so many. It might be easier to talk down there. What do ya say?"

I let out a breath. I should at least tell someone where I was going. "Sure, I'm just gonna let my friend know…so she doesn't worry." I walked over to Rebecca, and told her I'd be downstairs. She looked over my shoulder at Mark, gave me a wink and waved her fingers at me, and turned back to some friends.

As Mark and I headed downstairs, he grabbed my almost empty cup without asking and told me he'd be right back. Just then I saw Jacob, "Hey Jake! Any luck?"

"Let's just say that as we speak, the ladies are congregating to get their fair share of Jacob Black." Jake had a smug smile on his face.

Mark returned and handed me back my cup, which he had refilled. I told Jacob I was going downstairs. Jacob gave me a terse nod, and was then distracted by a small fingers curling over his shoulder. As Mark and I moved away, I felt a warm hand rest on the small of my back. A shiver went up my spine. Mark was nice, but I couldn't help acknowledging myself that he wasn't Edward. It just couldn't compare. Even after seeing Edward for the first time in the cafeteria. Even after speaking with Mark, and trying not to look at his smile and feeling his hand on me, it wasn't the same. But, I reasoned that with Edward I was much more naïve. Edward was my first, well, everything. My first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first 'I love you'. I pushed away the swell of pain that threatened to rip through my chest at those thoughts.

Besides, I reasoned, even Bridgette said what I felt with Edward may be stronger than normal human emotions. I supposed I may have to accept that I will never feel with a human what I felt with Edward, simply due to his vampiric effect on me. Perhaps this is another reason why he left me. If I felt stronger for him because he was a vampire, perhaps he felt less for me simply because I was a human. Maybe he wanted to love me, but couldn't. Maybe he was afraid I would become a vampire and he wouldn't mate with me. I let out a slow, trembling breath. Vampire or not, I couldn't stop my feelings for him. Would I live out my entire life this way? Pining over love that could never be?

"How about here?" Mark brought me back to the moment. We were standing in the doorway of a small recreation room with a pool table, a few couches and a flat screen TV.

"Looks good," I said. We sat down on a couch. I took another swallow of my drink. The fire in my throat didn't feel so extreme, and I liked how it made my chest and stomach feel warm. As I sunk back into the couch, my body began to relax and my bones felt like jelly.

"This place isn't so bad." I took another drink, "What did you surprise me with anyway?" I lifted my cup as indication, and then took a couple of more gulps. This cup was bigger than I thought. I was going to have to pee soon.

Mark had sat down beside me, and had thrown his arm across the back of the couch, behind me. I noticed a slight scruff on his chin, and his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he took a swig of beer. With his arm over me, I noticed his musky, manly smell. The room felt so warm. Mark felt so warm. He kind of smelled funny, but not bad. I wanted to tell him that, but the words were having trouble getting to my mouth.

"Well, he said, what I put in your drink was rum with a bit of Coke," He smirked, and I thought he winked at me, "What I thought I would surprise you with, was this." Before I could react, his arm that was resting on the couch curled forward onto my shoulders and his other hand clamped down over my jaw to turn my head towards him. I suddenly found his lips crashing onto mine, and before I could even register that he was kissing me, his tongue found its way into my mouth. I think I squeaked, but since my mouth was covered, it sounded more like a whimper. At any rate, Mark responded quite enthusiastically to the noise.

His lips frantically moved across mine while his tongue dipped in and out, pushing and sliding against mine. The action didn't feel forced, but more awkward and clumsy than I thought it should. I thought that whoever had coined the term 'tonsil hockey' must have kissed someone like this, as it did feel like it had a competitive edge to it. It was strange to feel such hot lips against mine, as well as the feeling of warm breath across my cheek as he breathed through his nose. I grappled to come up with some sort of appropriate response to this person's enthusiastic advances.

The little red she devil returned.

_This is what you came for_. She whispered at me. _He likes you. He _wants _you. Give into him. Find out how much you are desired. Let yourself go._

**I'm drunk though. I think. **Not drunk enough to talk out loud. Or maybe I only did that when I was sober.

_Even better. You're relaxed. Now stop talking to me and kiss him back._

So I did. I kissed back. I ran my hands up his arms and across his shoulders. I couldn't bear to run my fingers through his hair –that would be too much, too familiar and yet too foreign. So I rested them on his shoulders before they moved of their own accord onto his chest.

As I became more cognizant of his kiss, I could taste the beer on his breath. I could also detect the faint taste of what I could only describe as cigarette ash. As my hands ran down his chest and across his ribs, Mark moaned and bit my lower lip. With my eyes shut tight I could feel myself being lifted up and onto his lap. My thoughts were woozy, and I couldn't decide whether to care that I was straddled across his legs. I felt his hot hands grazing the bottom of my shirt. Our lips stayed locked while I placed both palms on each side of his face.

**This feels wrong,** I thought to myself.

_Mark doesn't think so. _Fucking she-devil wouldn't shut up

**Mark isn't making out with a mouth that tastes like an ashtray. **

_He wants you Bella. Is that why you came here? Don't you want to be desired like a woman ought to be desired?_

Even if I had words, I don't think my brain would have been able to coherently relay them to the She-Devil.

I'm not sure how long we kissed, but my mind kept wondering if this shouldn't really be over by now. I felt like time slowed while sitting on Mark's lap while his hands ran up and down my back and onto my backside, but I didn't care. I just knew that my bones felt like jelly and everything felt too warm and my head spun as I tilted it back and he trailed hot wet kisses down my neck. I vaguely registered that the guy underneath me was breathing heavily. I was too busy trying to decide if I wanted my bones back, if I didn't want to feel dizzy any more. I knew that I felt hot in all the wrong places, like my nose and lungs, and I didn't like that. I was expecting more from this and I wasn't very impressed with the results. But I couldn't get my body to decide whether it cared enough to do anything about it.

Suddenly, I felt a hand that was skirting around the edge of my shirt reach up and palm my left breast. It felt too warm, too different. A rumbling moan escaped this guy's lips, and then I was elsewhere, in another time, in another place:

…_Ever so slowly, he moved his hand down and across the side of my breast. I couldn't help but whimper as I then felt him graze my hardened nipple. A low growl rumbled through his chest. Moving in slowly, his hand memorized the tip, the swell, and the underside of my breast…My lower belly tightened and I yearned for friction between thighs, but I was too afraid to move lest I interrupt this perfect moment._

My lower belly wasn't tight. I didn't ache between my thighs. The palm of Mark'es hand mashed against my left breast, and his other hand had moved to join on the right side. His hands were squeezing, pinching my nipples and I flinched in discomfort. My head began to clear from a fog and my body felt more controlled. I realized that Mark had either no interest or sensibility to care what my reaction to his groping was doing to me.

Then, Mark's hand left one of my breasts and roughly pulled my hips forward. I jumped as I felt what I was pretty sure was an erection rubbed against my inner thigh. He moved his stiff arousal in a way in which my excitement was not a priority. In fact, he was succeeding at disappointing me overall in that department. I was suddenly sucked back into my memory:

_I whimpered at the taste of his mouth in my own. Though I was never one for dancing, It felt like our mouths and lips and tongues were moving in some sort of erotic rhythm. I could dance like this every day for the rest of my life. My skin began to flush, and as Edward briefly broke away I could hear him panting as heavily as I was._

No matter what Edward felt at that time, I remembered what I felt. I had felt desired. I had felt loved. I didn't know what he was thinking. But I know I owned what I felt in that moment.

Edward made me feel a delicious ache in my groin. His touch made me whimper. He had no need to ply me with alcohol; his taste and smell, his touch, they all intoxicated me in the most erotic way.

Loved. Desired. _What I felt right now with Mark was neither of those things._

"Oh my god Jenna, you have great tits," Mark's hand gave my breast an abrupt squeeze, and he was grinding faster against my leg.

I froze. I stopped the kiss and pushed away from him.

"My name's Bella."

Mark looked up to me with half-lidded, glassy eyes, his lips swollen. His face was red and sweaty from the alcohol and his arousal.

"Oh, sorry, sorry, Bella," and he tried to pull my back towards his embrace. But my elbows locked to keep myself away.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too. This is wrong. I shouldn't be doing this." I immediately felt humiliated and dirty at what I had done. I felt wrong that I had let him touch me. I felt stupid that I let a strange guy bring me a drink. I was confused because it felt like I had cheated on Edward, when that wasn't even possible because he left me. I'm sure that I stank like cigarettes. My breath quickened in anxiety, and I knew I had to get out of there.

I got up and left the room as quickly as I could without looking back. I heard Mark groan, and thought I heard him mumble something, but I couldn't let myself care enough to decipher the words. I couldn't bear to look into the eyes of this guy who had just groped me, who had forgotten my name the same night that he met me. I knew his body wanted me, that was obvious, but I wanted more than that. I learned that there are many, many ways to be desired, and I wasn't interested in that kind at all.

I stumbled up the stairs and looked around. The room looked much the same, although the people seemed wilder and less inhibited. I had no idea how long I'd been downstairs. I gazed across the crowd and saw Rebecca.

"Rebecca, what time is it?" I asked her in a rough voice.

"Oh my god Swan, are you OK? That guy, did he…did he…oh shit I should have been watching out I'm sorry. Where is he I'm gonna kick his…"

"No, no Rebecca he didn't do…what I think you mean. I mean, things happened, but I'm ok he didn't…you know. And I didn't do _that_," I whispered at the end.

Rebecca tilted her head, confused, "Then why are you crying?

I felt my cheeks. I was crying. That must have been why I stumbled up the stairs. I was mortified. Quick Swan, think of something.

"Oh, it's nothing; I've been told I'm an emotional drunk. Guess I had a bit too much." I put a determined look on my face, "I'm feeling better now. Some fresh air wouldn't hurt. Have you seen Jake?"

"Yeah, I think he's in the kitchen. Come back if you can't find him, please." Rebecca looked guilty. I think she felt responsible for what ever happened, so I put a smile on my face before I went looking for him.

I found Jake standing outside the large kitchen, playing some sort of game with cups and a ping pong. He looked up at me with a huge goofy grin.

"Hey Bella, check this out…_Beer Pong!_" He lowered his voice into a grumble and he elongated the last two words when he announced the name of the game he played. "You wouldn't guess – I'm winning!" Indeed, there was a crowd of people around him that seemed to be cheering him on.

As soon as Jake saw my red, tear-stained face though, he immediately sobered his expression and approached me. He passed the ping pong onto another guest, slung his arm around my shoulders and led me outside.

As soon as we were outside, I broke down and spilled as much as I could about what had happened. I told Jacob about how it had been for me after Edward leaving – the catatonia, dissociation, about going to therapy. I blabbered over what just happened with Mark, making out, memories of Edward and comparing them. I had to hide my face in my hands after I told him about Mark touching me, and him calling me Jenna. Though my head was feeling much clearer than earlier, I think the alcohol was still having an effect as I talked non-non stop. I didn't hold anything back. Suddenly I felt self-conscious and worried that I had exposed too much. Jacob was probably now going to adopt the "Forks High" opinion of me – that I was an obsessed nut job.

Hesitantly, I braved a glance at Jacob's face. He looked at me with a soft expression, but it wasn't pity. Jacob looked sympathetic and…understanding?

I let out a short laugh, "I thought you'd be running in the other direction now Jacob Black, now that you know how messed up I am."

"I already knew a lot of this stuff." Jacob mumbled the confession to the sidewalk, "Not the therapy, but other things. I knew you took it hard when Edward left – I remember you when I visited with my dad. I knew something happened that had made you a little better, but I didn't know what. I know you are still in love with Edward."

I stared at him slack-jawed. The first two made sense but, "How…how did you know I still loved him? I mean, I've tried so…I've tried so hard not to talk about it." I wanted Jacob to think I was normal. For the first time in months I've been around someone that made me happy, and I didn't want to screw it up. "I didn't want you running for hills." I added quietly as I came to its realization, "I didn't want you leaving me too."

"Bella, I'm not going to leave you over a thing like that," Jacob was almost indignant, "You're a lot of fun to be around and you have great taste in movies. You…you get me. I feel like myself around you."

"Yeah, I know how you feel Jake. I've found a really good _friend_ in you." Perhaps I over-emphasized the operative word. I could feel my heart speed up at the potentially awkward conversation I was about to have. With Jacob's next words, I could feel my shoulders relax, and I sighed in relief.

"Oh, geez Bells of course, I think of you as a great friend too, one of my best friends. I'll admit, you're smoking hot, but I see that look in your eyes too often when anything remotely related to Edward or the Cullens are mentioned. Even if I wanted...uh...something else with you, it would almost feel like you're cheating on him," I cringed as his words echoed my earlier thoughts. Jacob noticed, "Sorry if that's hard to hear, but it's true."

"I should have known. I tried hard to not let you know what I was still feeling."

"That was trying?" Jacob laughed, "Could've fooled me."

I pushed him playfully. Surprisingly, he didn't give. It was like pushing on a warm rock covered in skin. "So, how did you know? What did I do to give it away?" I wanted to be able to try and avoid it in the future.

"Well, let's see." I grimaced as Jacob began to count his tally on his fingers, "You adamantly refused romantic comedies – not that minded," he assured me, "You looked like you were doubling over in pain when you had to describe your break up to Paul; I saw you crying and heard you talking to Rebecca, though I had already guessed you still loved him before that, and you wouldn't touch our stack of movies that had 'Edward Scissorhands' in it. I saw your hand flick there tons of times, and you always jumped back like it stung you."

My face was probably as red as beet, "I'm a terrible liar, and my mom always said my face was like an open book."

"Yeah your face is," Jacob laughed, "And your shoulders, your arms, your fingers…"

I mocked indignation, "Enough! I am thoroughly embarrassed for the rest of the year, thank you very much," Jacob could only laugh. I felt embarrassed. Was I still really that checked out from life? I guess I still had a ways to go in being more aware of the world.

Jacob and I both turned as we heard a quick set of footsteps behind us. We both turned and saw Rebecca.

"Hey guys, you both gave me a scare. Is everything OK? Bella, are you alright? I'm so sorr –"

I cut her off, "Everything's fine Rebecca, I'm fine. I guess I just wasn't ready yet, you know…"I trailed off, hoping that she would get it without me having to say it.

Rebecca's expression softened, "I totally get it. Mark came up after by the way. He feels bad. He wants to tell you that in person."

I shook my head, "I just don't think I want to face him. I'm embarrassed as it is. Maybe just pass on my email? He is welcome to write me."

"I'll let him know. So, you guys aren't coming back?

Jacob looked at me and then at Rebecca, "I think it's getting pretty late for a couple of high school students. We'll head back to your . It was fun tonight though. We'll see you later?

"Sure, sure. I'll be back in no time. See you in the morning." Rebecca turned back toward the party.

~O~

When Jacob and I woke up the next day, we would have been just in time to grab some lunch before the campus cafeteria stopped serving. Despite me feeling a buzz from a couple of rum and Cokes and Jacob drawing his own personal cheering squad during beer pong, it seemed that both of us were lucky enough to not have a noticeable hangover. I was ready to drive home.

At home, the small familiarity of my room began to seep into my bones. It took an edge off of everything that had built up within me over the past week, and my perspective began to soften. I sat on my bed with my journal in hand, I wrote about my night, and idly pondered the nearly-filled book. Opening the first page, I saw the words that Bridgette had prescribed.

_If that which you seek you do not first find within yourself, you will never find without._

What was I seeking? Love? Desire? From whom?

This question brought to mind the conversation I had with Rebecca. _You have to accept _you_. Everyone else comes after that. _

Did I accept me? Did I love me?

~O~

The next day, I took to a task I had been ignoring. Despite my domestic frenzy last week, I hadn't found the time to answer emails. I could visualize Renee's emails filling my inbox by the hour, her messages becoming increasingly frantic at my literal absence. I decided there was no time like the present to start being a better daughter to her and fill her in on my life. At least I have the college party – I can easily gloss over some of the more dramatic moments and give her a tasty tidbit of my life that she will surely enjoy chewing on.

I opened my inbox. I received six emails from my mother. One of them contained pictures of her and Phil at the beach; the sun sparkling off her sun-kissed skin was almost as brilliant as the smile on her face. I know she sent these photos to entice me into moving to Florida, but really my first reaction was recognition that she was happy, and I feared that my emotional turmoil would upset her joyful little bubble more than she'd realize. I saved the photos, printed out a couple for my scrapbook and replied to the last email by telling her about my weekend.

Just as I was about to close my email and tuck myself in for the night, a new message came in. I looked at the name of the sender and my muscles and bones and brain and all my nerves froze and I think they did because everything in existence must have frozen over including hell, if there is such a place.

After flexing my fingers for a minute, opening and closing my browser four times, and then going to the bathroom to nearly vomit, I found the courage to open the email.

_Dearest Bella,_

_Just by writing you, I'm breaking all sorts of rules, so I might as well go all out. _

_I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry that I left like I did and I'm sorry it took me so long to get the guts to do this. _

_If you don't write back, if you want me gone forever I will respect your wishes. But I hope you respond. Even if you are angry and hurt and full of hatred for us, I'll take it. I'll take you anyway I can get you back._

_Please be careful. Your future gets fuzzy at times, and it's making me nervous._

_If you respond to this, I'll write back as soon as I can._

_Yours forever,  
>A<em>

And just like that, the structure I had built to try and wall in my feelings about the Cullens and their departure melted away. In a fog of confusion, hope, elation, surprise and disbelief, I stared blankly at the computer screen contemplating the turn of events. Alice hadn't forgotten me. Alice missed me. Alice loved me. She regretted what she did. Why wait all this time? I couldn't compute how this made me feel. There were so many conflicting ideas and emotions in my head that it made my mind swirl like a psychological vertigo.

A pain tightened my chest, but it was not the pain of the gaping hole of their absence, but a different kind of pain born of discovering that something I believed in,a part of my grief for so many months, perhaps may not be true. I was convinced the world started spinning sideways, and that north became east, which became south because that was the only thing that could make my room tilt this manner. It made me nauseous. I was able to process Alice's declaration no easier than I would be able to believe that the sky was red, or that the ceiling was really the floor.

I didn't know what to think anymore. But not long after I realized that I now had a way of getting answers.

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><p>EN: This was not an easy chapter to write, but a necessary one. I always appreciate reviews :)


	9. Friends

_A/N Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. _

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><p><em>March 10, 2006<em>

"Jacob is sick."

"Oh, that's too bad. You seem to like his company a lot."

"He's my best friend. He's the only one who never saw me as a freak because of how I have been acting since Edward left."

"You've talked a lot about Jacob lately. I can tell he is important to you. Do you know how he got sick?"

I sat in Bridgette's comfy office chair fingering the friendship bracelet that Jacob had given me the week after the party. Made up of several strings of four colors – cream, russet, brown and black, Jacob said it represented him and I, the colors symbolic of our shades of skin and hair. It was a simple and sweet gift, and I had lamented that I had nothing to give back. Jacob simply replied that the smile on my face was enough.

"_I know the reason why, but I still don't think you smile as much as you should."_

"_I'm trying Jacob, I just can't…There are things I can't get past. This whole thing…with you know…and… things aren't making sense anymore. I'm confused."_

"_It's OK to be confused. It's OK that you still love him. Even so, it's still alright to smile. Being happy sometimes doesn't mean that you love him less."_

In times like this, I began to wonder if Jacob wasn't an old man in a 20-something year old's body who was accidentally born 17 years ago. After knowing Edward, my conventional notions I had of age and youth had already flown out the window, so I decided it wasn't impossible that chronological age and physical and emotional maturity could become skewed in different ways as well.

Returning to Bridgette's question, I shrugged, "His dad says he has mononucleosis. I am supposed to watch movies with him tomorrow, but I don't think that's going to happen. I've tried calling but his dad just tells me that he's sleeping, or tired.

"Hmm," Bridgette's brow furrowed and she looked at her notes. She gave me a tight smile and reassured me, "Mono sometimes requires a long recovery time. I'm sure you'll see him soon enough. So tell me, what movie are you planning on watching with him when he's better?"

I knew that Bridgette was only trying to make me feel better by looking towards the future, rather than feeling the loss of another friend. "Well, we were going to watch 'Back to the Future III' this week." My thoughts honed in on the word 'future', "Oh! I meant to tell you, I guess I've just been worried about Jacob. I received an email from Alice Cullen."

Bridgette's eyebrows went up to her hairline, "So you've heard from a Cullen," Her face remained pensive, but her eyes sparkled a bit, "Did you learn anything that made you feel better?"

I had a print out of the email, and I showed it to her, "Yeah, I think I did. I mean I'm confused. But I feel like a small piece of me is settling somehow. I haven't written her back yet. I'm scared, Bridgette. I'm scared that she's going to stop writing me and she'll leave again."

Bridgette glanced at the message and looked up, "It looks like she took a risk in writing you. She's also apologizing. Is she the type of person who would go through all that trouble and then leave you?"

"No…yes…maybe?" I wanted to believe that Alice wouldn't, but I was also suspicious that she had some ulterior motive that was related to future decisions. I hadn't told my Aunts about the Cullens' gifts, so I had to find a way to express my feelings while keeping their confidence.

I qualified my response, "My gut reaction says that she wouldn't. If I think about how we were before she left, it's not her style to go out of her way to do something only to abandon it. But my fears and a voice in my head tell me that if it's happened once, it could happen again."

"I can see how that might frighten you," ponders Bridgette, "Perhaps you can ask her out right, ask if she can send you a phone number? Maybe ask her to call you speak one to one with her. It's always hard to have important conversations over email."

I consider this, nodding. "Her letter is actually one of other reasons I left early from Jacob's last week." I mumbled.

"Oh?"

I began relaying the whole story of last Saturday to Bridgette. I relayed the gift giving of the friendship bracelet and watching 'Back to the Future' with the intentions of making it a marathon and watching all 3 movies. After finishing the first movie though, everything went awry,

_Jacob got up to get us some Cokes from the kitchen, which is so close to the TV room, I hardly had to elevate my voice to share my news,_

"_So Jake, I uh, I got an email from Alice Cullen."_

_Jacob stepped back into the room carefully, "Is this a good thing?" He regarded me as he would a trapped animal._

"_I think it is. I have a lot to think over you know? A lot of feelings. But I miss her. I was never good at being friends with girls. She's one of my first real 'girl friends'. She misses me. She was sad that she had to leave the way she did. She didn't go into detail, but I think they had to leave so quick for her father's job, that she wasn't given a lot of choice." I didn't go into detail with Jacob. The less he knew and the less I had to fib, the better._

"_Well, that's good then. You should write back. Did she say anything about…you know."_

_I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, "No, she didn't say anything about Edward. I don't think he wanted her to write me."_

_Jacob sat down beside me and quieted his voice, "Well, the good news is-"_

_Jacob was cut off by the slam of the front door, followed by sound of Rebecca's voice hissing in the entry way. I didn't know she was visiting._

_The light from the entry way was darkened by Paul's large frame. "Jacob, I've told you before and I'll tell you now, there is no such thing as a Cullen and good news. You," He pointed a finger at me, "Are not to speak their names here. If you want to visit La Push-"_

"_Paul!" Jacob and Rebecca admonished him at the same time, _

"_No! So long as she has involvement in your lives, she is not to speak their names here!" Paul practically roared his response and I covered my ears more from fear than pain._

_Jacob stood up at that point, standing chest to chest with Paul. "You will not stand in my house and speak to my friend in this way." The sunny tone from Jacob's voice was gone. He sounded – and looked – menacing. If he wasn't supporting me, he would scare me more than Paul._

"_You know not of what you speak, Black."_

Jacob's hands began to tremble, "I know when a friend has been insulted. I know how to behave in the house of another, I know respect. I don't want to have to ask you to leave, Lahote."

_Paul barked a laugh, "Just give it time." he sneered at Jacob, "It won't be long until you see it my way."_

_Rebecca had been standing behind Paul, and mouthed 'I'm sorry', before her and Paul left the house. She looked angry, and I couldn't figure out what she saw in him._

_After that, Jacob didn't seem himself. I resisted the temptation to apologize. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong, and his wrath seemed to be directed at Paul. I was so angry with Paul. I think I was angrier at Paul for professing to be in love with Rebecca and speaking like that in her home, than I was over the words he had said to me. Rebecca definitely deserved better. Not wanting to upset Jacob, I didn't ask why she was back for the weekend._

_When we had finished the second movie, Jacob didn't look well at all. Just by sitting beside him I could feel the heat radiating from him skin, and his breaths sounded short and labored. His hands still trembled from time to time. _

"_You don't look so hot, Jake." _

"_I feel funny."_

"_I think you're sick. How about a rain check on the third movie? I think you should go to bed."_

"_I think you're right."_

_I watched Jacob walk to his room, and before I left I brought him some Tylenol and water. _

_The next day I phoned to check up on him, and his dad Billy answered the phone. He told me that Jake has a flu that's been going around La Push, and he wasn't sure when it would be over. His dad sounded nervous talking to me. He sounded like he wanted me off the phone, as though I could catch it just talking to him. None of it made sense. I asked to speak with Rebecca, to see if she could tell me anything, but she was out, according to Billy._

_I phoned again on Wednesday. Jake was still sick and this time Billy said it was Mononucleosis. He said the doctor thinks he has a bad case of it, could be out of school for a month or more. I offered to visit, but Billy said the doctor didn't advise it. He said it was too dangerous and that I would be affected by the disease, even if I just came by the house._

"Something doesn't seem right about this, Bridgette. When I was a sophomore in Phoenix, my classmate Heather got Mono. She was out of school for about 6 weeks, but she didn't want to lose her credits from the semester, so I would drop off her schoolwork every night. After a week, I could tell that she was lonely even though she was really tired. I asked her mom if it was alright that I stayed after school a couple of days a week, as company and a homework buddy. Her mom checked with the doctor down there, who said it was OK as long as I didn't drink from a glass or use utensils that Heather had used. That wasn't a problem because her mom kept her utensils separate anyway. I was fine, and so was the rest of Heather's family."

Bridgette listened closely to my story, nodding as I spoke. After I finished speaking, her approach took a different turn. She looked at me carefully, "We discovered something last week, Bella."

I looked up, surprised,"Yes?"

"Well, you know about our gift, correct? Well, sometimes Liza and I, we just get a feeling. A feeling like we should be looking somewhere, checking up on something. It's hard to explain. Call it intuition. So last week, we had a gut feeling to check up on you, Saturday afternoon." Bridgette grimaced, "I apologize if you feel we were overstepping bounds, but that's not what its like. When this happens, it's more like…how can I say…Imagine if you were in another room and you could hear someone you cared about having a hard time. Would you ignore what you could hear, or would you want to make sure they were OK?" Bridgette eyed me expectantly.

I thought I should be bothered by this information, but I wasn't. Perhaps it was from hanging around Alice, who spied my future unapologetically for all sorts of odd reasons. "I don't mind if you check up on me Bridgette, really. If I were in your shoes I'd probably do the same thing."

"I'm glad you understand, Bella."

At that moment, Liza knocked and entered, "I heard what you are talking about. Carry on." Liza smiled and motioned for her sister to continue, but still eyed me seriously.

"So, we had a feeling to check up on you. But, it was different. We couldn't exactly see or hear you properly. We don't really know what to make of it."

Liza continued, probably catching the confused look on my face, "Imagine looking through an open window, if you will, Bella. We can see a scene in front of us, and hear it perfectly as though we are there. But on Saturday when we got a feeling to check on you, we only saw shadows. We saw four figures, two of them very tall. And we heard voices but they were muffled. We recognized one of the voices as yours, and two other voices sounded upset. The fourth voice was very angry. I hope you can understand that we were concerned.

"We watched you until two figures left, the whole scene felt more relaxed. We were worried about you. Later on, we saw you again clear as day driving in your truck. You looked safe, but your face looked weary.

"So, what did you discover?" I had figured out that they saw shadows, but I wasn't clear if there was an epiphany that took place, or if they were busy solving a mystery.

"We learned that there is more to La Push than just people. There is something else that guards the reservation, though we don't know what." Liza whispers this information like it was secret, dangerous. Like it had a life of its own.

Bridgette carried on in a much less dramatic fashion, "Do you remember when we told you we saw James attack you, that we saw the Cullen family come and save you?" I nodded and shivered, reluctantly remembering that event, "Well, we recalled one of the others –Carlisle –say to another vampire – I believe your Edward, 'this won't affect the treaty, the pact with the Quileutes will remain in tact.' So we assume that there is something special in La Push, something that would require a vampire to make a treaty with the reservation."

"The Cullens aren't allowed on their land." I offered.

"We think there is some sort of protection over that land. A force, perhaps. We're not sure."

"I don't know. I wish I had more to tell you."

"Oh Bella," Liza explains, "You don't need to worry. We just wanted to be honest with you We check in on you to ensure your safety, and that when we checked last weekend your were all shadowy. It creeped us out a little, but you were OK in the end, right? She smiled and leaned her head on my shoulder. "As long as you are safe, it's alright."

Bridgette added in a somber tone, "We wanted to ask you a favor. If it's not too much trouble, please let us know if you plan on going to your friend Jacob's house any other time. We want to make sure you are safe. We don't want to be a bother, but we don't know the effect of this force over us; we don't know how far it reaches or how it limits our ability. It would make us feel better if you could do that."

I began to protest and remind Aunts Liza and Bridgette that I had been to La Push plenty of times with no problems, but then Paul's angry face came back to me, his tall frame leaning over me, threatening me.

"OK. I can do that. I don't plan on going there except Saturdays though". Bridgette thanked me, visibly relaxed, and assured me they wouldn't be eavesdropping unless absolutely necessary. I nodded and smiled in return. I never thought I was one for being taken care of, but knowing they cared about me felt…good.

Liza, Bridgette and I carry on after that, although the experience of La Push didn't leave my mind. As I practiced my deep breathing and let Liza guide me through the yoga postures that she'd been aching to teach me, my mind felt like it was split between two worlds: I relaxed into breathing deep while my head spun as I worried about my friend.

~O~

When I arrived home, I decided to email Alice. I still wasn't sure what to say to her. Her email had left me feeling confused, hopeful, and then nervous because I felt hopeful. I missed her. I couldn't lose her again without completely losing myself.

I thought again about what Rebecca had said. I had to accept me first. Everyone else came after that. I decided that the best favor I could do for myself would be to find the courage to tell Alice the truth, as there was nothing more that I had to offer.

_Alice,_

_I don't think I can describe to you in words how difficult the past few months have been for me. I didn't just lose one person I love, I lost a whole group of people that I considered family. One day you were there, the next you were gone, no good byes._

_To say that I took that experience hard is such an understatement it would be laughable if it weren't so pathetic. I don't feel ready to put into words what I have felt, and to be honest, I haven't really touched upon all that I felt in the first few months to be able to give you an accurate picture. It's been a very messy road for me, and I wish I didn't have to tell you that you didn't hold some responsibility for that, but you do. _

_Having said that, I still miss you and love you all. Countless times throughout the day I wish I could turn back time and go back to the day before my birthday, the day when everything seemed right in my world, and stay in that day and never leave. If I were a vampire, perhaps that is the talent I would wish for myself._

_But I can't, and I won't think about it because my life is different now. I would like to be able to write to you and tell you that my life is full, happy, complete, but I think from the tenor of this letter you can guess that it's not. I miss your brother with all my being, and it there is no end to my grief that he does not share that sentiment. I tried to get past him and move on, but so far I have been failing miserably. Apparently even the façade I have tried to create to hide my feelings for him has been embarrassingly transparent, as noted by others in my life._

_In the end, I wish him well. I hope he finds love someday. I wish even harder that it had been me, that the love I felt for him could have been returned, but I suppose I need to accept that he couldn't live a lie any longer._

_I understand from your email that he does not know we are communicating, so I won't pass on my regards, but please let me know if he's doing well. I hope for all the pain he has caused me, that perhaps he has found happiness for himself. Maybe that will provide some of the closure my heart is aching for._

_Wishing you and your family the best,_

_Bella._

_P.S., Please write back, but only if you plan on remaining a permanent fixture in my life. I don't think I would be able to handle your disappearance a second time. _

In the end, my mostly truthful email came forth as oddly antiquated and highly formal which did not match the path of hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I re-read the email again. Ok, so it was mostly true. Yes, I wanted to Edward to be in love and happy, but I really didn't want to think about it, unless he was in love and happy with me. But that was a moot point.

I read the email again. And again. And again until each line is painfully branded into the ache in my chest. Until my eyes burned because they have shed too many tears, and my nose ran and felt raw from rubbing. Until my desk was hidden under a blanket of used tissues and my head throbbed. They aren't lying when they say the truth hurts.

I was desperately afraid of sending what I had written. The letter I had written was the truth as much as it was a test. I wanted Alice in my life, but not at the risk of being abandoned once again. If she could handle the truth and write back, maybe, just maybe she could help me heal. But then again, she could just as easily disappear from my life again.

I swallowed my fear, pressed send, and then ran to my toilet to throw up.

~O~

It had been three weeks. Alice sent me a short email to tell me she missed me and would never ever stop writing, but indicated that she had to cut the letter short to keep our little secret. I wasn't sure if it was to keep pen-pal relationship from everyone else, or to keep it away from Edward by keeping it out of everyone else's heads. I didn't realize until I read her note that I was hoping for something longer, something substantial that would answer all the questions I had not been able to form. A phone call would have been nice. All I could do was hope that she would remain a permanent fixture, and stick with me this time.

Life at home became lonely. Billy still kept telling me that Jacob was too sick to handle a visit, telling me that he was resting, or weary. I spoke with this a few times with my aunts, and though they told me to give him time to heal, my patience was wearing thin.

I sat on my bed desperately trying to complete homework without thinking about Jacob. Jake was my sole outlet to the outside world, and the one person who hadn't socially ostracized me for continuing to love Edward despite the crude way in which he left me. A part of me felt that there was something beyond ordinary acceptance that allowed Jacob to understand how I could still love someone who hurt me, but I wasn't sure what it was. I don't even think I understood how I could love someone who had left me in the woods, who had switched his emotions off so casually. I thought about Jacob's mother, and her untimely death. Perhaps Jacob knew the answer to loving someone who left with no warning. Maybe he could one day be able to share this story with me.

The next morning, in a fit of loneliness and boredom, I decided to pull out something that I had kept from everyone, including Edward. It was something that I hadn't been able to look at it until now. It was no secret that I had not wanted to go to prom, but I had not revealed to anyone just how important that night had been for me. I kept my secret under wraps, and my tiny memorial to it lay inconspicuously under my bed in a shoe box that had been my only co-conspirator. In that box I had stashed away a picture of Alice, just before prom, doing my hair, the tickets stubs from the dance, the obligatory photo that was taken when we entered the gymnasium, and the dried freesia corsage that Edward had pinned into my hair.

I slid on my tummy under the bed until my fingers could just barely reach the edge of the box. My bed sat low to the ground, and I realized that I would have been easier to reach the box had I dove under the bed from the other side. No matter, I was there now, and I was determined to reach the box from where I lay. No shoebox would get the better of me. Grappling with my finger tips, I thought that I could force my hands to reach just a bit further if I could only get a foothold on something for resistance. If I could only make my arms reach just a bit further.

With my legs flailing, my toes finally caught hold on the edge of a floorboard, and with a grunt and a push, I launched myself under the bed toward the shoebox. No one ever accused me of being graceful, and at this moment I surely lived up to my klutzy reputation. As I slid forward, my knee caught on a floor board which tore through my jeans and sliced my knee cap.

As the sting of the cut seared through my knee, I was able to catch the end of the shoe box and pull it out. Laying it on my bed, I sat on the floor and inspected my knee and the offending floor.

The wooden board in question was slightly raised, and had a hole in that once a long time ago housed a knot in the wood. I had never paid much attention to the board before, and I saw that in attempting to reach the box, I had shoved my bed askew. The board had been hidden under my bed.

Sitting with my legs drawn up on the floor, I took another moment to inspect my knee. Despite the gash in my pants, and the salty rusty smell of the blood, another sight grabbed my attention -A patch of sunlight from the window streamed across my room and lay across the floorboard and the knot hole. I could see into the hole and a little bit of sun reflected back at me brightly, like bundled shards of glass.

This was odd. I could tell from the dust that my bed had not been moved in months, probably before I moved to Forks. In fact, it had always sat here, and I suspect Charlie did not move furniture to dust underneath. Before this bed, my crib had been placed in this very spot. Could I have found something even Charlie hadn't known about? My mind raced with possibilities and my curiosity was piqued.

After an inspection of the floorboard, I stuck my finger in the knot hole. I wasn't expecting the board to loosen so easily. When I pulled on the knot with an enthusiastic tug, my arm jerked back with the ease in which it came away and I nearly hit my self in the face with a plank of wood. I sat dazed for a moment, but when I focused my eyes, I bent down and pulled out a plastic Ziploc bag.

With my stuff in it.

My stuff. The stuff I thought Edward had taken when he left.

Dumbfounded, I landed squarely on my butt with a thump in the middle of the floor. The ring of confusion in my head silenced the sting of my knee and the new ache in my backside. All this time. _All this time, _Edward had hidden my things under my bed. Under my floor.

I forgot about my own dirty secret that I had gone to retrieve. Edward had secrets of his own that he had hidden just feet away from my own stash. I ripped open the plastic bag and emptied the contents onto my bed.

Airline tickets from Esme and Carlisle.

The photo of Edward and I, ripped in half. Only his picture remained. The side with my face on it was gone.

A letter I used to have pinned on my bulletin board that he had slipped into my bag before lunch ended. It was just a short note proclaiming his love for me in that sweet, old-fashioned way that was just 'Edward'.

The CD with my lullaby.

A ring I'd never seen before.

A ring I'd never seen before?

I deftly picked up the ring, examining the tiny diamonds that were inset and surrounded by fine strands of gold. It reminded me of a golden spider's web, sunlit and glistening with dew in the morning. It was absolutely beautiful in its intricacy and the subtlety, the size of the ring balanced by the delicacy of the tiny diamonds sparkling in my palm.

I looked inside the ring. An inscription.

An inscription that caused white spots to form over my teary vision. That made darkness creep into the edges of my sight as I forgot to breathe.

_Bella and Edward, Forever in all ways_

A sob caught in my throat, and the last thing I saw was the ring drop and bounce on my bed before my world went black.

As soon as I regained consciousness, I stared in awe at the contents on my bed for twenty minutes in silence and looked at the ring's inscription ten times to make sure I had read it correctly. After that, it took me another 5 minutes for my trembling fingers to dial Jacob's number, only to decide in the end that I would have a better chance of seeing him if I just showed up.

Jacob was the only person who would understand me at this moment and be able to handle my feelings and tell me his truth without hurting me. Everyone else would think I was more insane than ever, Charlie would become even more enraged with Edward, and Rebecca would just say she told me so. I wanted to tell my aunts, but I didn't know where they lived. This was face-to-face news. This was 'look at the ring, do you think what I think?' news. This was only something I could reveal someone in person, lest I lose the ability to form a sentence amidst my awe and confusion. And beyond all reason, I had to tell someone right now.

I had tried to phone Jacob this morning with no luck. Billy said he's still sick, and still isn't getting out of bed often. I decided that was perfect, I would know exactly where to find him. Without a second thought but for the ring burning in my pocket, I climbed into my truck, threw the Ziploc bag with the rest of the contents on my truck seat and headed for La Push. Little did I know how much I would regret my haste.

About halfway there, I remembered my aunts asking if I would call them if I planned to visit, _"We think there is some sort of protection over that land. A force, perhaps." _At this point, their request sounded silly, but I remembered the look on Paul's face. I didn't expect to see Paul, so it wouldn't be a big deal. I didn't plan on staying in La Push, Jacob was sick anyway. I decided to forgo the phonecall.

I got to La Push after lunch. After stepping out of the car, I remembered the words of warning that my dad had offered me the night before,

"_Listen Bells, I know Jacob's been sick, and I can imagine you are getting bored around here on the weekends, but I want to ask you to stay out of the woods."_

_My brow automatically crinkled, and I worked to keep my voice steady, "Not a problem Dad, the woods aren't my cup of tea anyway." I didn't go into the forest. It only served to remind me of Edward – trips to the meadow, imagining his hunting expeditions…breaking up._

_Charlie clears his throat, "I want you to know how serious I am. There have been reports of bear sightings – large bears, bigger than anyone has seen. There have also been bodies of mutilated hikers being found. It hasn't been a pretty sight. I need to know you are going to be careful._

"_No worries dad, I won't be going in the woods. It's supposed to be really cold and wet tomorrow anyhow, not really hiking weather."_

_Charlie mumbled a response, and continued watching the game on TV._

I wasn't sure why this memory came to life as I stepped out of my truck in front of the Black's residence. Perhaps it was the proximity of the tree line to Jacob's house, or the way the shadow of the trees fell across my truck. Something felt…different. I shook it off. Between Bridgette, Liza, and Charlie, I was beginning to become paranoid. I still patted my pocket, checking for my phone.

I knocked on their door. No answer.

Second time. No answer.

The third time, Billy came to the door with a strange, almost aggressive look on his face, "Bella." He stated simply. "I told you this morning that Jacob is still sick."

"I know Billy, I'm not trying to bother him, I just have some news, and I don't know who else to tell and I miss him. I swear I won't be a bother."

Billy's eyes shifted, "Jacob's sleeping. I wouldn't like to wake him."

I stared at Billy, shifting his eyes back and forth, a light bead of sweat, almost imperceptible, forming on his brow. "Billy, Jacob's not sleeping, is he?"

"I think you should go, Bella. Please."

"He's not here, is he…Where is he Billy? Why won't he talk to me?"

Billy nervously looked behind me. "Listen Bella, I promise I'll get him to call you, but right now, you have to go. Please. I'm only thinking of you in this. Please go."

"I'm not going until I see Jacob."

"Jacob doesn't want to see you." I nearly jumped from my skin as a growling voice answered from behind me. I slowly turned around to see Paul standing with a group of 2 boys and another man, all leering at me in disdain. I nervously crumpled the Ziploc bag in my fist.

"Jacob doesn't want to be around leech lovers anymore, get out!" Commanded the man in the middle, beside Paul.

My thoughts froze onto my tongue before I could speak. Leech lover? But, how? How does he know? He shouldn't know that. I have kept their secret. "I don't know who you are, or what you are talking about. I just came to talk to Jacob. I'm not trying to be a bother."

Paul took a step out of the crowd for a moment. "Listen _Swan_," he drew out my name like it was dirty, "This is the last time I'm gonna tell you to stay away from here. Jacob doesn't want you around, Rebecca doesn't want you around. No one wants a bloodsucker's whore on this – "

Oh that was it. "Listen _Paul, _you may not like me, but you don't have to." I took a few steps toward the group, and saw their noses wrinkle in disgust. Have they all got a problem with me? "Jacob and Rebecca are my friends. I came to show Jacob something, and if Rebecca were here I'd tell her too."

"Never say her name!" Paul roared and took another step further. The other man cautioned Paul and tried to place a hand on Paul's shoulder, but he shook it off.

"That's not for you to decide, is it?" I was mad by then. I was so mad I wanted to tear each of those boys a new one just for standing behind Paul and looking so smug. "She's my friend. She doesn't even know what she wants to be with you, so you need to take a step back." The man I saw as scary before was downright frightening as his face reddened and his whole body began to tremble and curl inward. I decided there was no going back now. Besides, we had witnesses. Would they really stand back and let this man attack a small girl like me because I hurt his feelings? I wanted to tell him as much.

"What, am I hurting your feelings Paul? Aren't you afraid that Rebecca won't like you if you're mean to a little person like me?" My voice became taunting. I wanted him to try something. I wanted all his friends to know just what a jack ass he was for harassing me, for berating the Cullens for no reason, for forcing me to defend the people I loved even though they hurt me.

I watched this big, bad man tremble in place because of the words coming out of little old me, and I felt powerful. Finally I had found a formidable target for all the rage that I had kept inside for all these months. Any fear I'd had of him was washed away when he dared to tell me what to do. I'd lost enough friends this year, thank you very much.

"You know what?" I added, dropping my voice down to what I hoped passed as a menacing whisper, "I hope Rebecca talks to me about you. I hope she mentions your name in my presence, and I can finally tell her about the pathetic loser that's chasing her tail."

Paul's voice reached a painful volume, "You will never speak to her! You will never speak my name to her, tick slut!"

The events after this were a blur. I remembered seeing Paul and a few boys behind him tremble. I remembered hearing and seeing his shirt and pants rip a the shoulders and around his thighs. I heard the man beside Paul yell a command to him to stay where he was. At first I was so shocked I could only stand frozen in one spot. But then I could hear popping, like joints and bones cracking and reforming. I saw Paul's spine contort and fur explode from the bare skin along his back. He appeared to grow to three times his height and still all I could to was stand and stare.

Then the boys in the back caught my attention. One of them was yelling at me to run into the house, but still I froze as the others also began to twist and contort, pop and crack just like Paul.

"Bella, run!" Finally a voice came through. I didn't know where to run. I thought of running to the house, but I really wanted to get to my truck and get the hell out of there. Paul continued to grow into a trembling furry mass with fangs the length of my hands, and still I stood in front of him frozen in fright and disbelief.

Finally my feet started working. Paul, now a giant, snarling, drooling wolf, opened his jaws and snapped inches away from my face. He also seemed to be frozen in place as he wasn't moving from his spot. I finally decided to make a dash for my left to my truck, which was an equal distance from me as the house. As I turned I saw Sue Clearwater running in my direction, the look on her face matching the total panic in my churning stomach.

I twisted my body to the left, but before my legs obeyed the command to run, a searing pain ripped through my side and sent me hurling toward the ground. My whole body went numb as I felt flesh tear away from my right side and bones crack. I heard my own voice let out a gurgling scream, and I fell to the ground a few feet from where I had started running.

I twisted my head, but I only saw the backs of other gigantic wolves in front of me. I could hear low grumbles and from between their legs I saw thick streams of drool dropping from their mouths, and thick clouds of steam churning outwards from their mouths and nostrils. Behind them, the Paul wolf still stood in place, his right paw and claws dripping with blood. I reached down to the pain in my side and jerked my hand back when my fingers went through my side and into warm wet mush. I was almost certain that I felt bone.

Sue Clearwater was even closer now, and I was able to get a better look on her face. She was panicked, but she also looked angry at me, even though I was the one attacked by the giant beast. "I'm sorry" I told her as she neared me, but I don't know if she could hear me, because I wasn't sure if I had said the words out loud.

"We need to get you out of here. Come; let's go to the clinic." Sue approached me from above, and I screamed in pain as she attempted to lift me up from the ground. She immediately let go of me, hands fluttering, and I landed with a thud on the, my whole body writhing as I groaned in pain again. Sue then approached me again, gentler this time, but as she did she looked up and backed away.

I heard howling, snarling, jaws snapping like I had never heard in my life. No dog, no bear, no mountain lion on all the nature shows on television – ever – could match the horrific blood curdling sounds that emanated from behind me. I knew it was sick of me, but I had to look. I decided if I was going to die, I would look my killer straight in the eye.

As I turned, I saw that the snapping and snarling was not right behind me as I had thought, but was about 20 yards away. I screamed in a new terror this time, as Bridgette and Liza stood before three giant wolves that lunged at them in one fluid synchronized move. I raked my hands over my face smearing blood over my vision, as I thought my aunts were going either slaughter or get slaughtered before my eyes. I knew the strength, speed and indestructibility of the vampire, but these wolves were huge, and they were not afraid.

Just as their collective lunge was about to connect with Bridgette and Liza, my aunts jumped in unison onto a tree above their reach. The wolves yipped, snarled and howled as the twins sat just out of reach of their massive jaws. When they realized they couldn't reach Bridgette and Liza, the wolves began leaning on the tree and slowly bending it over. The trunk and branches made a terrifyingly loud crackling sound as the tree broke in half and the trunk was torn from the ground by its roots. My aunts each stood up on a branch, balancing each other and looking out into the distance.

Just as I thought the tree would tip, I saw Bridgette and Liza lithely jump to a neighboring tree, and then another, and another. Then a pair of cold hands tucked themselves under my head and behind my knees. A deep gravely voice said to me, "I've got you now, and you're safe.

And I knew no more.

~O~

I awoke in a strange house. I opened my eyes to stare at an unfamiliar swirling pattern on a stucco ceiling. I could smell and hear a fire burning in the room, and I turned my head to see a small fireplace to my right. I was covered in a light blanket, and my head throbbed. There was an IV in my wrist.

I looked to the left and saw that evening had fallen. I felt tingly and strange. I tried to sit up – and quickly stopped as I muffled a groan. Pain seared through my right side and coursed over my stomach and back towards my spine. It all came back to me in that moment.

Paul angry with me. Me taunting Paul. Paul turned into a big wolf. Turning to run. Pain. Bridgette and Liza clinging to trees being felled by wolves. Large cold hands and a deep voice carrying me away. Darkness.

A soft knock on the door brought me back to the present. Liza entered, and regarded me softly. "Hi." She waited until I responded weakly in kind. She was holding a tray with several implements.

"I have some pain medicine that you may benefit from, Bella. But before I gave it to you, I wanted to make sure you weren't allergic to morphine." I told her I wasn't. The throbbing in my side was great enough that I welcomed the injection into the IV, and anticipated the cessation of pain.

Bridgette came in and helped me sip some water. She brushed some hair from my face. She asked me what happened.

I told her about the ring that was in my pants' pocket. She retrieved the pants and handed me the ring. I showed her the inscription. I told her about wanting to see Jacob, about Paul insulting me and the Cullens, about my anger. I told her that I didn't know they could do that wolf thing. I remembered the stories that Jacob told me so long ago on the beach, but I had not thought about them since that day. I asked her if she found my Ziploc bag. She had not.

My things were gone before I looked at them. I cried, and she held me until I slept.

~O~

When I woke it was daytime. I heard voices – two that I knew, and the deep gravelly voice, with a French accent that I had not noticed before. Liza cooked eggs for me. I thanked her. Bridgette had phoned my dad. Charlie trusted Bridgette. She fed him a very solid lie. Liza gave me another needle. I fell asleep.

~O~

When I opened my eyes again it was dark. Liza came in with more medication. My throat was parched with thirst, but that was nothing compared to the hot pain running in waves at my side, around my back, into my lungs.

~O~

When I woke up once more, I was hallucinating. I felt a cold tiny body lying along the length of mine, above the covers. I felt little cool hands stroking my hair. I asked Bridgette how she managed to shrink. The voice that answered wasn't hers, but Alice's little voice. I told Alice that I liked these emails better than the other ones she had sent. This one came with sound. I heard a little musical laugh, and she said, "You're going to be alright Bella, I can see it." I called her a magic 8 ball, and slept.

~O~

I woke up in a dream: _It was dark and I was in the woods. I could hear grunting and snuffling around me. Wolves surrounded me but they could not see me. They were searching for me. The large wolf at the front spoke, "We cannot protect you." A smaller wolf to his left added, "You endangered the tribe." The wolf, the Paul wolf appeared, baring his teeth he hissed at me, "Good luck with the red head, leech lover."_

_A russet wolf appeared on an outcrop of rock and howled as I turned and ran._

~O~

The next time that I awoke, I felt hungry. Bridgette offered me some toast. I asked her how long I had been asleep.

"You've been asleep for about 4 days, Bella. I'm glad you are looking more alert. How's your side?"

I attempted to sit up. I winced at the pain, but it was duller than I remembered. I was able to slowly raise myself up in bed. "What does Charlie think?"

"Charlie believes that you were accepted into a week-long workshop series to handle some of the symptoms you have been experiencing. He was surprised that you would go to Seattle without seeing him first, but I told him that you unexpectantly received a spot, and were not in a position to come home quickly once I received the call. We have covered our tracks well. Liza even sent Charlie a few voicemail messages while he was at work. She mimicked your voice and told him that you missed him and you would see him on Sunday.

"What day is it today?"

"Today is Friday." You're friend said that you have a history of falling and getting hurt. We need to find a story to explain your injuries.

My friend? I shook my head in confusion.

Liza told me my diagnosis: 3 cracked ribs and 4 lacerations from my right shoulder blade to my hipbone. They were stitched and my ribcage was bound. I required a blood transfusion, and I was being given antibiotics. It was all taken care of here at their home, outside Port Angeles. She announced this all as professional and detached as a physician, but then added in a much more personal tone, "I wish we had gotten there sooner."

I placed my hand on her shoulder. "Don't blame yourself. It was my fault, I said things I shouldn't, and I didn't call you."

Liza looked at me, her eyes blazing "This. Was. Not. Your. Fault. Got it? How were you to know that man turned into a wolf? You can't blame yourself."

"I said things that I shouldn't have said. I was very mean."

"Bella, look at me." Liza leaned her head closer. "There are no words on earth, no words so terrible that warrant what has happened to you. I don't care what you said to him. You were attacked."

I crumpled into tears. This time Liza rocked me to sleep, singing in a strange guttural tongue that felt oddly familiar.

~O~

I woke again the next morning. I presumed it was a Saturday. My window was open and a cool breeze flowed through the room, drying the sweat on my brow. The wind carried some voices along with it which seemed distant, but the words were clear.

I froze as I heard the voice of the man who had stood beside Paul.

"We can't guarantee her safety. A few days ago, we would have though differently, as her family have been friends with the tribe for many years, but the risk it too great. Her involvement with the Cullens has brought too many of your kind to the peninsula, and it doesn't seem like she's going to end her involvement with you anytime soon. We're sorry, but we can't condone her relationship with you and protect her from another vampire."

"We're not asking you to protect her. We can do that." Bridgette's voice explained. "Please, just let us stay so we know she'll be safe."

"You broke the treaty!"

"We never signed a treaty. And besides, why is it that we were there? Did we come to fight you? No. We saved her life, from one of your own."

"Young werewolves are volatile. She was told to stay away."

"She wasn't told enough. She was told her friend was sick. Would you stay away for long if you wanted to help a sick friend? She couldn't have even imagined the danger."

"Regardless, these are the conditions we have for _The Cullens_" The man emphasized those words. "The treaty remains in tact. We are not responsible for the safety of Bella Swan, and we will accept no others of your kind to live in this area."

"They are our friends. We are allowed to have friends in the area, providing they do not feed on humans." Alice's voice chirped.

Alice?

"You can call them what you like, but they crossed onto our land." The man's voice snarled, "As far as we're concerned, they have 48 hours to leave the peninsula we before we attack. Final offer."

I heard the distant sounds of joints popping and clothing rip, and a snarl.

I nearly passed out from the force it took to not vomit.

"Bella's awake," said Liza's voice, "Let's go to her. We need to figure out a plan."

Though I had just woke up, I was tired and in pain. I was confused and I wanted to find Jacob. I wanted comfort, security, predictability. I fought to stay awake so that the voices I had heard could come and explain everything to me.

Feeling weak and hollow, my head flopped down on the pillow. I could only sleep.

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><p>EN Liked it? Hated it? I appreciate knowing :)


	10. The only constant is change

_A/N Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. _

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><p><em>March 2006<em>

_~ Carlisle~_

On the top shelf of a book case in her study, she kept a small wooden cigar box. A human probably wouldn't be able to smell the trace of tobacco that still lingered in the exposed grain, but to a vampire, the odor was still detectable when the lid was opened and its contents were shifted. She rarely opened the box; I've known her to look in it just a handful of times in the last 70 years. I only knew when she looked in it because afterward she had that faint aroma from the General Cigar Company briefly stuck to her finger tips. I have never told her I knew that. The box was hers and hers alone.

She took it down yesterday. In over 7 decades, it's the first time she has looked at in my presence. She told me its story.

She remembered her father smoking after supper in their sitting room. Her mother would sit opposite her father and keep up with quiet household chores – knitting a scarf for winter, darning a sock, cross stitching a wedding gift – while my future mate would sit at a small secretary desk to complete her studies or read bible passages. The box, like the things in it, marked the points in time that have sealed her fate and directed her life onto a particular path.

The box spoke of betrayal.

This box was just like the one from which her father offered her ex-husband a cigar when they arranged her marriage to the man who would beat her.

She remembered her father pulling out a cigar when he refused to let her choose a life as a school teacher over the life of a house wife.

She remembered her father smoking when he refused to let her back into his home, when she was pregnant and feared her husband would also beat her child.

The box spoke of loss.

A tiny tarnished silver bracelet. She applied the smallest amount of pressure with her vampire skin, and the band began to gleam in its original warm silvery shade. On the bracelet his name was inscribed: David. David did not have a chance to wear the tiny silver band before he died. She had this in her pocket when she flung her body off a cliff.

The box speaks of change.

One black button. While she was burning in her change, she pulled it from my sleeve as I embraced her through the pain. It landed in the palm of her hand, and although she was thrashing and screaming and oblivious to the world, she cradled the button gently in her hand, even when her skin and strength could have easily crushed it into a fine dust. She told me that she could feel the button in her hand as she changed. She knew the button came from someone on earth, and she thought that so long as she could hold onto it, the button served as a sign that she wasn't yet in hell.

The box spoke of family.

A sliver of ivory from a piano key in our cabin, in Wisconsin. While Esme was a raging newborn, her son would play until her emotions settled.

A brass button. From the torn jacket of her broken daughter, writhing in a new form of hell after her life was ripped apart by others.

A scrap of blue flannel shirt. A burr stuck in it, which housed a tiny fiber of bear fur.

A red ribbon. Placed in the palm of her hand by her raven-haired daughter after her and her blonde mate knocked on our door.

A pink school eraser. A heart carefully drawn in blue ink, with the words, "Edward loves Bella" printed in flowing script.

The box spoke of heartbreak.

A torn section of gift wrap. The blood soaked into the paper at the edges before it dried to a muddy brown shade.

But the box, ever changing, also speaks of determination.

Tonight, Esme brought down the box with intent. I had a feeling that she only ever brought out this box with purpose. She only referred to the objects hidden there when she could see that fate has taken a turn that will change the course of her life, for better or for worse. If the box was symbolic of all the ways in which Esme has been steered from her intended course, then Esme decided that it was not only fate that got to choose which path she took.

Esme slipped a rectangle of cardstock into the box. On the front was a glossy swatch of perfect azure sky, a range of mountains in the background, and clouds mirrored in still waters of the salt plains. On the back, a postage stamp from Bolivia, with a time delivery mark that is 7 days older than the date printed on the back of the postcard. The handwritten date was followed by a short note from Edward: _I'll call when I can. I love you. Don't come looking for me, you'll never find me way out here anyway._

Esme didn't believe that Edward was there. Esme believed that he wanted to be found.

Spending decades working rounds in emergency rooms I have heard and experienced unbelievable stories of mothers whose instincts outshine all professional and expert opinions. Mothers who follow their gut, and know their children won't die even when they've been told they probably will. Mothers with no medical experience who have insisted upon a diagnosis, and have been right. Mothers who sat by their children waiting for them to wake up, just because "they knew" that they will. There is no school that can teach what a mother possesses. There is no study that can quantify and calculate the impact of her love.

Edward is Esme's child.

Esme twirled the cardstock between her thumb and index fingers, looked at me and said, "I know where he is. He's in Rio de Janeiro. That's where we'll find him."

I must have looked surprised when she surmised that Edward was in Rio although he sent us a postcard from Bolivia, with a Bolivian stamp, sent from a Bolivian post office. Esme chuckled, looked at me and handed me the remaining postcard, "Smell this," she commanded.

I smelled the card. "What do you smell?" She enquired.

I crinkled my brow, "Jet engine fuel."

"Yes," she nodded, "what else?"

I sniffed again, taking in a deeper breath. Sea water?"

"Yes. Bolivia is landlocked." My mate turned the card over in my hand, "Look at the stamp."

"It's from Bolivia."

"Look harder."

I studied the stamp, the image, the price noted in the corner, the scalloped edges –

"There's sand lodged in the edges of the stamp." I remarked.

"Yes, there is. You know that sand."

"I do?"

"Yes. We've walked through that sand. Before heading to Isle Esme."

I inspected the stamp, smelled the post card. This postcard was stamped and sent from Bolivia, but Edward would know that if he sent it from where he intended to stay, we might come for him.

"Well, maybe he wrote it in Rio and sent it in Bolivia." I theorized,

"Would he go to Bolivia to get a postcard and a stamp, run to a beach in Rio to write it and then go back to Bolivia to mail it?" Esme countered.

"Maybe?" I didn't know his mind, perhaps I never did. I couldn't relate to his pain at that moment. Perhaps he would have done that.

"He left me a message that he sent me a postcard. Five days before it left the Bolivian post office. Carlisle, with all my being I am certain that Edward wants to be found, whether he knows it or not. It's time to go get our son."

"You are certain of this."

"I am. Carlisle?"

"Yes?"

"Where is this sand from?

"It's definitely from Rio."

"Where would you find this sand, along with the odor of Jet engine fuel?

"Well, I supposed it must be near an airport. There's an airport not far from the marina we leave from when heading to Isle Esme. Not far from there is Praia Flamengo. They are both part of the Parque Brigadeiro de…Eduardo…Gomes." I stopped briefly to wonder if Esme was right, if Edward was really trying to tell us something.

I shook my head. I had no more room in my heart for presumptuous optimism. "Edward made a choice, my love."

"And I'm unmaking it. I should have done this six months ago. Why it took me so long, I don't know. We have to get him. I know my children, Carlisle."

"Maybe we should get Alice to look and see how this will –"

"I KNOW MY CHILDREN CARLISLE."

I stared in shock.

She had never before raised her voice to me like that.

Esme softened her voice and her eyes, "I know my children, Carlisle. They need each other, and right now, Edward needs us to bring him home. I can feel it."

"Do you think we are the right people to go? Edward and I don't always agree on these things."

Esme considered this, wrinkling her brow, and tapping her index finger to her bottom lip, "I think we should all go. We may need Jasper's skills, and Emmett's strength. Alice will know if Edward moves or changes his mind."

"And Rosalie?" I was concerned that her presence and direct manner may just scare him off. Plus, she didn't always like Bella.

"Rosalie has come a long way with this. She hasn't always been crazy about Bella being in our life, but she has come to realize how important she is to Edward. And despite their differences, she loves her brother. She loves him more than she cares to admit sometimes. Although they were never meant to be mated, Edward was very compassionate with her after her change. He is the only person who has seen what happened to Rosalie, through her thoughts. She admired Edward for walking away from Bella to protect her, yes. But she knows now that this was not the right choice. Edward's behavior has proven to her that this was more than just a passing crush or strange fascination with a human."

"Then we should all go." I trusted my wife. And even if I hadn't trusted her in that moment, I realized there was no changing her mind.

"Let's tell the others and pack our bags."

I rose from my chair and turned and reached for my cell phone. I didn't realize it had been turned off. As I flicked it on, it rang immediately. Certainly Alice just saw the decisions we made.

"Alice,"

"Carlisle! I've been trying to get a hold of you for days! Don't you check your voicemail anymore?

"I do, Alice. We've been uh, busy. Listen, Esme and I were just discussing something important."

"I know, and I am sorry, but this is important too. You need to come to Massachusetts."

"Massachusetts? What are you doing there?"

"Bella's been hurt, apparently by werewolves. I'm going there with friends of hers, but I think you could possibly be of assistance."

"Werewo – what?" I wrapped Esme in my embrace as she gasped, "In Massachusetts? I don't understand."

"No, at La Push. Bella was on the reservation. She has some very good friends here that got her out, but not without some significant damage."

I closed my eyes and calmed my voice, "Did you do something to break the treaty, Alice?"

"Uh, no. Bella's friends. They went in and rescued Bella. They're vampires, Carlisle."

My mind and body froze at the thought. I didn't know which idea was worse, that Alice broke the treaty, that Bella was gallivanting around with werewolves, or that some strange vampires had found her. "I'm on my way." At a loss for any advice, I could only respond to her request.

"Why Massachusetts Alice?"

"The wound from her attack isn't healing, Carlisle. Bella's…friends have tried almost every option available, but nothing was working. They have a contact in western Massachusetts that can be of assistance. They haven't really given me details, but I can tell from my visions that this will help. Your skills will be of further assistance, I believe."

I looked to my wife. I couldn't choose between Bella and Edward. "Bella's been hurt. She needs my skills."

The look on Esme's face was torturous. "Edward still needs us. Carlisle, go with Alice, the rest of us are going to Brazil. Alice can still help us from afar." I opened my mouth to protest, but my wife knew me too well, "I'll be fine. I'll be with everyone else. You need to go to Alice. You need to go help Bella."

~O~

_~ Alice ~_

Technically, I didn't lie when I told Bella that she'd be fine. I knew she would be, eventually. I just wasn't sure how far in the future.

I don't think she realized I was real. Realizing that was just a little more than heartbreaking and I was embarrassed to admit that I was angry at Bella at first, for not having faith in my unconditional friendship. That was until I reminded myself that I was not a part of her life for quite a few months. I was certainly her friend in spirit, although it was more obvious now than ever what our physical absence had on her.

I wondered if she trusted me. I wondered if she would ever trust us again. I had no vision whether that would happen, because she hadn't decided. I could only hope and believe that she would. I didn't know if she realized how much we had broken her trust. Maybe when she figured that out, when she discovered how much we had broken her, then she would be able predict whether the bridge we burned was worth rebuilding.

I was with Jasper in our room when I had the vision of Bella being carried by yet another strange vampire, bleeding and torn at the waist. I was fairly certain that he didn't do that to her – it didn't look like a vampire thing – but I wasn't sure if he was going to drink her either. I had no clue, so you can imagine how distressed I became. Poor Jasper was beside himself as I trembled and carried on louder than I had in months. Since being banned from Bella's future, any glimpses I have stolen have been in solitude. After what I have labeled The Christmas Incident which resulted in the replacement of a floor, I hadn't had any accidental ones, either.

When I saw Bella bleeding, I was forced to break my vow of silence to tell Carlisle. If I did look in on her future, and didn't make sure there was someone to help her, I would have never forgiven myself. I also knew that if I kept silent, Carlisle wouldn't have forgiven himself either.

I tried to phone Carlisle, but he was on a hunting trip with Esme in the Northwest Territories. Their cell phones were turned off, so I was forced to leave an urgent message telling him to contact me ASAP. I immediately set off for Forks after that, knowing that I would need to intercept this strange vampire at a certain point. It was funny, you know. The vision started just as the Quileute treaty line. Was this vampire on Reservation land? Why do I not see anything before that point?

I ran through several scenarios to find the best way to approach this strange vampire without causing more damage to Bella. And I hated to admit I was also a danger while Bella was in that state. I couldn't let myself arrive until Bella's wounds had been tended too. All that blood would be too much to handle, even if I held my breath.

Fortunately it was fairly set into stone exactly where he would be taking her. There is a little cottage outside Elwha, near Port Angeles, and I have found a way to approach them so that Bella was not further harmed. By the time I had come to this conclusion, I could see that he had no intention of hurting Bella, but I was clueless to his intention beyond that, or the relationship that he has with her.

Never before was I gladder that Edward was not here. With his temper along with the aforementioned unknowns, this could have been messy. And I was now certain that if I approached this situation in a very specific way, I would be invited into the home as a guest and be able to touch, see, and be near my best friend again.

Two hours after seeing the vision I was on a plane for Seattle. I wished with all my heart that I could have arrived _before_ the accident happened, and I will always wonder if I would have seen it earlier if I had been looking more closely. The best I could do was meet her after this attack happened. I factored in landing, baggage claim, picking up rented car, and I figured I wouldn't have enough time to stop by the Forks house before making my approach at the right time. The flight was excruciating, my vision played over and over, and I couldn't see the beginning. There was a big black gaping hole in my vision of Bella and I didn't know why. I could see her clear as day, driving in her truck. She glanced at her phone, but didn't dial. Then she disappeared. When she reappeared, she was being carried by a strange vampire bleeding here there and everywhere.

Finally, I made it into Sea-Tac and found my rental. A nice little yellow Porsche. When Edward finds out about the lengths I've gone to help Bella, he was so going to owe me one of these for Christmas. It was fabulous.

I arrived at a small laneway and parked my car near the highway. As I walked up the lane, a dark haired female vampire approached me, but didn't seem to be defensive. I was hopeful that Bella had described me well enough to know I was friendly, but I was still not certain that this wasn't a trap. Vampires are usually more cautious, even around our own kind. Fights for territories are common, and more often result in death than compromise. I could tell though that she had decided to welcome me into her home.

Beyond being a vegetarian, this small woman was different from most vampires. She seemed very calm and collected. She had dark hair just like Bella's and a warm smile with just a bit of mischief around the eyes. I knew right away that I would like her.

"I'm Bridgette," she stated simply. "You must be Alice. I remember seeing your face. You were the one who ripped James' head off." And then she calmly motioned for me to follow her toward the house.

What. The. Fuck. ?

"Uh…hi, yes I'm Alice. Pleased to meet you. Were you…expecting me?"

"No…" She tilted her head at me, "Was I supposed to be?"

"Uh, no. I was just wondering if Bella…I didn't tell her I was coming, I wasn't planning on it until…It's hard to explain. How did you know I killed James?"

"My sister and I…we have our ways. It's a long story, but it's also how we know Bella. Please, come in. Bella is upstairs at the moment. My sister is upstairs caring for her."

I walked into the modest cottage. The blue siding on the outside contracted with the dark wood décor of the inside. The house was furnished with furniture that was outdated, but well-taken care of. Bridgette showed me into a small sitting room with a sofa, two armchairs and a fireplace. The mantle was adorned with some candles, a photo of herself and supposedly her sister, and the male vampire of my visions. The walls were painted a blue that was similar to the exterior of the cottage, but appeared muted and duller in the dim light.

"She is your biological sister? You look like twins." I stated, motioning to the photograph on the mantle.

"Yes, we are identical twins. We are very lucky to have each other. Liza, my sister, is upstairs, tending to Bella." Bridgette's face looked mournful and worried, "Alex has gone to get some supplies from the hospital in Port Angeles. Hopefully he'll be back soon."

"Bella will be available in about six minutes, though she'll be asleep." I hadn't intended on saying that out loud. Without thinking, I just gave away awareness of my gift to a strange vampire. Stupid, stupid me.

"Are you talented?" Bridgette asked.

I nodded, but didn't answer verbally. I didn't want to give anything else away.

"Bridgette answered carefully, "We can sense things."

So she was talented too. "Is that how you found Bella?"

"Yes. That's how we knew to find Bella, when she was hurt at La Push. She was supposed to call us, and didn't. We went looking for her." Bridgette's face took on a darker look.

"I…have visions." I was hesitant to reveal too much too soon to a near stranger. "I had a vision of her picking up her phone and then putting it back on her truck seat. But then my vision went black. I usually see Bella quite clearly, but lately I've been getting empty spaces in which she doesn't seem to exist. It's been frustrating."

"My sister and I, Liza, have a similar problem. When Bella goes to La Push, our sense of her is shadowy, and voices are muffled. We knew that the reservation was protected, but now we think we know why. We think it's the ones who can shape shift. Could it be that for you too?"

I sat down on the sofa in their antiquated sitting room, "That makes sense. My father Carlisle has dealt with the werewolves in the past. They exist to protect humans from vampires, so I can see that they would also be able to block some abilities. Our family has a treaty with them: We don't go on our lands, we don't bite humans, and they won't expose us."

"Bella told me you weren't allowed on their land, but she didn't say anything else. We had to go on their land to save Bella. I hope that doesn't complicate things for your family."

"Even if it did, it's worth it. You saved my sister's life."

Bridgette sat down beside me, and took one of my hands in both of hers, "I would like to be honest with you Alice, may I?" Bridgette tilted her head as she looked in my eyes, and I nodded in assent, "I saw what your family did to protect her from James. It was clear to me that you care for her deeply."

I nodded yes emphatically, "We do…she's my best friend. I have missed her every day that I've left her. Our family just isn't the same. And my brother…" I trailed off, as I became too emotional with that part of the story.

"Then why did you all leave her on her own?" Bridgette questioned, "This I don't understand. There are many things I'm not clear on, like Edward's feelings toward her, and can't figure out the family situation."

I was nervous to answer this, because I have been trying to understand it myself over the past few months, but since talking about Bella was painful for everyone, we tended to skirt around our feelings for her. At that moment, I could only offer Bridgette assumptions.

At that moment Alex entered the house with a box. I could smell the plastic, medicinal smell of hospital supplies. I turned slowly in my seat. Alex didn't look unfriendly, but he did seem cautious toward me, as expected.

"Hello, my name is Alice. I'm a friend of Bella's."

Alex tipped his head to me in greeting, "I'm sure Bella will be happy to have another friend here." Alex then turned and headed up the stairs.

To distract Bridgette, I asked what happened at La push.

Bridgette turned her head back to me, "I'd like to do that, and also tell you more about the shadows we see in La Push, since you seem to be affected as well. Liza and I were out hunting on this past Tuesday afternoon when we stopped and leaned against each other's backs, as is our custom. We need to be touching each other for our gift to work, you see." I nodded thoughtfully.

"That's when we saw the shadow figures of the wolves, sniffing and grunting just at the perimeter of our property. This also happened a few weeks back, when we sensed Bella arguing at her friend Jacob's house in La Push. She was arguing with a man that she later identified as Paul." Strange indeed.

"When we first picked up our vision of Bella being abandoned by Edward in the forest and then collapsing in the cold, we realize that the same shadow descended upon the vision as she was discovered and brought home."

I gasped at this, and my chest ached. By the manner in which this woman was referring to Edward as 'abandoning' Bella, I realized that what we thought Edward had done to leave Bella, and what actually happened were not the same thing. When Bridgette eyed me quizzically, I motioned for her to continue. I needed time to think about this.

"So, when we saw a strange shadow wrap around the people with whom Bella argued with on that Saturday afternoon, and then saw it again as we scanned our area, we grew concerned. Bella said that her friend Jacob lived in La Push. I remember hearing Carlisle refer a treaty with that place while you were rescuing Bella in that Ballet studio, so we had good reason to suspect the folks on that reservation know of vampires in some way or another.

For someone who reads people's futures without shame, it felt funny to know we'd been spied on when James was killed and Bella was hurt. I sure was getting a taste of my own medicine.

"The shadows bothered us. As much as Liza and I try to hear and see past this barrier, we only become more mentally strained with no better results. We asked Bella to call if she went to La Push, we also checked up on her more frequently after we saw the wolves. If the shadows could move in wolf form and leave their land, they could go to Bella. I had no doubt in my mind that the angry man, the shadows and the large wolves were all connected.

"Today, we are again sitting back to back, when we saw Bella in shadows. She was knocking on the door of a house, and the man inside who seemed to open the door while sitting, used a pleading urgent voice and asked her to go. His voice was not unkind, but also not very welcoming. Bella refused to leave. Then we heard the angry voice from behind Bella's form. We shifted our eyes to see a group of shadows standing too close for our comfort. We knew time it was then time to do something.

"Alex, our brother happened to be stopping in for a visit, and he turned out to have very good timing. Alex joined us as Liza and I headed towards La Push. We watched closely as Paul moved closer to Bella, his muffled voice becoming louder, more strained, more animalistic.

"We had a good feeling that we would not be welcome there. We were fairly sure that whatever force was upon the reservation was formidable, and would not take our intrusion lightly. Having said that, we also could not sit back and watch like passive spectators as Bella was harmed.

"We decided that the best way to help Bella would involve no bloodshed. I had a good feeling by what Bella told me, that your contract was tenuous at best, and I didn't want to make it more difficult for your family. It's never good to make enemies, and Bella cares for you."

I never felt so ashamed to leave Bella as I did now. As much as it was nice that Bridgette confirmed that Bella cared about us, I can't imagine how Bella felt to have us all leave and never contact her.

"We were just a few miles from the reservation border, when the shadow began to shake and fold and grow into an amorphous creature about twice Bella's height. She froze, hunching over into herself, and my gut clenched to watch the scene helplessly. We had decided to enter La Push and create a diversion, while Alex hung back by a few seconds to snatch up Bella. It was a risk. Bella didn't know Alex, but he is the fastest runner among us.

"As we came upon the scene, I was slightly relieved to see that these wolves are not as large as their European brethren. These wolves seemed more rational though, save the slobbering beast that was facing Bella. Odd that he seemed stuck in his tracks.

As I left the tree line behind the house, the largest wolf in the centre caught my scent, and all the other wolves automatically followed like they were under mind control. In that instant, the angry wolf stuck out a paw and caught Bella's side just as she was about to turn and run. Bella collapsed on the ground, blood quickly soaking through the sweatshirt she was wearing.

"Alex and sped toward Bella while Liza and I jumped in front of the wolves. We didn't want to fight them, although I wouldn't have minded roughing up that Paul wolf had I the chance. So we stayed on the ground long enough to get their attention, and then as they pounced, we took to a tree. At first, they didn't know how to get us down, yelping and scratching at the bark. Then as their combined weight pushed on the tree, they realized they could uproot it and take the tree down. Liza and I balanced up there as long as we could, and at the last minute we leapt to another tree. By that time, Alex and Bella had taken off and the wolves had not noticed, they were so focused on killing us.

Alexander ran home with Bella, while Liza and I swung through the trees. Those wolves are fast, and I think they can communicate silently with one another, but we had an advantage. My sister and I have been living with one another for almost 200 years now, and our ability to synchronize our movements is almost second hand. Plus, we hedged our bets that the wolves didn't understand Punjabi, so we were able to communicate that way as well.

We theorized that these giant wolves wouldn't like to be seen by the townsfolk anymore than we'd like to be caught on the beach on a sunny day, so we headed for town. As soon as we got there, we immediately swung down, and the wolves were forced to hang back in the tree line so they wouldn't be seen. We ran as fast as we could without being conspicuous, and hotwired the first car we found. By the time the wolves had morphed into human form, we were gone. I wasn't sure if they knew where our house was, but I suppose it won't be long until they find us. I am sure they'll be able to pick up Alex and Bella's combined scent from La Push to this house."

I sat for a brief moment, and then took Bridgette's hands in my own. "On behalf of my family, I want to thank you for taking care of Bella. Our leaving was a grave mistake in so many ways, many of which I am beginning to realize I wasn't aware of, nor was the rest of my family. I can't say too much at this moment, as parts of this story are not mine to tell, but we thought that the best way to protect Bella was to let her live a happy, human life without the interference of our world any longer."

Bridgette eyes me carefully, "I can appreciate why you would think that. I am not sure why you left without telling her that, though. Did she not have a right to know?"

"She did, and though I tried to convince my family otherwise, there are key persons that were not able or willing to listen to my rationale."

"Edward, you mean?"

"Yes. When it comes to Bella, his reactions can be, shall we say, irrational. He lives to protect her, even at the cost of his own heart. He is highly influenced by his emotions, and he can make rash decisions. But he does have the best of intentions. He would never want to see her hurt."

"I assume you mean physically hurt." I knew she tried to hide it, but the bitter edge to Bridgette's words was detectable.

"Edward would never intentionally hurt her emotionally either. He doesn't think that she can return his love to the depth that he loves her. He doesn't think he's worth it. He thought that she would move on soon enough and continue her life as normal."

"Alice, I've been working with Bella for about 3 months now. I can't say much, as I value the confidence she has given me, but as a vampire, I will tell you this." Bridgette closed her eyes, and took in a deep breath.

I tried to wait patiently for her to continue, I really did. But I had already seen what she was going to say, and I was so, so excited to hear her say it. I had to help her continue on. "Yes, Bridgette?"

"I think," Bridgette continued tentatively, "based on the symptoms I've seen from Bella, and what she has told me about Edward, that she is meant to be his mate. Does he realize this?"

"I don't think he does. I think if you asked him if she were his mate, he would answer yes and then hate himself for thinking it. It's not that he doesn't want her. He loves her about as much as he hates himself…"

"She may need his presence as much as he needs hers."

"Edward has not been himself since he left Bella. It's been bad for our whole family, but I've never seen him in such pain. It's almost physical. He thinks he is a curse in Bella's life, and that he was selfish to pursue her."

"I think Bella would disagree." Bridgette responded.

"I know she would, and she has. He has a moody temperament to begin with, and when it comes to Bella, he's hopeless."

Bridgette nodded and looked into the distance, and continued with other important matters. "Bella's wound is not healing as it should."

I froze in place at her sudden statement, but I was finally able to shake my head, encouraging her to continue.

"We've tried almost everything." Bridgette stated, fanning her hands out in front of her, "My sister has been to medical school, and although she prefers to work as a midwife or a nurse, she is very knowledgeable at what she does. We've been giving Bella some of the strongest antibiotics available, but the wound won't close. At first it looked infected, but the outer edges of the wound now look necrotic. We believe it is a toxin, possibly from the wolf's saliva. We aren't sure. But we know it's not getting better."

I quickly scanned the future. I saw Bella, laying bed, pale curled inward with a pained expression on her face. I saw Bridgette tending to her wound while Bella gasped in pain. I couldn't find Bella healed.

"You said you have tried _almost_ everything. What haven't you tried?"

"It's a bit hard to explain…"

I suddenly saw her telling me more than she planned, and then I saw a healed Bella sitting on a bed in a strange home, overlooking some low mountains.

"Please, understand that you can trust me. I believe that the more you tell me, the bigger chance that Bella will get better, quicker."

Bridgette stared at me for a moment, looking into my eyes, deliberating. I kept my expression honest and open. I wanted the best for Bella, even if it meant the risk of telling some secrets on both our ends. "I see the future Bridgette, but it changed based on what people decide to do. If you decide to tell me, I can help. Bella will get better quicker."

The vampire in front of me relented at those words, "We have a contact in Massachusetts. A neighbor. She officially a botanist, but her real work is natural healing and herbalism. She is very well trained, and has experience in working with…mythical cases, if you catch my drift. I can give away my secrets, but I can't give away hers. I hope you understand that. I have contacted her with Bella's case, but she is unable to come here. We would need to bring Bella to her."

I looked into the future. I saw Bella being transported via private jet, I saw her settling into a home in the woods…

"Your friends are human?"

"Yes."

"How…how do they…?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to know how they knew.

"That's something you'd have to ask them yourself. Not my secret to tell." Bridgette eyed me directly, showing me her honesty that revealing their identities was out of her hands. "I can promise you though, that if anyone can help with a case like this, it's Miriam."

I then had a flash of a human woman, middle-aged. She had salt and pepper hair pulled back into a bun at the nape of her neck with a set of glasses carelessly perched on her head. She was leaning over Bella's wound, carefully inspecting it and applying a strange substance. She was backed by a stalky young man, and a young willowy woman who looked mythical in her own right. I then got the image of Bella again, sitting in a smaller home, looking healthier and alert.

"I see that this will help her. Who are the folks who are with Miriam?"

Bridgette smirked, "I'm getting a sense of how your talent works. They're family, but that's all I can tell you."

"My father can help. He's a doctor, Carlisle Cullen."

Bridgette tensed at his name, but her facial features quickly relaxed, "If there is anyway he can help at this moment, I am sure Liza would appreciate a colleague."

A question came to my mind, "Why haven't you ever tried to contact us? I would think that as a vegetarian, you would want to find some like-minded vampires, like us."

"That's a good question," Bridgette began, "We have heard of you, but we didn't know where you lived, for one. Also, we were living in an extremely remote part of the planet until approximately five years ago. I've told you a bit about the gift that my sister and I share, and as trustworthy as you sound, I know that no one can keep anything from Aro. Our gift, you can imagine would be highly sought after by the Volturi."

As I began to question what they would offer the Volturi, Bridgette answered me in deciding what she would reveal.

"No, I've heard of Demetri, but have never met him." I answered her unspoken question.

Bridgette chuckled, "Our gift is not like his, but not dissimilar either. Not only that, because my sister and I are very much attached, we are afraid the Volturi could easily separate us and use the other as leverage to lure us into servitude. This is not something we wish to do. Very, very few people know exactly how our gift works. The only reason I chance to tell you this much now, is that I have a gut feeling that you ought to know."

"You aren't going to tell me how your gift works are you?"

"I cannot make the decision to tell you on my own. It's not only my gift or my life I am jeopardizing"

I thought about this. Although my family seemed to disregard my talent when it came to Edward and Bella, I knew that what I do helps them tremendously in daily life. I also know that by exposing myself too much, I could place Edward and Jasper in risky circumstances. "I understand exactly what you mean." I responded.

Alex appeared from upstairs. "I apologize my curt behavior before, Madame Alice, but I had an important delivery to complete for Liza and her patient_."_

Alex was a tall vampire, with long light brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. As tall as Emmett, he didn't have the same bulky build as my jovial brother, but seemed more muscular than both Jasper and Edward. He certainly looked like he could be a heartbreaker, especially with his soft baritone voice and slight Irish accent.

"No trouble," I answered him, "It's pleased to meet you Alex. As I said before, I'm Alice."

"My pleasure, Alice. I am Alexender, but you can call me Alex, as my sisters do. I hear you are a good friend to Bella. My sisters have told me of her. She seems like a sweet, brave girl." Alex's voice took on a bit of an emotional tenor to it, and his eyes softened when he spoke of Bella.

"This is the first time you've met Bella, correct?"

"Indeed, it is. Bella has known of me for a while now, and my sisters told me about her. You can say that she…very much reminds me of someone who was important to me. It's nice to have finally met her. I have been anticipating it for some time." I didn't see Alex being anything more than a friend to Bella in the future, and I certainly hoped that I was right.

Liza called down and broke the tension that I felt building inside of me, "Bridgette, Alice, Bella is sleeping now. You can come and see her if you like."

I felt like a lead weight flipped over in my stomach. It had been so long since I had seen Bella, and I had waited until these awful circumstances occurred. I climbed the stairs and hoped that when she finally awoke, she would forgive me.

At the top of the stairs, I met Liza. I nodded to her quietly, and she motioned for me to enter Bella's room.

Bella was indeed still asleep. I had seen that she would stay asleep, but I couldn't have accounted for the crack of thunder outside her window to momentarily jar her awake. I don't think she really thought I was there, although she knew it was me. I told her she would be OK. I hoped I was right.

~O~

The wolves arrived three days later. At first, they were extremely defensive, demanding that we release Bella, that we had no right to kill or change a human. We quickly assured them that killing Bella was not our intention, and that we had actually saved her from death from one of their own. Sam, the pack leader, said he never intended for Paul to be able to strike, and that he had told Paul not to move in Alpha command. Apparently when Sam uses this command, the pack member in question physically cannot disobey him. I wished I had alpha command.

Unfortunately, things did not go as planned. Sam used a command, but after a few moments, Paul found a way around it. Sam told Paul to "stay right where you are". For all intents and purposes, Paul did just that. He stayed where he was when he lashed out at Bella with his big sharp claws. Bella paid the price.

Guilt was written all over Sam's face. He explained that Paul was a new wolf, and that his emotions were erratic. Sam tried to assuage his own guilt by blaming Bella, saying that she threatened to come between Paul and his imprint Rebecca. After questioning Sam, he admitted that Bella didn't know what an imprint was. She also didn't know that they turned to wolves, or that their emotions could flare so easily.

Sam also harbored anger. He was angry that he had become a wolf. He was angry for all the young boys that were phasing because of the presence of vampires. He said he was tired of all their "choices" being taken from them, and said that the phasing didn't just hurt the boys, but destroyed love and families. He blamed our family, stating that allowing a human to become involved with us caused more vampires to move into the area.

Last but certainly not least, Sam could have knocked me over with a feather when he told us that his pack has been dealing with Victoria. My poor, stupid-in-love, self-loathing brother has been in fucking South America looking for her, and she has been in Washington all this time, circling Bella like a shark. Now I know one of the reasons I haven't been able to see Victoria – she has been interacting with the wolves, testing their patrol, trying to reach Bella all this time. Sam said that Victoria considered Bella to be Edward's mate, and that she wanted retribution for her mate being killed. "Mate for mate," she named it. Sam wanted to protect Bella, but he said that Paul's aggressive nature was influencing others in the pack. He said that they were becoming restless in protecting someone who was attracting vampires to the area. Sam's only solution was to invite Bella to live at La Push, so long as she cut all ties with vampires. We told Sam that we would give her the choice, but that we didn't think she would go for it. We didn't want to tell Sam that we had plans to ask Bella to leave for the east coast, lest the idea got back to her father.

Sam gave us an ultimatum: Bella lives at La Push, or receives no protection from the pack at all.

We countered his offer. I told him that I and some of my family members would stay with her in Forks, and Bridgette, Liza and Alex would move on. Sam said that he would consider this a temporary option, but reminded us that it wouldn't stop the boys in La Push from phasing. This was something he desperately wanted to end.

As alpha wolf and technically the tribal chief, Sam considered the treaty null and void. There were already 8 who had phased into wolves at La Push. We would be outnumbered 2 to 1 if we stayed and risked being attacked.

Sam had painted us into a corner to relieve himself of the guilt. He wanted to blame everyone – anyone – so that he wouldn't have to admit that his bad command caused Bella harm. He wanted to be the authority, even though he wasn't yet prepared to lead his people or his pack.

There was something else he wanted relief from, but I couldn't figure out what. I wished Jasper were here, and not just so he could read the emotions.

Sam gave Bridgette, Liza and Alex two days to leave before the pack attacked. He gave our family one month.

Sam wanted to speak with Bella. We wanted to give her the option before bringing a wolf around her.

We asked Sam for an extension – let Bella wake up, and be well enough so that she isn't on morphine before she makes her choices. It's not fair to ask her these things when she is afraid, in pain and not in her right mind. Sam didn't know that we would be asking Bella to leave for a very different reason.

Sam agreed.

~O~

One week after being attacked, Bella was able to stay awake without the drugs for about an hour before the pain was too much. In this time, we became reacquainted. The first time she saw me, she pointed at me and said, "I wasn't crazy, was I? You were here!" I nodded, and my fragile friend burst into a round of heartbreaking tears. For the rest of the day, I couldn't bear to leave her side. I cradled her against me while she cried, slept, ate, looked off into the distance. Once while she was half-asleep, her face scrunched up in pain, and she said, "Can you sit in the chair? Your body makes me think of Edward." My dead heart split into two.

Her reactions to us were sad. Every time we left the room, her voice became high and panicked, asking us to not go too far. When we went hunting, I could hear her crying from the second floor, and whispering, "Please don't leave me" over and over. I wished Jasper could have been here, but I wasn't sure how comfortable Bella would feel around Jasper or Jasper around Bella what with her heightened emotions.

After the first week, we moved everyone to the home in Forks. I took residence in my old room, and Bridgette, Liza and Alex used Rosalie and Emmett's room to store items and change clothes.

Bella used the guest bedroom.

No one went into Edward's room.

We explained the extenuating circumstances to Bella and we also filled her in that Victoria had been trying to reach her for some time. I swear I will never meet a soul as forgiving as Bella Swan. The first thing she said was, "Those wolves aren't all bad, are they? Paul may have hurt me, but I think there were others trying to protect me. And now I found out they stopped me from becoming Victoria's mid-day snack."

Bella had to make a cover story for her father. Bridgette had previously phoned Bella's dad and told her she had been accepted into a week-long workshop in Seattle that taught meditation strategies that would be helpful for her symptoms. Charlie questioned why Bella wasn't phoning him, but Bridgette had told him that the workshop was very exclusive and Bella had received a spot at the last minute and the workshop right away. Liza got into Bella's account and sent an email to Charlie, explaining everything so that her dad wouldn't worry, and then started sending text messages regularly. It seemed to have worked in the short-term.

Bella agreed to go to Massachusetts, so long as she could go home for a week or two to see Charlie. We came up with a fairly convincing story that Bella had come down with a bad flu from the workshop she had attended in Seattle, and would need to spend her time recuperating in bed. She would then receive a letter in the mail inviting her to participate in a summer pre-college internship with the highly acclaimed botanist Dr. Miriam Courtnage. Bella said that Charlie would be thrilled as it would increase her chances of getting a college scholarship, but he would worry and her parents may insist on visiting. Bridgette and Liza assured her that a visit wouldn't be problem, and that the internship opportunity was indeed officical, as Bella would be able to site her experience with Dr. Courtnage on her college applications.

Bella was also relieved to hear that we received confirmation from Sam that Charlie would be protected from Victoria by the wolves. As a citizen of Forks and as Billy Black's best friend he would be guarded and kept safe.

As Bella was feeling indebted for the lengths we were going to help Bella heal, there was nothing we could do to keep her from apologizing for the events that took place. She was constantly on edge that we would decide she wasn't worth it, that when she got better we would leave. It was difficult to say the least, because I knew that my family was in part responsible for her reaction. I also had times in which I raged in jealousy when Bridgette and Liza's presence seemed to calm her when mind didn't. Though I knew intellectually that they had never left her, and had actually traveled cross country when she needed them, I couldn't help but feel somewhat spurned by Bella's reaction. When I spoke with Carlisle, he understood my feelings, but showed that it just proved how much Bella needs us, and that we should never leave again unless we are asked to go.

Bella also started becoming very good friends with Alex. I still can't place my finger on how he acts around her. It isn't brotherly, nor is it romantic. I have seen human women who are good friends with gay men, and it kind of felt like that. Not that he's necessarily gay, it just seemed that there was some lack of sexual tension, but he was also much more intimate and caring with her than either Emmett or Jasper ever were. I missed Jasper.

Bella asked us to try and contact someone named Jacob at La Push. She said that he wasn't there was she was attacked, and she felt that he would want to talk to her. We tried to contact Jacob through the number given by Bella, but the man on the other end of the line refused to let him speak with us or her. We didn't know if Jacob ever knew that Bella was trying to call him. Each failed attempt to call him made Bella look more and more broken.

We did manage to contact Jacob's sister Rebecca, and this was the one bright spot in Bella's first two weeks at our home. Rebecca had assured Bella that there were no hard feelings that Bella had spoken about her to Paul. Rebecca told her that she knew Paul could shape shift, but she was obliged to keep it a secret. Bella related to this, of course. She also said that it was healing for her to speak to Bella. Rebecca explained the imprinting process and that although Paul had imprinted on her, she did have a choice in the end whether to continue a relationship with him. Bella encouraged her to "follow her heart" and not to let Bella's injury or Paul's nature interfere with the choice she had to make. It was lovely and sad to hear Bella relate to Rebecca, talking to her about what it was like to be with a man who could be dangerous, and still love him in the end. I knew that Bella was thinking about Edward and the emotional pain he inflicted upon her. After that conversation, we took turns holding Bella as she cried through out the night.

Bella's wound was still causing pain and prevented her from moving very far from bed. One week and three days after the attack, Bella went home to spend the week with her father. She was able to pick up some schoolwork, but during the week she spoke with a school counselor over the phone about her internship with Miriam. The counselor assisted Bella in signing up for online courses to finish her senior year, as Miriam's internship began at the end of April.

Bella was still receiving counseling sessions from Bridgette, which she seemed to need, especially after the attack. Bridgette's presence really seemed to calm Bella, and I tried hard not to be jealous of that. I had to keep reminding myself that I am not a therapist, and that I was never meant to be one. One day, Bella was having a particularly difficult time accepting the wound, the attack, and the changes it would mean for her. We all heard their conversation as we stood idly in the living room. Though it felt like a breach of trust, we were all at a lost to help and comfort Bella, and we all felt ourselves grappling for something – anything- that allowed us to help her.

_"I can feel myself slipping back in, Bridgette. I can't control it."_

_"Back to your icy lake?"_

_"Yes. I want it so bad. I want to feel nothing. I should never have gone to La Push, I should have phoned you, I shouldn't have –"_

_"Don't do this to yourself Bella."_

_"What else is there to do?"_

_"We are all here to help you move forward, everyone in this house cares about you, but we can't help you if you go back to that place, we can't reach you there. You know that."_

_"I don't know what else to do. It's too painful up here. Before, I had lost Edward, I lost a family. Now I feel like I've lost my whole life. I can't even get out of bed without pain. I lost Jacob. I can't see my dad."_

_"Just remember Bella, it's only been just over a week. Healing takes time."_

_"I'm not stupid Bridgette; I know I'm not healing."_

_"We're all working on a way to help you get better. That's why we're going to Massachusetts. I know it's difficult to trust right now, but I'm going to ask that of you._

_Silence._

_Bridgette continued, "Have you tried the meditations…going to that place on purpose, and then coming back?"_

_Bella's voice became tiny and hollow, "I'm scared I won't come back. I'm scared that I won't want to. It's too good in there, feeling nothing. It calls to me. The numbness, the dark, the cold. No one there to hurt me."_

_"You can and will come back Bella, that place is yours. Use your icy lake, and know that above the surface you have people who are waiting and are caring for you."_

_"What if I come back up and no one's there? What if everyone decides I'm too much trouble?" Bella's voice cracked on the last question._

_"That's where the trust comes in Bella. I have never left you, and I never will."_

I couldn't listen anymore. I announced that I needed to hunt and then sped off into the night.

I wasn't really hungry. After running for a time, I spotted a doe, but I had no appetite. I decided to call Jasper to get an update on where they were. I had not had any specific visions, so I assumed they were still looking for Edward.

"Alice, darlin'. I miss you."

"I miss you Jasper, more than I can say. I feel like half of me is gone."

"Not gone hon, just scouring the favelas of Rio."

"I wish I could help you more. All I see in Edward's future is blackness. Everything around him is so dark."

"Is he OK?"

"He hasn't been OK for months. But if you are asking if he is alive, then yes. Hungry, but alive. How is Esme? Carlisle said that she's a woman on a mission."

"That she is. She's more optimistic than the rest of us. She says she knows he's here, somewhere."

"Haven't you found a scent trail?"

"We found one off of a marina. We are wondering if he took a boat somewhere."

"Hmm…have you thought of looking underwater? That might explain the darkness that I see."

"We have, and tried. It's very difficult without a scent trail and the chaos of the ocean floor."

"If he's under there, then he's deep, I think. All I see it black."

"We aren't giving up yet Alice. How's Bella?"

"In pain. Sad. Quiet. I wish you were here to tell us what she was feeling."

"Me too. I don't know if she'd want to see me though, maybe all I would sense it fear from her."

"She forgave you Jazz, a long time ago. She told me so."

"I wanted to kill her."

"She knows that. Her words, and I quote were, 'at least he didn't tell me he loved me, and then abandon me'."

"Do you see anything Alice? I mean, if Edward came back, would she…would she reject him, hate him?"

"She will take him back, but it won't be easy. She said she still loves all of us, but it's hard for her to trust right now. She still asks me not to go far when I leave the room. If she knows I'll be gone, I tell her where I'm going and when I'll be back. This seems to make her calmer. That's one of the reasons I'm out here right now. I told everyone I was hunting, but I just had to get away from the house. I could stand to hear her sad."

"You left her there?"

"No. That other vampire, the therapist was with her, talking. Bella was bringing up all sorts of personal things. Things that are really our fault, because we left her."

"Do you think it will work out? Does she even want us a part of her life?"

"I have to believe it will work out, or my sanity is at stake Jasper. And yes, I think she wants us in her life. She's just terrified that we will leave again."

"I love you. I hope I'll see you soon."

"I love you too Jazz. I'll keep you updated.

"Likewise. Bye darling'."

"Goodbye."

I closed my phone and crumpled to the forest floor. I felt exhausted, and I felt like I had no right to be. I should be back at the house, comforting Bella, curling up beside her and telling her bright visions of the future. I should be her friend right now.

"I wish I could be there too, but I can't right now."

My head snapped up, and there was Liza behind me. I must have just spoken my thoughts out loud.

"Liza, do you know you just snuck up on a psychic?"

"I do. I wish it were under better circumstances so I could gloat about it in the future."

"Me too. This is harder than I thought it would be."

"It is. The emotions and her physical state."

I got up and brushed myself off, and repositioned myself on a thick tree branch about 10 feet from the ground. Liza leapt up beside me, our legs swinging off the edge of the branch. "How are her wounds?"

"Her wounds are…confusing. It's nothing that I've ever seen. The best theory that I can come up with is that the toxin in the wolf saliva is not meant to touch humans. It's meant to maim vampires, to cause pain. On Bella, it started to kills the cells around the site of the wound. She also started developing a fever, and I was really worried for a while that it would affect her blood. Luckily it hasn't, but she can't live her whole life with an unsealed wound."

Liza looked off into the distance. She looked…weary, like someone's who has had a long day, and it anticipating a long day tomorrow. It suddenly felt strange that my family's life felt like it was in limbo for so many months, and then all of a sudden walls come crashing down and we are spread across the Americas trying to piece us back together. I wonder if Bridgette, Liza, and Alex felt the same way.

Liza brought my back from my musings, "How's Jasper? He's is your mate, correct?"

I stared at her in shock and Liza confessed, "I have better than average vampire hearing. I wasn't intending to eavesdrop, I'm sorry."

"No, it's OK. I lived with a telepath for almost 60 years; I've given up on privacy." I giggled, "My family is looking for Edward. They have one faint lead at a Marina in Rio. I suggested they look underwater."

Liza looked at me, and tilted her head in thought. She suddenly snapped to attention, "Bridgette and I can find him."

"But how…we don't know where he is, you've never met him, I don't understand."

"We'll need his scent. We have his name, and seeing a photo would help."

This was the best news I'd had in months. Without thinking, jumped up on the branch and began hopping up and down while clapping my hands. Liza chuckled as she braced herself against a tree, "Down girl, let's take this one step at a time. Can you get me his scent?"

"I think I can…in his room. There must be something. It could be faint though."

"Let's go find out."

Before I had a chance to sit down, my eyesight blurred and me vaguely felt Liza's hand on my arm steadying me, as I was gripped by a vision.

_Edward running, green, tropical plants, thick and lush. Edward diving under water. The water is warm blue, salty. The water cools down. Darkness. Clouds. A different kind of rainforest. Sitka trees, Cedars, mountains, white peaks. Bella's little white house, Edward climbs the wall. It's empty, Edward arrives at our house. Sees strange vampires, finds out Bella is there and is hurt. Edward loses control. Destruction, damage. Edward finds out it was a wolf. Edward breaks the treaty…_

"Edward's leaving Rio. He's decided to come back to Forks, back to Bella."

"Are you sure? This is good though, right?" Liza looked shocked, and a bit calculating.

"If he comes back now, he's going to go to her house first, then ours. He'll find she's been hurt by a wolf. He'll break the treaty Liza; it will be bad, so bad for Edward. Bad for all of us. Bad, bad, bad." I couldn't help but shake my head back and forth, willing the vision to be untrue.

Liza sat pensively, "What if we found his location, and then your family tried to cut him off somewhere, before he gets here?"

I ran through that scenario in a couple of different ways, "It will need to be specific. We'll need to find Edward ASAP, and they will have to restrain him until he calms down. If he arrives in Forks and he's not calm, he will be hell-bent on slaughtering the wolves. He won't think Liza, he'll cross the treaty line…there are too many of them for him to fight. He won't wait or listen to us. They will have to find a way to detain him in an isolated area. It doesn't matter where they catch him, there will be major destruction. Better a swath of forest than a city, right?"

"Right." Liza agreed with me, and then began strategizing, "We need to contact your folks in Rio. When do you see this happening, Alice?"

"He's going to leave tomorrow night, about 7pm his local time. Fortunately he's deciding to run/swim rather than taking a flight."

"Where can we cut him off?"

"This is harder to determine. He is going to be avoiding all sizeable populations, so I am just seeing a lot of green before he jumps into the ocean. They have to catch him before he goes in the water though. By the time he surfaces, he'll be in Washington."

Liza nodded, "If you can get me his scent, Bridgette and I can help you find him. Maybe together we can help lead your family to the right place to cut him off. It's probably better that they're there ahead of time to meet him.

"Yes, they'll need to arrive there before him to prepare. He's a very fast runner. I'm on it. I'll get you what you need and call Jasper." I was halfway home before I finished my response.

When I arrived home, I could hear the deep breaths and steady heartbeat of Bella as she slept. I found Bridgette and Alex in the Living room. I raced over to tell them of our plans.

"Hi guys, I was just speaking to Liza in the woods, when I got a vision that Edward is coming back to Forks to find Bella. He can't live without her anymore, and he's giving up to come back to her and beg her forgiveness." Bridgette's smile lit up her face, and Alex chuckled under his breath. I swear I heard him say, 'It's about time'.

"The problem is, if he arrives here and finds Bella hurt by the wolves, we will have war on our hands, and not a good one. Edward will go nuts; he will break the treaty to get to Paul, and could possibly get himself killed. If that doesn't happen, the wolves will attack for sure. We have to stop him. Bridgette, Liza said that you and she would be able to help."

Liza walked in at that moment, "Go find his scent Alice, I'll fill these two in."

"Sure, I think it's also a good idea that we tell Bella when she awakes. She was often kept out of the loop by my brother, as he sought to protect her, but I know that it hurts her to be left out."

"I think you're right. We'll tell her when she wakes up." Bridgette agreed.

I walked up to the third floor and slowly opened the door to Edward's room. It was exactly as he had left it. At his request, we only packed the essential to bring to Ithaca.

Shelves that were once full of neatly organized music lay strewn and broken on the floor. Edward's entertainment system was smashed, and his sofa lay in pieces on the opposite end of the room. The only things that were missing were most of his clothes, and his mementos from his human life. Edward had requested that his human artifacts stay, but always the rational one, Carlisle quietly gathered them up before we left for Alaska.

I swallowed hard and tried not to think of the night that this took place. When Edward came home from dropping Bella off at her home, Jasper and I were hundreds of miles into the forest. We didn't want to upset Edward further. When we returned home, his room was in shambles.

I peaked into his closet, but his scent was faint. I looked in a few of his drawers, and I found some shirts that had a slightly stronger aroma. I pulled out one of those, and a plastic bag fell out.

I recognized what was in the bag immediately, and I would have tipped over laughing were it not the situation we were in right now. When did he do this? Why did I not see this?

I opened the bag and let the contents spill into my hand. As soon as they did though, I dropped them on the floor. Edward! I was thoroughly disgusted.

A royal blue bra and panty set lay at my feet. Bella and I had a taken a trip to Port Angeles in the summer, and I bought it for her. The reason that it was in a plastic bag in Edward's drawer was obvious. I could smell him all over it. I mean _him_. His arousal. You know, spooge, cum, semen, fluids. Edward was a naughty boy with these.

By the stories that Bella has told me, and the state in which I found the lingerie, I was pretty sure Bella wasn't anywhere near this set when the act took place. I wonder if she knew. I carefully dropped the evidence back into the bag. Bella was going to get her bra and panties back.

I picked up the t-shirt, and took one last look around the room. I silently declared that this would be the end of this Edward, the end of our family being split in grief and guilt. For Bella's sake, for everyone's sake, we were getting Edward back, turning a new leaf, and reuniting Bella and Edward so they are together as they should be.

* * *

><p><em>EN I apologize for the long wait for an update. This chapter was difficult to write – it was hard to place the characters where they ought to be so that they followed through with what they need to do. It's also longer than most chapters will be, as it was difficult to find the right place to cut it off. _

_So…Bella's not getting better yet, and has to leave. The wolves are confused and angry and guilty and really just want all the vampires that they aren't allowed to kill to go away. Edward's running back to Forks at exactly the worst time and he's going to have to be stopped. Luckily Bridgette and Liza will be able to track him._

_Next chapter – We'll be in Massachusetts, Bella will meet Miriam and her family, and get her wound healed, and then some, and We will find out how the Cullen family manages to reign in Edward before he destroys every last canine at La Push. Stay tuned._

_Reviews are always welcome, even if you disagree with how I've written it. I enjoy constructive criticism._

_The description of the postcard was taken from the real thing. I'll be posting the link on my profile. I am also posting a photo that inspired Bella's shirt in chapter 8, "Desired"._

_The locations described in Rio are as accurate as I could make them, and I've never been there. I apologize for any inaccuracies._


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